Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

I haven't been on my own thread in awhile, so let me do some journalling ...

I am worried about my H. I think he is very depressed but won't take medication that the IC recommended. He has not gone back to the IC, and has only gone once, so I don't know how I can convince him to go again, and to take the medication. He tells me the IC told him that 30 minutes in the gym or running everyday is as good as the medication, but he does that sporadically. So, I told him that he should take the medication, then when he feels better, he will be more motivated to go to the gym or run. It seemed that he listened because the logic is sound and he is one who likes logical arguments. He couldn't fault it anyway. I spoke to him last night while driving to the airport (2.5 hours away) ... can't run away from a moving vehicle (hehehehehe). It started with my stating that I want the separation to be official since he may be taking a job that will keep him away for 9 months (with one plane ticket home in that time). I want to be free to pursue what I want and not have to worry about being attached. The SA will, of course, result in a D eventually, I have decided. Nine months is a long time away from one's home, and he could find someone else to love ... we just don't know ... he denies that possibility. I, too, may find someone else ... who knows. [I mentioned an ex-boyfriend who I have come in contact with, and that I felt nothing for him. It took me a long time to get over his breaking off with me, and his reason (which he told me now) was that he was very much under his mother's influence at that time. He now says he was very sorry. I was glad to hear the apology, which was a long time coming .... 30 years. He is divorced now, but he has a gf, and I have no intention of starting anything except a friendship, and it sounds like that is his intention too. He lives in Europe anyway. He cannot be trusted with my heart again. Same with my H. I feel there is no going back. It's a pity my H didn't feel the same thing when he had this EA with his high school flame.]

I'm trying to understand the reason for his depression which has come on in the last few months (according to him). He has been distant and lacked intimacy with me since he broke off with OW, but he denies it, so I think the depression has been there since then, but worsening. He said he had been trying to reconcile, but I didn't see it. I think in his mind he was trying, and I don't read minds. I told him he should've made sure that I was aware, even if he had to shout it out. Not his style I guess, perhaps he wasn't doing enough, and now the love is gone, but I still feel my vows strongly ... in sickness and in health ... can't leave him while he is like this.

It seems he feels that everything is happening all at once ... his mom's altzheimers; his dad fell (but he's okay now); my illness (but, I am fine now, and I rarely leaned on him since he wasn't there to lean on, so I don't see the issue there); he feels he's not good at his job anymore (I think this is just a pity party, and he gets headhunters all the time ... bad workers don't get that) ... he feels desperate to make more money so that he can pay for D17's uni fees, but also to help D23 if she needs to leave bf or to study; this is the daughter he is worried about who has made a bad choice in mate and is now 23 with two little girls (one almost 3, the other just turned 1, and a boy due on Oct. 1); S23 is also a source of worry. He just seems to feel as if his whole world is collapsing and everything is happing at the same time.

I tried to tell him that life should be a joyful thing, that he cannot control the choices others make (not even his children), that all he can do is support them emotionally, but we know how bad he is at doing that (and sometimes financially), that to remember that family and friends are the important things in life, not a job. Jobs are there to get money to support that which is important. He even started saying that he is a failure as a husband, in fact he is a failure with everything ... whereupon I interrupted him that that is just silly ... how can one be a failure at everything ... he does this a lot .... I asked him why does he do this? No real answer.

Which brings me back to IC and medication. He should take it so that he can feel better and see how life can be so wonderful. I told him that I miss the old H, the one who could overcome everything. He says he misses his old self too. He doesn't feel like doing the things he usually like, for example, riding his bike, or working on the house. He's just not the same, and he hasn't been since the EA. I asked him if he still wishes that he had had a life with her, and if he did that it's too bad that it was with me. I was there, and she wasn't. Nothing can be changed in the past, but we can try and look at the happy times, and lean on that. [Of course, if he had lived his life with OW, it could've been worse, one just can't play that game of "if only".] He did say that we had some good times ... gee, thanks. [Most of the bad times was initiated by his selfishness regarding porn, working away from home then thinking he could take over on weekends, withholding info that was important for me to know, etc. but I didn't even go there ... pointless since he doesn't think those things mattered, that it was me withholding s*x and being miserable that was the cause, and I was that because ....... it's an unending circle of whose at fault.] It doesn't matter anymore. The time after the so-called R matters and I did say that his behavior over the last 5/6 years has slowly killed my love for him, until it is gone. However, I still regarded him as family, and that I regarded our friendship and co-parenthood/grandparenthood as precious. I told him I was sad about losing that love, but I had tried to hang on, but it was impossible in the end to maintain with little return. He said he didn't want to S, that it was me that wants it. He said he wasn't interested in finding someone else, and that I had said the same thing, so why bother getting S'ed?! I have to say that that was a good question, but I have come to think that there is no point being tethered to someone who is not into you. Who knows, once we are free, we just might find people who we can love again. Unlikely for me, but who knows. I think he is afraid of that freedom.

There was more, but in the end I told him that I still care about him, but I can't control what he is going through, so please to let me know if he needs my help. He actually said thanks. Oh, for a H who actually talks and tells you of his problems and issues. How easy it would've been! But, again, I am no mind reader, and he is no talker.

Well, there's my update. I'm not sure what my next step should be. I think helping him get over this depression is the major thing. It all depends on what project he'll be on. In the meantime, I am still at uni, summer break almost over and we start again on Sep 7, so I will be pre-occupied with that; D17 going to the same uni; also need to be where my daughters live to help with the other grandkids so that they can concentrate on their babies (my eldest D30 is due Feb 5 and she is in Germany, so I'll take an online poetry course while there). I am so excited about my life despite H's depression. I guess it helps that I am emotionally disconnected from him. It was becoming toxic, until I finally realized I don't love him anymore and that I don't need to allow his misery to affect my life. Still, there is that vow, so I will have to help him as I would any family member.

Sorry this is so long. If you got this far, thanks for reading.