Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Dagny-2]

Thank you all for the support and words of wisdom.

The boys' godfather drove 12 hours yesterday to come be with us, to have people in our lives who will do that for us is truly amazing. We went to a local music on the lawn event and I even danced! H doesn't like to dance, or we never did, but I did and I liked it. Probably too many jiggly parts, but going to work on that.

Yes, I must stop the nag/beg/comment/snide comments. They are all unattractive and pointless. He isn't listening anyway, so why do I waste my time?

He spend the night at OWs. That just sucks. I know it is a useless tune, but it is so UNFAIR! Why, when I've been faithful, worked to get us to this point where I could move anywhere in the country his job takes us, he decides to bail, he said the separation was just too hard for him! Oh, please. (this is all rhetorical, I know it is unfair and life is cruel, just getting it off my chest instead of nagging to him).

So Goals.

No contact, stop making up stupid excuses to email him in the middle of the night so his blackberry will beep and disturb him and OW. Just stop. No phone, no text, no email, unless absolutely necessary. Not fake necessary.

Be pleasant. When he comes over to see the kids, be upbeat and strong. No snide comments, save snide comments for girlfriends when boys are nowhere around.

When weak and mushy, come and post here. No begging! He knows how I feel, he knows where I am, enough said.

Find a support group here, need to meet someone in this new town.

Make goals for GAL. Steal MM78's Mission MILF goal. Love that one.

Thank you everyone for the support and words to help me get through this, and not just get through, but hopefully someday thrive.

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dagny,

That's a really good list of goals. I admire your strength, and how quickly you found it.

Oh, and another thing: I've decided I don't like your husband very much.

Puppy

[pinhead]

Dagny,

Stay focused on things YOU like. Support your sons. Let your H rot with the OW. Statistically, it's a doomed relationship, so he'll get his comeuppance.

Be the best Dagny you can be. And whenever it gets too much to bear, come to the forums. Someone is always around it seems.

[Dagny-2]

Dagny,



Oh, and another thing: I've decided I don't like your husband very much.

Puppy

He isn't on my top ten list, either.



I took my hike this morning (mission MILF) and had no contact with him. I didn't call to remind him to sign up S11 for soccer, took it for faith that he would follow through (and he did). Made some subtle changes around the house and went and bought new sheets, sheets that an adulter has never slept on. And I'm going to put my really pretty quilt on the bed, even though he thinks I shouldn't because our black dog will get hair on it. Ha!

So H came over to spend the afternoon with the boys. Friends were still here. Very, very awkward. But he noticed the changes, said I see you made some changes, and I said I need to make it mine. He said he understood (gosh, I'm so glad, I was just looking for his approval). He was upset that I didn't use our bed last night, not sure why, wait till he sees all the new stuff I got. Not too much, I know money is going to be tight, but just enough. I got new toothpaste, too! He worked on a school project with S13 and I tried to stay away, but not so obviously. He had grumpy face on for a bit, but I tried not to ask him too many questions about how he was doing. I asked him some house questions while he was here. I just don't know how to answer his questions about how my night was. I had a work project last night, so just chatted about that and then told him a bit about our outing. He then asked later how I was doing. Does he want me to be breaking down? What does he want? I just said as well as can be expected. I thought that was vague and non-confrontational, but still weird. I don't want to escalate this to a hostile environment, but I do want to say, bugger-off, you lost the right to know.

Friend 1 left and then the kids wanted to go to the creek with their godfather (instead of sit around house with H) and that left H and I. We ended up talking schedules, simply logistics about the kids and about when he can come and get furniture. He is going to take the boys' couch that they have in their playroom for video games, that will make him popular. But, just so he is comfortable. I even helped him pack up some kitchen stuff, at one point he got annoyed that I was offering so much stuff--he didn't want to take too much at once! He thanked me for being reasonable when he left! He said something to the effect even though you don't have to be reasonable. I just smiled. He said I can imagine what you are thinking. I said nothing.

So I'll continue with the no initiating contact, though he said he wanted to come over to see the godfather tomorrow and I said he could come to dinner if he liked. Not sure if I should be that nice.

[MM78]

Sounds like you are doing great taking care of yourself! I love that you went for a hike and redid your bed too! I hope your boys are doing ok too.

As for the 'Mission', I got some new perfume a while ago and every morning when I put it on it reminds me to take care of myself that day (and all day when I smell it).

[pinhead]

Dagny, don't know if you're into country music, but there's a really funny song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=atBg9zLI2bA

[Dagny-2]

The second night always seems to be the worst. Both boys fell asleep in my "new bed", so I slept in their room. But I still had the satisfaction of seeing my new sheets. Didn't sleep much, just thought about the situation and how did I get here?

H called with a child detail, I was on my hike and not home, won't return the call, he is coming over tonight, so we can talk then, no need to talk to him any sooner. And at the moment I am so angry at him, that I'm sure I'll say something nasty. Need to get in the "set him free" grove for tonight. Might take dog for a walk while he is here, it is very uncomfortable, and since I want to scratch his eyes out, that might come across.

Need to set some "Mission" goals. Went on a hike, but need to step it up some.

Had a consult with a L, that felt like just another blow to me, to be filling in the details of our life, in black and white, like it is solely a bunch of statistics. Didn't get too much info, guess that is what you get for free. L didn't seem scrappy enough for me, but did learn it would be a contested D if I would ever do it because I want alimony. Not planning to file, but don't want to be caught off guard if H does.

Dagny

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Dag,

I'm no legal expert (although I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once), but this:

L didn't seem scrappy enough for me

... just doesn't seem to mesh well with this:

did learn it would be a contested D if I would ever do it because I want alimony.

So, "hmmm." Maybe interview another attorney? Remember, no one ever went to their death bed, saying ANY of these three things:

1. "I wish I would have spent more time at the office."

2. "I wish I would have taken LESS RISK in my life."

3. "I wish I hadn't taken such an aggressive stance in my divorce action."



How long is your husband going to be over? Maybe instead of taking the dog for a walk (which will only look like you're "hiding" from him), you should be dressed to the 9s, looking and smelling fantastic, and saying "You gonna be here for a little while? I have something I have to do, but I shouldn't be long -- no later than 9. Thanks, you're a dear!" and then ... poof! You're gone.

Puppy

[mishka422]

Maybe instead of taking the dog for a walk (which will only look like you're "hiding" from him), you should be dressed to the 9s, looking and smelling fantastic, and saying "You gonna be here for a little while? I have something I have to do, but I shouldn't be long -- no later than 9. Thanks, you're a dear!" and then ... poof! You're gone.

OMG! Love it puppy!!! Perfect!

That screams out, "My life is my own, you won't destroy me - that would give you power over me - and I will be JUST FINE!"

Frankly, I did that once soon after the bomb and it seriously threw my xh for a loop for a few weeks. Had him thinking hard at least and actually gave me a boost and a push.

[Dagny-2]

I'll need to save the dress to the nines technique for a latter day, didn't do so well last night. The reality of sitting in a L office, hit me hard. I was a pile of mush last night. H came over, but the kids had made plans for their godfather to take them to the creek and didn't stick around long. H grabbed some more clothes and stuff and I, like the dork that I am, just sat and cried. I couldn't help it. At least I didn't ask him questions, just sat like a dope and cried. Duh, don't I know better?

Then later S11 was upset when he got home and H wasn't here, he tried to call H, but H wouldn't answer. S11 was still upset at bedtime and called H, H was all perky and really didn't allow S11 to feel sad, so they hung up and S11 cried himself to sleep. It just breaks my heart.

S13 and I later talked about the stages of feelings we will be going through, he came up with a new one, the jumbled phase, where there are so many feelings at the same time that contradict each other, but you still feel them. He said he is mad at dad and he isn't mad at dad. I like the term, sure feel jumbled.

On the L front, I may be heart-broken and still in pain, but I have 2 more L appointments this week, I picked three from a google search that have free consultations so I can scout out who I like. I will also do the same in Philly when I'm back in September, I will have the option to file in PA or TN, so I'll see which meets my needs better. Guess I'm not all mush.

Dagny