tired of this

[A_goodman]

Ok, I guess I had a supply of fears left after all. You guys are the BEST. I'm glad it was you dear friends that helped me find them. I aM
very unsure of myself and of what I should be doing minute to minute.

So far, just today we've had a 45 minute running argument, followed by the quiet contemplation of Mass. Then friendly chatter afterwards with friends and a mad dash yo the mall to outfit S12 for some cotillion program she signed him
up in. We got him home and dressed and we shared a wonderful moment of wonder at how our little man is growing up. This all following her staying out past 2:00 am last night. (it was a previously scheduled 40th birthday party for one of her friends)

all along the crazy roller coaster ride, I've felt totally out of place. I'm spending twice as much mental energy as I did at the beginning. Now I'm trying to figure her out as well as trying to juggle db and co
passion and not knowing what to do or say.

The troubling thing for me was that as much as I need Him now, I could not seem to pray today at church. I haven't lost faith. I know he will hear and answer my prayers. I just couldn't focus on what to pray for. I knew what it ought to be, but couldn't concentrate on it or ask for it. I'm not a good man at all, maybe the crisis is with my faith in myself. I was desperate for peace and knew all I had yo do was reach out gor it but couldn't.

I found myself incriminating myself for some really terrible thoughts that have run through my head these two days. Immense guilt, but I haven't been able to set up barriers to them. I can conciously stop them, but can't keep them from creeping in.

I need yo pick the rope back up and show her love and compassion, but I've been so sure dropping it was right that I am almost afraid of it.

This is almost incomprehensible babble, but it's what is driving my madness right now.

I love you people. Thank you for helping and caring about me. I know you will be there because you were there at the lowest point I'd ever known before. And now that the bottom fell out. I truly appreciate seeing you reaching out a hand to me.

Thank you for your prayers too. Maybe they will protect me until I find mine again.

Oh, pup I always dreamed of earning the "four whistles", who'da thunk it would be for something crazy like this.

Thanks again. I'll stay posted.