Mr. Toad's Wild Ride

[mrbt]

I am starting a new thread because I feel like it is time take a fresh look at my situation. My original thread is titled Too Late For Us. When I started posting on this forum, I truly thought it was too late. My first post was in February, months after my wife had filed for divorce.

I will try to summarize the situation in just one paragraph.

I discovered my wife's emotional affair in June of 2009 (started in May). My wife filed for divorce in November and I moved out in December. In April of 2010 my wife scheduled and cancelled the divorce hearing twice. In May I moved back home and we agreed to "see how it goes" ( in retrospect this meant wife will not make an effort ). Three weeks after moving home, I caught my wife with the OM ( found her car parked at a truck stop - OM is a truck driver ). I suspected the affair had become physical but was never able to find evidence (W claims this was the first and only time).

It has been almost three months since the affair was revealed. Wife claims she is no longer in contact with OM. However, she remains ambivalent towards our marriage. She cycles between feeling unsure and wanting a divorce. Occasionally, she will show positive signs but she has never come out and said "I want to make this work."

As of this morning, she is talking about divorce once again. In the past, this topic was emotionally charged. Now, I do a much better job of containing emotions and not arguing about what she feels or doesn't feel. I don't attempt to talk her out of her decision.

Today's conversation went something like this ( in screen play format ) . . .

H joins W in bed for morning coffee, an occasional morning ritual for this troubled couple. In spite of the soft morning light filling the room, H feels negative energy radiating from W. They sit quietly sipping coffee. Large cat lays on its back waiting for a belly rub. W lets out a heavy sigh and H responds . . .

H: What's on your mind? You seem down.
W: I don't want to talk about this before work.
H: Okay.
* momentary silence as each sips coffee *
H: Coffee came out good today.
W: Really?
H: Yes. I think I used too many scoops yesterday.
W: I just followed the directions on the package.
* more silence and coffee sipping *
W: * Heavy Sigh *
H: So, you're divorcing me again?
W: Yes.
H: Why are you divorcing me?
W: There is nothing there. I don't feel anything.
H: Hmmm? Wow! I wish there was something I could do or say but they're your feelings. I can't change what you feel.
W: How could I be so comfortable around you and not have feelings for you?
H: I don't know. I don't understand it.
W: My counselor can't tell me why I don't feel either.
H: Are you still in contact with OM?
W: No.
H: If you were, it might affect your feelings towards me.
* more coffee sipping *
H: So, you're going to do this [ divorce ] after we return?
[ H & W plan to travel to their home town and stay a week to visit family and attend a wedding ]
W: Yes. You don't have to go but I'd like you to be there.
H: Maybe I should stay home. I can pack your things and put them in the garage. You can stay in [ insert home town name ] and come back for your stuff when you're ready.
W: I can't stay. I have to give notice at work.
H: Okay. Well, whatever you want to do.
W: Are you hungry?
H: No, but if you make something I'd eat it.
* H & W eating egg sandwiches at the kitchen table *
H: Is there anything else on your mind? Maybe you'd feel better if you got everything out?
W: I really wish you'd go with me to [ insert home town name ]
H: I hate that this is happening to us.
W: Its been a year of this and its not getting any better.
H: How could it get better when you were communicating with OM?
W: Do you think I haven't given this enough time?
H: Maybe.
* silent pause *
H: I don't know how often you talked to OM . . .
W: Not that much.
H: Maybe once a month?
W: No. Not that often.
H: Every time you talk to him, its like starting at zero for us.

* H & W move to living room. H finds old dry cat turd between the cushions and starts removing all the cushions in search similar cat turds *

* Some small off topic small talk as W gets ready to leave for work *

W: Well, this [ divorce ] is just something I am thinking about. I have not made a decision yet.

W: I wish you'd come with me to [ insert home town name here ].

* brief hug in the door way as W departs from work husbands vacuums crumbs from underneath the couch cushions *

So, where do I go from here?