If anyone out there has ideas for doing some stuff that is spontanious and fun let me know. I am trying to do things and invite her along but still go if she doesn't want to go. I got the basic ones like dinner, movies, baseball games, card game with friends, etc. I am looking for something that wuould be unique and "out of character" of what she expects from me.
If anyone out there has ideas for doing some stuff that is spontanious and fun let me know. I am trying to do things and invite her along but still go if she doesn't want to go. I got the basic ones like dinner, movies, baseball games, card game with friends, etc. I am looking for something that wuould be unique and "out of character" of what she expects from me.
This is why (to some), I beat the "cheating" thing to death, Gef.
If she IS still involved with OM, these things above would be PURSUIT, and NOT a good DB idea right now.
If she ISN'T, then these are not only a good idea, but necessary to begin to rebuild intimacy and spontanaeity in the relationship.
I need to vent-this week has been worse then most so far....
On Wednesday (I think) the W told me that she wanted to seperate and that she set up an appointment to look at a condo. I told her to do what she wants to do. I also told her that I want to be her friend no matter what happens to us. I would even help her move out if she needed it. I wonder if that was a good idea.
On Thursday we talked again and she told me that she wasn't so sure that she wanted to move out. She even suggested that we go out to dinner one night.
Today we had another talk (at least we are communicating now --something that hasn't happened in a while) and she told me that she is now leaning towards seperation. She didn't want to go out and get my hopes up. I told her that by going out for dinner we are not going to solve anythnig --it is just a time to hang out and talk. I think it is important because we haven't really talked in a long time. She didn't completely shut the door on dinner yet. We'll see what happens this week.
I asked her today if she wanted to get a divorce and she began to back down. We also talked about her EA and she stated that she has ended that (I kind of believe her because her texting has gone down and there are no more late night calls).
We always had a rule in our relationship that said if one of us cheated then our marraige was over. She has claimed that it is not physical. But there are little things that make me concerned. She has been very cautious around me and now will shut the bathroom door when she is getting dressed. She has been caught looking a hockey picture on her cell phone by our daughter, I caught her in bed looking at a picture, and now she has a trip to another city for one night with "friends". I even gave her an out tonight during our talk by telling her that if it was physical I wouldn't end it based on what I have found out about our marraige. (and that is probably true-I value honesty and she hasn't been so far). I really want to believe her but these little things pop up and I notice them. Not much I can do about it right now. This is a question that I am going to ask my DB coach this week as well as our MC.
So what keeps me in all of this mess and not thowing in the towel and giving up? It is my girls (10 and 12), the thought that this would devestate them, the house, our finances, and our lives together with all of our friends. But I can't do this forever and days like today really want to make me give up and find someone else. I just have a hard time believing that I am going through this right now. I really think she wants to end our marraige but doesn't want to file.
If we do seperate, I will file for divorce. That way she has 6 months to figure things our before we are done and finalized. I get a timeline and hopefully closure on this.
What I really hope is that she come clean with everything and we start to work through counseling together. I asked her tonight why isn't she honest with everything. She stated that she has told me most things about her EA. But notice that she did not say "all".
So what do I do with a spouse who will not end it but will continue to see him or at least keep on the look out for other men? It also doesn't seem like she is trying right now in MC. But she has made time everyday to spend 30 minutes to an hours to talk to me. I don't know but my heart is screaming to leave her but my head is saying think this through and give counseling a chance.
I have been trying to GAL. I signed up for a weight lifting class, completed my first triathlon on Wednesday, been running almost every day, and have strated dance classes (I can't dance unless I drink a bunch of beer) I gotta to get ready in case I am on the dating scene. I really don't want that headache. On the positive side, it was really nice to dance with an attractive woman who I could hold a conversation with while dancing (dance insructor- and not looking for anything). I really miss the conversations between the W and I. Now it is just cold and impersonal.
I know that there are a lot of other people going through similar situations. I read their post and wish them luck.
So what do I do with a spouse who will not end it but will continue to see him or at least keep on the look out for other men?
Well, I will start by telling you what you DON'T do, Gef. You don't tell her "I will be her friend no matter what happens to us," and you don't "g(i)ve her an out tonight during our talk by telling her that if it was physical I wouldn't end it based on what I have found out about our marraige."
This is all SUPPLICATING, and it KILLSATTRACTION.
Secondly, re-read your opening paragraphs of your post. Your wife is doing all the LEADING in your relationship right now. Why are you allowing the ONE person who DOESN'T have the marriage's best interests at heart right now, to set the agenda?? Not only is that extremely damaging to your marriage, but it ALSO kills respect (and therefore, attraction) from your wife. YOU need to be leading right now, Gef, based on what you think is best for you and your girls. And what you're doing ain't it, with all due respect.
Finally:
You are trying to get your wife to self-confess her infidelity. That's fine to try once, or to lay out a boundary of "I will no longer allow you to lie to our family about your affair" once you have proof. But to keep asking the cheater if they're cheating is fruitless. Because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD. Either drop it completely, or get whatever proof you need and then confront her with a "I know all about you and ________" speech, and move on.
You need to set some boundaries, and FAST, Gef. Your wife's behavior -- openly, right in front of your daughters -- is harming them emotionally, and killing your own self-esteem. The fact that you put quotes around it, telling us of her trip to see "friends," tells us that you know EXACTLY what's going on, but yet you refuse to do anything about it.
And your girls are going to suffer. These is THE MOST IMPORTANT YEARS of their lives, developmentally, as to how they will relate to boys and men moving forward. I know you want to keep your family intact, but once you cross over into "I will do anything" territory, you've lost your moral compass and you're harming them more than helping them.
I appreciate your insight in this. I do have a few follow up questions. Both the DB coach and the MC have said that she has one foot out the door and that I need to start hitting her with 180's and being unpredictable--to be the best Gef I can be. So I have done several reversals and she has started talking a lot more. Both counselors have said that if I tell her that she can't see her friends, then she will use that to leave-which may be the best option now. They have both said that she is making tests for me and if I want this to work, I have to pass these tests. I do have an idea for her texting though. I plan to tell her that if we do stuff as a family, then she needs to put the phone away. If she can't then we will not do stuff as a family-is that what you mean?
Also I am not sure how to lead in this because she is the one thinking of leaving. I feel that these statements and ideas are just tests for me to pass. So what actions do I take to switch gears and lead. One of her complaints (probably true to a point) was that I always lead and she didn't have a say. Usually she wouldn't express her opinion. So I have purposely been taking a back seat to let her "lead".
What would be a good boundary for her texting when it is just her and I together? Both MC and the DB coach said that I need to get her talking. Usually she doesn't want to talk but she does. If I put a boundary on her about texting in front of me, I think she will pull away and move out faster without giving us a chance to fix things.
I am not sure how to handle the condo idea other than to let her take a look and crunch the numbers before she realizes that she can't afford it.
But I don't think we can and/or would be friends. I certainly will not help her out with stuff if we seperate. \
Please give me two or three examples of where YOU believe you were controlling, perhaps chauvinistic, domineering, etc., in your marital relationship, pre-affair.
Did you wife complain about this over the years, or is this just a recent complaint?
My sub-boundaries (underneath the MAIN two of "I will not live in an open marriage," and "Stop the deceit -- I will no longer allow you to lie to our adult children and to your parents about the nature of your relationship with OM, and make ME out to be the crazy one") were simple:
- no texting OM in front of me or the kids - no phoning OM in front of me or the kids, or from inside our marital home - if you're going to stay out past 1am, don't bother coming home - if the boys (then 11 and 14) were to be left unattended for more than a couple of hours, or for a period of time that included their normal meal time, she was to call me and let me know so that I or her parents could make arrangements to watch them.
These were not things that I waited around for my wife to do, nor did I look for her to self-confess what she was doing. My stance was more of a "Look, we BOTH know what you're doing right now, and these are my boundaries."
I got invited to go up North with some friends for some R&R on the same weekend that she is going to another city. I told them I would go. She is now all upset and-if you can believe this-she is now unable to find a baby sitter for the kids. I told her that it was not problem I could make it for another weekend--but I am gonig to go. I really need the weekend away to do some running and biking. I may even go out to a bar but I really just want some alone time to challenge me physically and test my endurance-- and to think. She then went on to say that she doesn't get a weekend off (not true) and that is why she is thinking of seperating. Unfortunately for her, I work weekends and she would have the kids unless I take a vacation day. I will if we are still together but if we seperate then she is on her own. This is something that I am going to save for MC.
On a side note, my oldest daughter was looking at the W cell phone photos and the W flipped out. I guess the OM is on her phone. It just digusts me.
In regards to your question, this is a new complaint. However, she has always refered the decision up to me as to where we eat and what movie we see. There have been times when she wanted to see a chick flick and I wasn't happy about that. So that is an example of me be controlling. I can see her point but sometimes she needs to put her foot down and say that this is what I want to see.
I really am looking for some boundries and how to enforce them. I don't think I am going to give up the weekend but she really wants me too. She is still attached to the OM and yet she is jealous of me taking a weekend away. Does that make sense????
Not only is that extremely damaging to your marriage, but it ALSO kills respect (and therefore, attraction) from your wife. YOU need to be leading right now, Gef, based on what you think is best for you and your girls. And what you're doing ain't it, with all due respect.