Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

John,

After my wife got my bomb, and then agreed to MC, she told me the next day how scared she was. Of me. That I would "turn" on her, kick her out. That I would be mean...

Both our wives are trying to avoid reality; the more we give them what they want, the more their reality is fubar. They want it on their terms, with no pain.

Be careful...

Right on PH. that's exactly right! My W said the same things - don't "turn" on me. I'm afraid of you.


But what do we do? I'm afraid that by giving them a dose of reality it ruins any chances of repairing the M. I need some vets here that have experience with going "mean" on their spouses and seeing how that worked out.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

After he went to bed she was obviously devastated. She was weeping terribly and well, I held her being Mr. Melty Man of course because I'm not 100% detached just like Coach called it.

. . .

She was deathly afraid of the "mean guy" i was earlier today. She didn't like him one bit. She told me tonight that when I hurt her by acting like that she's never felt anything close to that pain before in her life.

John,

You WANT her in that "crucible!" That "pain" she's describing is CONSEQUENCES, and it's GROWING UP, and it's everything she needs to do right now.

If you're going to CONSCIOUSLY do "melty man" for her, even tho you KNOW it's not the right thing to do, then I'm afraid I can't help you any further.

I do wish you good luck.

Puppy

[john28]

Alright alright alright. I get it!

But I think that maybe I went overboard today. I think maybe I was waaaaay too cold and business like. I need to read a sales book or something to figure out how to get my point across that I will not settle for less than what is fairly mine, in a "loving" way.


I do need some advice though on how to proceed with tomorrow. She is coming over to discuss the plan for custody until we get to a mediator. Couple of things I don't know are good are not - I would like some input:

- Retrouvialle, it is near me in 3 weeks. Since she is on the "i want to work on this but can't live with you" kick, should I suggest that we just work out the next 3 weeks, do NOT go to mediation, go to Ret and then comeback and decide what to do?
- MC, I told her I was interested in still going. She said she would be happy to go. I told her that I would make an appt this week. Should I? I don't see that it could hurt.
- If she brings up mediation, and wanting to go, how should I respond? What's been your experience? Should I delay, or push for it?

[pinhead]

John,

Is your marriage being repaired right now? Are your actions saving it? Is she treating you with more respect than before? Showing you commitment and love?

Our marriages are over. I'm just barely grasping that now. It hurts more than anything I've ever felt. But it's over. And deep down, despite your denials, you know yours is too. Let her go. Let her have her dose of reality. Let her see how life without you will be. Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

Read Gucci's comments to Officer In Need. Read Robx's thread. Just because they leave doesn't mean it's over.

Think of teenage rebellion. Teenagers reach an age where they hate their parents; everything they do is uncool. The teenagers act diametrically to whatever their parents have taught.

Then a cool thing happens as they get older. They learn that old Dad wasn't so dumb after all. He knew a lot of stuff. And being cool wasn't always so much fun, especially when you were too hungover from a frat party to make it into work, and you lost your McJob...

Let her experience life alone; you know and I know that it won't be much fun for her once the "glammer" has worn off. Who knows, she may like it, and she'll be gone. But if you don't cut her loose, just like a teenager who can't escape from Dad's house, she'll learn to hate you more than ever.

[john28]

Alright alright alright. I get it!

But I think that maybe I went overboard today. I think maybe I was waaaaay too cold and business like. I need to read a sales book or something to figure out how to get my point across that I will not settle for less than what is fairly mine, in a "loving" way.

well, duh , I can answer my own question... http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...nt=5&page=1

[TimeHeals]

But I think that maybe I went overboard today. I think maybe I was waaaaay too cold and business like. I need to read a sales book or something to figure out how to get my point across that I will not settle for less than what is fairly mine, in a "loving" way.

I'm thinking Carry Grant in Philadelphia Story.

[john28]

I just remembered something else that broke my heart tonight. W went to the bookstore today and found a book that was made for young kids on "I have two different homes". She asked me to read through it tonight before we tell our S4 tomorrow about him living in seperate homes.

I'm not sure what is going to be hardest - bomb day, moveout day, or tell S4 day that mommy and daddy are going to not be in a M anymore.

So, one other thing. Tonight after I calmed down W since she was sobbing in front of S4, we were all playing a game together. For some reason or another W asked S4 who he was going to marry. He said, "you mommy! I'm going to marry you!" She then said, "Oh I don't think that will work because I already married daddy." I can't remember how it came up but it was actually in context.

[Lotus]

Retrouvialle, it is near me in 3 weeks. Since she is on the "i want to work on this but can't live with you" kick, should I suggest that we just work out the next 3 weeks, do NOT go to mediation, go to Ret and then comeback and decide what to do?
- MC, I told her I was interested in still going. She said she would be happy to go. I told her that I would make an appt this week. Should I? I don't see that it could hurt.

Yes. You and your wife are in a cycle that you cannot break out of. You need outside help. Personally, I prefer Retrouvaille to MC. It is concentrated into one weekend and has a strong effect. MC is only an hour a week. Unless you and she are enjoying what you are doing and how it is hurting your son, get her to agree to go and just get along til then.

[Lotus]

Look, she doesn't understand what love is. She thinks it is a feeling. The feeling came and the feeling went. But it's not that simple. When she tried to leave she felt the ripping of the emotional bond that is marriage. The ripping hurt, and it's hurting your son. She didn't know that would happen. Remember, she thought that all that held you together was this feeling of love that got lost in the day to day difficulties of life. So she wants to go find it again. but no matter how many times you find that feeling, it never lasts. it is a feeling, and it is fleeting.

She is young and has a lot to learn in life. That is something that Retrouvaille does very well. They help you to see that love is a choice, a choice that you make every day. And because you make the choice to love, you do loving actions. Just as she takes care of her son everyday out of love. That is not the swept away love feeling we see in books and movies. But that is the kind of love that lasts.

She is torn. I agree with Pup and Greek that she needs to feel this pain and she needs to realize that divorce means she gets a job and sees her son 1/2 the time. That is true and necessary. But don't forget that your goal is to save the marriage.

If you are going to do that, then you need to get her to agree to go to Retrouvaille in just 3 weeks with an open mind and a willing heart. That's it. Just get her to agree to go and be open to hearing, really hearing what they say.

And for the next 3 weeks you both need to just be nice to each other. You don't know which way this is going to go. There is no need to tell your son anything because you are both confused. Confused people don't need to be telling a child that his life is changing dramatically. Just live together being nice, saying please and thank you, eating meals together and taking out the trash, and playing with your son, and all the little things that make up the days.

There is plenty of time to think about the future after you go to Retrouvaille.

[Piano]

It's not the time to be going to Retrouvaille. Let her go and feel the full impact of her loss. You only get one go at this John!