Sunday evening - quiet weekend. Rested quite a bit. No verbals with H since July 31st. H drove 1.5 hours to spend 40 minutes with middle D. She said the conversation was very generic. Asked her when she was moving. Offered to take off work through the week to help her but she told him she had to work herself and couldn't take off. Continued detachment from all of us. His July "roomie" (single guy) contacted me the other day - said that he had talked to H every day in July but hadn't heard from him since he moved to extended stay hotel. Friend said he called him - H told him he was crazy with work but good. Friend said "IB - I am worried about him. I am floored by what he is doing." I said "thanks for saying that - we are devastated - but trying to be respectful."
Not really sure where I am in this journey. Always trying to stay together for S and Ds. Feeling empty and alone quite often. Sometimes getting a little crazy in thoughts - thinking of any disagreements we may have had over the years and trying to analyze it to see if he really has never wanted me.
Changed my reading choices - now on Stephen Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families. Trying to establish my new vision - for me and the kids. All I really want is to be in H's arms. But you already know that.
Back to work tomorrow. Hopefully can be lighter in spirit. Have a great week!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I used to wear a nice big thick rubber bnd on my wrist and when I would get caught in the mode of analyzing things from the past, I would snap it (and I do mean {i}{b}hard{/i}{/b}).
Looking at these things for patterns to my own behavior was one thing (and actually helpful), but I know you know exactly what I mean about getting "caught up" in that mode.
Since my D's are getting older now, I have alot more "free" time on my hands. I've taken to meeting up with groups of people that have the same interets I do. It gets me out and keeps me busy (ok, I am really more than busy enough, but I find the social interaction has been critical for me). Perhaps you could find something similar where you are.
Well folks - another day of work. Discovered that H is acting strange at work ~ didn't know what to say when presented with information. Just held head high and said "we are devastated but trying to respect him" - It's my pat answer.
Had nice dinner with S and D. Know that I am blessed with great kids. Know that future has great potential for me and the kids. I'm just sad for H / embarrassed somewhat for him / just wishing for the good times again.
I am slowly accomplishing things around the house though - trying to cut back on expenses - still need to get a handle on exercise and diet - but it's coming.
Thanks for listening!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
WTG IB! That's all we can do is take it one day at a time and enjoy the time we have with our kids. Unfortunately, it's something our H will never be able to get back.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
I have been reading along and you are doing well sweetie.
Catholic guilt...I know it well. It was my friend for a long part of my life. It still lingers there, under the surface, waiting for a chance to rear it's ugly head...but I do my very best not to let it most days.
There is no need for the guilt to linger. Once you ask for forgivness from Him and it is granted, there is no need for the guilt to stay. It is the Church's way of maintaining control over it's followers. Not God's way...
Let it go Irish. Fight it at every turn. As you can remove it as a prevalant part of your belief system, you will find that forgiving yourself becomes much much easier.
We allow ourselves to forgive others, it is part of what we are taught. But we hold onto that guilt and never truly forgive ourselves. Reteach yourself Irish.
I wish I could tell you how, but I can't. It is up to you to evaluate what you have been taught from the Church and decide what you believe and what you can say is some human's rehetoric to keep the religion going.
Religion and faith are two very different things in my mind. What do they mean to you?
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Saw IC today. Wish I wasn't struggling so much right now! I haven't been able to stop thinking about H. Trying to figure out what went wrong. All this does is make me crazy - then I feel horrible about myself - which then makes me validate all of his negative statements about me!!! This is vicious! I have to develop some better strategies or tools to get control over these thoughts! It's exhausting and distracting and I can't afford either one of those states in my life right now.
Today's struggle...coming to terms with the difference between denial and hopefulness. Am I in denial if I want to have any sense of hopefulness - even the smallest sense?
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I believe you and I started this journey through Hell at about the same time, and we seem to have a lot of the same ups and downs. The difference between denial and hopefulness. That's a toughie. Am I standing for my M or am I a complete fool? In public, I project a confident, reliable, funny person standing for her marriage. At home, alone, there is nothing to keep my mind occupied, and I am a fool in my own mind. I wake up at 2 in the morning, thinking how I am a fool. But, everyday, we put on our sneakers and our faces and go out to face the world on its terms.
I re read imLin's thread today @ lunchtime. Talk about perserverance. If she can do it, then I can do it. And YOU can do it. Can't make it go away for either of us, but promise to be here for you through it, and we'll get through it together.
