Relocated the family and he dropped the bomb

[MM78]

Wow, a shocking turn of events to report.

I went outside after the kids were in bed to talk to him and reaffirm my boundary. I was ready to say that if you can't cut off contact you need to pack your bag Monday night and all and he tossed the phone on my lap and said he already did. I can take the phone, he gave me his passwords and said he wouldn't contact her.

To summarize a long discussion - 1.5 hours I think - he realizes the friendship crossed a boundary. But for him, she is the one who got him through each day. She was someone who could relate to what it is like to tell a patient's family they will not make it. He had one especially difficult case with a kid today and she helped him through it and he said then later he had to tell her not to ever contact him again. He said it did go to far though and we both wished that he had found that friendship with another man instead.

I know he's sad about not having her but he did not say he resents me. He doesn't think we will work out though. He doesn't feel much like trying. He said we would be better friends if we were divorced. He doesn't know what is best for the kids - a 'polite marriage' in front of them or a divorce. He knows I am confident it could work and that I am not willing to leave town just yet because to me that would be sealing the deal and I'm not ready to be done yet. I don't feel I can tell my girls I tried all that I could - or that WE tried all we could.

We have left it as we are leaving everything alone for a few days. I intend to not really talk to him until he approaches me. We will be polite in front of the kids and eat dinners and all but at nights we will go to our separate corners. I am going to focus on myself now (I told my friends Mission MILF begins Monday when I join the Y).

I'm still confident from reading stories here that this can be turned around. I'm going to GAL starting now. What else should I do in this situation?

[steady]

Just leave him alone and take care of yourself. He has a withdrawal to go through. You have work to do on you.

I LMAO at Mission MILF.

I think Puppy and Coach can give you better advice regarding the sitch at this point.

[MM78]

Thanks, Steady! Thanks for your advice in the past few days. I appreciate it greatly, I truly do!

[steady]

MM78, if you haven't figured it out yet, this place is more about saving ourselves than our R. By saving us we put ourselves in the best position to be able to rescue our R.

You've been working at busting the A, now it's time to make MM78 into a strong, independent, happy person. That has a double win in it. First, you create a life where you are happy (that's the priority), second, you make yourself more attractive to your S. If you don't save your M you end up putting yourself in a better position to have a healthy R.

Once you're in order you add another person (your current H or someone else down the road) into your life as an addition and not as a center.

[Greek]

I went outside after the kids were in bed to talk to him and reaffirm my boundary. I was ready to say that if you can't cut off contact you need to pack your bag Monday night and all and he tossed the phone on my lap and said he already did. I can take the phone, he gave me his passwords and said he wouldn't contact her.

Moment of strength and clarity for him.

To summarize a long discussion - 1.5 hours I think - he realizes the friendship crossed a boundary. But for him, she is the one who got him through each day. She was someone who could relate to what it is like to tell a patient's family they will not make it. He had one especially difficult case with a kid today and she helped him through it and he said then later he had to tell her not to ever contact him again.

Be the one he can share that kind of day with in the future. Investigate how you lost that slot and regain it going forward.



G.A.L.!!! The Y! Big Girl Drinks with your friends. Book Club. Renew a hobby or start one! Get fabulous FOR YOU!

Communicate this to H: I'm barely here, too. I want a better M, too, and you are not fitting the bill at present time. You might want to research how to attract me going forward." That's what your facials, posture, time, treasure - all of you needs to project.

Greek

[MM78]

Thank you. I believe that he doesn't think it could work (he can't see how it could) but he is also not ready to call it quits yet either. He doesn't want me to rush back and set up a new life in our home town yet.

Knowing OW is out of the picture is very freeing. There is one email account he has that I don't know the password to right now but I can see the nonstop texting has ended. I feel less paralyzed. I want to be the mom that I envision myself to be in my head - much more active with them, engaging them all day instead of sitting like a lump half the time on the sofa. They start 3 morning a week in preschool in Sept so that will give me more time to myself to make appointments.

I have an appt with a pysch on Monday and I'm hoping to get something to help me sleep. Also joining the Y and have set some realistic weight loss goals for myself. If I go move back home as a single FT working mom I won't be able to do this then, only maintain whatever I can do now, so I do feel the pressure of taking on this challenge right now.

He is on call at the hospital this weekend and I did have to contact him since our youngest woke with one eye swollen shut, but I kept the text about her and polite and to the point. I don't intend to contact or pursue anymore. Next up I plan to start to reread the Divorce Remedy book tonight when they are asleep. I read it before but have a different mindset now that our situation has changed.

[steady]

Thank you. I believe that he doesn't think it could work (he can't see how it could)

Don't make the mistake of assuming they can see things from the perspective we can see them from.

To us it seems so obvious, but they are on the other side and have been looking in the other direction. My W ejects anything (ideas, people, etc) that shows even a hint of her maybe not being on target. I could show her how our M could work out but she won't be able to actually see it, or she'll downright reject it because it's not in line with her 'plan'.

I want to be the mom that I envision myself to be in my head - much more active with them, engaging them all day instead of sitting like a lump half the time on the sofa. They start 3 morning a week in preschool in Sept so that will give me more time to myself to make appointments.

Having kids and going through this stuff is quite difficult. It interfered so much with my desire to engage them. The stress and depression can be overwhelming.

I have an appt with a pysch on Monday and I'm hoping to get something to help me sleep.

This is a good opportunity to have the psych give you an assessment. Maybe they can help point out any issues you may need to work on. At least that's what I would do and have done in the past. Just came back from my Psych's office.

Also joining the Y and have set some realistic weight loss goals for myself.

Good for you. Will you keep doing it regardless of any turns in your sitch? If you answer yes, then it is for you.

If I go move back home as a single FT working mom I won't be able to do this then, only maintain whatever I can do now, so I do feel the pressure of taking on this challenge right now.

I had a fortune cookie a month ago - Bend the rod while it is still hot. (Same as strike when the iron is hot)

I don't intend to contact or pursue anymore.

Stick to this no matter what.

Next up I plan to start to reread the Divorce Remedy book tonight when they are asleep. I read it before but have a different mindset now that our situation has changed.

Yes to the DB book. Concurrently, start identifying what role you played in the wasting away of your R and identify things you need to change to make you a healthier individual. Then write them here. DO NOT skip this. I would do it first, before re-reading DB.

[Dagny-2]

I love the Mission MILF -- you go girl.

The setting of goals is wonderful.

Right now he doesn't know what he wants, they can't see through the fog. I'm not sure if this is a DR saying or not, but believe nothing of what they say and only 1/2 of what they do. I really think it is such an accurate description of how they behave during this.

Stay Strong, keep on the mission!

[MM78]

Greek - I'm not sure how he would ever view me as someone to get him through those times. He always says I will never know because I'm not there (and not in the medical field). His specialty is trauma so there are many of those difficult moments in his daily life. He told me OW was the one that got him through like a life raft and I know he also uses alcohol and tobacco at home (great skills he learned from his father). I don't think any of those are effective and I am going out on a limb and guessing but I think he needs to find what it is that can diffuse his stress - working out, golf, going out for a night with a group of friends.... I don't know, that is something he has to figure out for himself, with our without me, given his career choice.

Steady - yes the Y is for me. I have been trying to get my act together on this since I had kids. Pre-kids I lost 35lbs working out at the gym and I never found a way to fit it into the my 'mommy lifestyle' but I am definitely feeling like it's now or never. If I haven't done it so far, the chances of managing if I'm a single parent are slim.

I'm still pondering exactly where I went wrong in this. (NOT that I'm fault-free, just still thinking.) One thing I need to change is not involving so many other people. When I would go to him to talk about the R and he stonewalled me, I would talk to friends or family. That has not helped, only further eroded the sacred bond between us. I need to keep things that are between us, between us.

We lost the connection when he graduated college and I had one semester left there and then I moved back to my home state (1/2 hr away) and he went to med school. We just stopped seeing each other. I had my own apartment and job and kept myself busy making new friends because he was so busy and I only saw him usually a few hours on Saturdays. I'm not kidding myself, I know there must be more, but I'm still working on that...

And for a few questions. I am still cooking for the family, doing all the laundry, ironing his clothes, etc. That doesn't bother me at all. He mentioned doing his own a few weeks ago and I said no, we are still married and that (to me) falls under one of my tasks to do. When his parents detached (they are still married living parallel lives) his dad started doing his own laundry to prove and point and be independent. I told H that I didn't see the point of us following their lead because I'm still the wife and we all still live here. One of his biggest fears is us turning into his parents marriage. My friends are giving me grief that he is cake-eating since I still do everything around here and I need to let him take care of himself so he can 'appreciate me'. Thoughts on this?

One more tough one.... at our last talk when he told me he ended contact with the OW he gave me his yahoo password and I think the FB one too, but not one other one he has (neither of us brought it up). I'm not sure if he is still contacting her there or even set up another account I don't know about - or uses his work email. He has not texted or called though, and when he took a nap today he left the cell phone downstairs - this is a FIRST. I used to tell him he sat on it like a chicken hatching an egg, it even went into the shower. So he is being honest with what he said about not texting/calling. At the last conversation he also asked for space and to not talk about anything other than being cordial in front of the kids. He has said a few times that I 'never listen' to him. So my question is do I 'listen' and give him space or do I ask him about the other email address which will only tick him off? I'm leaning toward not asking. If they don't text all day the friendship will definitely die off and if I ask and make him mad, he can just create a new email account I don't know about. At some point I will have to have trust in him again.

[MM78]

And on page 70 of Divorce Busting there is some info on a study about schizophrenics... it explains a bit about how when the mother 'overparents' the father kind of backs off to the sidelines. I do think that happened in our household. He is/was never here so I ran the whole show and when he walked in he could play with them and leave. He makes plans for himself without any thought of if I have plans or if there will be anyone to watch the kids. One of my 180s this week was going to be to ask him what night he could be home early so I could go out for a little bit on my own. If he asks where I guess I'll tell him to a few stores. This will give me a little bit of time to shop for new clothes without toting 2 toddlers and give them some time with their daddy without me around to either critique him or run over to help out if someone cries.