Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

I've agreed to let her come to the house tonight to let her tuck S4 into bed. This was at my suggestion, not hers. And I've only done that because he was crying and screaming for her earlier. He is so confused... I just want him to be tucked in by his mother this evening.

Yeah, I'm a softie. It's probably not the best idea, but I love him and want him to feel safe. I feel that is what is best for my son right now, so that is what I'm doing.

I made it clear that she needs to leave after he's in bed. She said she would - and appreciated the love and generosity that I'm showing her.

Today, ironically during our meeting she broke down at one point sobbing and said, "I just want to go home and lay in my bed - I'm so sick. I'm so broken I just want to go home, lay in bed and have you love me and hold me and take care of me."

My heart melts everytime I think of that because even though I'm detached, that's what I had been seeking the past two months. That moment there was the first time in years she's ever said, "I need you." As much as it hurt, I didn't break though. I told her that I wasn't going to do that - that she needed to put her big girl panties on and do this. She kept saying "I'm not strong enough to do this, I can't hurt you, I love you and I am not cabable of hurting you."

This afternoon when we spoke on the phone, she reiterrated how sorry she was that it all turned out this way. I agreed and validated her feelings, saying I felt the same way. I then told her that through all of this crap, even though I don't like her, and I don't want to be with her - there is a part of me that wishes this could all be fixed for the sake of our son.... that I pray that somehow this could all work out. She said that she wanted the same exact thing.

She's never said that before. Remember the "want to want to be in this marriage?" question? yeah, well, she's changed her mind suddenly when sh*t hits the fan. She doesn't want to be with me now, but she hopes it would work out somehow, even though it seems impossible.


So, this ain't over yet folks. We'll see what the wind blows in next. My days of DB aren't over. I have hope that I can still bust this sucker.