Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[Piano]

Hi John, I've been lurking but followed your whole sitch. Sandi and Steve have given you excellent advice.
Consider calling off the meeting tomorrow until your head is straight. You don't want to make things worse. Don't do anything out of revenge. Stick to your values. Calm down. You will see your son and you will get a better outcome if you chill.
Your wife is suffering too; it's her son too. I'm not defending her for all the crap that's happened, but she's only 24 and has a heck of a lot of growing up to do.
Don't allow another scene like that to happen in front of your son.. I know how shocking it is...similar thing happened to me, several times over...not good.
You are a good bloke, you will get through this.

[Greek]

So during our phone conversation she says, "Are you recording this?" I laughed, no I said. She said, "I would never record you without telling you, I promise you that so much." I just said, "Ok."

Oh this crap just gets better. She IM'd me as I was checking my email... this is just ridiculous.

W: hi
me: hello.
W: can I tell you one more thing
me: I guess so.
W: nevermoind
me: no, go ahead.
I'm listening electronically.
W:
me: what is it that you wanted to tell me.
W: I'm really sorry for the way all this turned out
I wish I had been stronger
me: how so
W: a better wife
I regret the way I've treated you
I hope one day we will forgive eachother for all the crap we did to eachother
me: W...
W: what
me: I don't know.
W: what
me: No, I really don't know.
I'm just so beyond this right now.
W: k
get some rest
me: I will
W: night
me: we will talk about this tomorrow.
there is still a lot to talk about
but right now, I'm just so tired of this. I'm done.
W: k
night

John,
There is only one thing you need to talk about with her - how is your son? After that, stay out of crazy town.

Greek

[Puppy Dog Tails]

John,

You need to go back and re-read your 1:11am post. THAT is where you need to get back to, and NOT in the crap exchanging moral-equivalency, oh-please-make-me-feel-better-about-my-infidelity TMs with your wayward wife.

It's not your job to rescue her from her own conscience. "Never rescue an adulteress from the consequences of her infidelity."

It IS, however, your job to use every resource at your disposal, financially, legally, emotionally and spiritually, to protect yourself and your son, and to fight for your family.

Let your wife twist in the wind. Focus on your son, and your legal plan right now.

Puppy

[Steve McQueen]

Here is the real kicker, something I haven't told this community yet.....

yep. kinda was expecting that. actually I was waiting to hear that.

good luck man

honestly, John, you are concerned and making boundaries over the mundane and namby-pamby over those that matter.

[Greek]

Thanks Steve - I'll schedule the locksmith after our meeting tomorrow.

Channel your 'Inner Steve McQueen', John b/c the stakes are high. Your W - immature, unstable - has left with your son. Do you know where he is right now?

So, we're meeting tomorrow at her request at 4:00pm to discuss in her words, "a plan for us to both be with S4 for the next few weeks until we can go to mediation and design a coparenting plan." She plans to come here to the house at 4:00pm, but I'm going to suggest that we do this on neutral ground and not at our home. Because I don't want a scene and I want to take EMOTION out of the equation on this meeting. If we're in a public place we can't let emotion get in the way (i mean, we can, but it would be bad).

Maybe having the meeting at home is a good idea. You can easily plant a recording device. You've got an unstable chick on your hands and she has your son. I'd think recording any and all of what she says will be important with the custody issues that are right around the corner.

She thinks that 70/30 (in her favor) is fair. She's thrown that figure out dozens of times. So I'll be walking into that meeting tomorrow. She reasons that she's been the primary caregiver for his entire life (as a SAHM) and that she should continue this. What she doens't recognize is that I've been the breadwinner for all these years so she COULD do that.

What the girl-child does not consider is that SAHM is probably not a reality going forward. She will have to work to support her unmarried self. Big Girl Panties.

My plan is this -
I have about 100 hours of vacation built up. I will tell her that I've been thinking about it, and I want to use a week's worth of vacation in the next few weeks before we get in front of a mediator. I'd like to take S4 fishing, to the beach, maybe to one of the caves or museums, etc... and that I want this because this may be the last time that I'm able to see him like that for a long time, and it is important to me and him that we bond before all of this goes down. Likewise, I think she should have a week with him too.

I will not say the words 50/50. That will set in her mind my precedence of only allowing 50/50 custody. I will not say those words! That reveals my plan.

I don't understand the meaning of this plan. Explain it another way.

She's gone.

You'd be lucky if she were, John. She is NOT gone. I predict you have more crazy-town coming your way and if you don't play it smarter than you have, your little boy will pay the price.

I will not play dirty unless forced to.

It's not about DIRTY. It's about playing SMART.

I will not threaten L or anything. I will stick to my guns as "I do not like where this is going. I need time to think about this really hard."

I will not agree to anything less than even time. I am standing up for myself. It is MY RIGHT to see my S4 as equally as she is.

Don't be silly. Get a lawyer. Don't deal with her - let your L deal with her. If she thought it was scary taking off with your son in a packed car, just wait until the L's office calls her. She'll be unglued. She thinks she can walk all over you b/c she has done it before. Now she has your son - and again I ask - do you even know where he is?


Stop letting her run the damned show. FOR YOUR SON'S SAKE!
Greek

[john28]

Met with her this morning. I was calm and stern, confident. She was a freaking mess. I've never seen her so broken. She was out of control sobbing/emotional, mood swinging, all of it the whole time.


Basically, she gave her "I want him 70% of the time". I told her that I wanted to have him half the time until mediation, she just flat out said no. I told her this conversation was over and she just went all crazy bawling crying everything. Just like I thought she would.

She broke down so hard she just wanted to go to the house and talk about it there. I made it clear that was NOT going to happen - she left that home, it is no longer her home. I would get anything she needed out of there and bring it to her. She was so so sad... but I held my ground. Told her there were only two conditions she would set foot in our home:

1. She goes to IC, and MC. She commits to working on this marriage and works on it for us. Yeah, we're both screwed up, we both need help, but if she wants to be in that home she needs to respect my boundaries.
2. She drops all talk of mediation because that does not work towards reconcile and fixing this.

She obviously took that as manipulation and controlling, but it wasn't. I was setting boundaries there.

At one point she just gave the "I'll do anything! I'll be with you forever! I won't divorce you! I love you!!!" and I just said, that's not what I want. That's a fear, not a commitment.

So we walked away today with a plan for tonight and tomorrow night. I'm takng S4 tonight, dropping him off at 9am tomorrow, then we will meet after work on Monday to talk some more.

She'll be alone tonight without S4. I fully expect that she's going to break down again.

She needs to hit rock bottom and realize the consequences of her actions.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

At one point she just gave the "I'll do anything! I'll be with you forever! I won't divorce you! I love you!!!"

Well, dear, you might want to start with not basically KIDNAPPING our son in the middle of the night. Probably not a good way to try to reconcile.

Good lord. This girl needs some BIG-GIRL PANTIES, and fast.

Puppy

[john28]

She keeps saying that she is so angry at the way I'm treating her. That I'm being mean and cold.

Look, W, I'm being detached. I have no emotion for you right now. I know what I want. You think you know what you want. They don't match up. I'm not angry because of that, I'm just not going to be all loving.

She just kept saying "We could do this in a loving way, why do you have to be so mean about this" when i stood my ground on not letting her come back home and saying I wanted split time.

She doesn't see that there is NO loving way to do this. I'm detached, woman. Get it? I have no love for you when it comes to my son. I want what I rightfully deserve.

She just thinks I'm being manipulative again and controlling and mean, or whatever. She said, "I want to come home more than anything but you will only let me come home on your condidtions and terms and you're still being manipulative and controlling, after the way you've treated me today there is NO way I could come back to that person. I'm so afraid of you and this person you are right now. I love you so so so much but I just can't go back to that."

I told her that she wasn't coming back to that. If she made a committment it would be different, but if she was not going to do that then I was going to remain detached. And honestly, I'd probably remain lovingly detached if she came back for a while.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

She just thinks I'm being manipulative again and controlling and mean, or whatever. She said, "I want to come home more than anything but after the way you've treated me today there is NO way I could come back to that person. I'm so afraid of you and this person you are right now. I love you so so so much but I just can't go back to that."

Umm . . . who asked her to??


Puppy

[john28]

She just thinks I'm being manipulative again and controlling and mean, or whatever. She said, "I want to come home more than anything but after the way you've treated me today there is NO way I could come back to that person. I'm so afraid of you and this person you are right now. I love you so so so much but I just can't go back to that."

Umm . . . who asked her to??


Puppy

I told her that she could come back home but only if she met my boundaries:

1. MC and IC for her. She commits to working on this M wholeheartedy.
2. No more talk of mediation or D. That is not working towards reconcile.