Baby born, separated, WH moving overseas for OW

[MM78]

I agree with the others, to the best of your ability, focus on yourself. I never wrote out things to the OW but I had plenty of conversations with her in my head and told my friends. She is on FB listed as one of my 'friends' actually and every time I saw her little chat bubble light up green today I wanted to contact her but instead I wrote to a friend on FB and told her instead.

Sending more hugs, stay strong!

[Piano]

Thanks everyone for the wise words and support.

I am doing well. Not interested in contacting H, or writing to OW anymore.

It's unbelievably easy to detach with H out of the country.

But I am a little nervous about when he emails, eventually.

Been reading up on lots of sitchs, and taking everyone's advice to not talk about or explain any of my plans or feelings to WH anymore. Going to show my 'moving on' by short, vague replies, should he write eventually.

I do not want to waste so much time anymore thinking about H, or the outcome of our sitch.

I think my new positivity came from attending my best friend's wedding yesterday, and having a good time, and seeing that there are a lot of kind people out there, many struggling for whatever reason, and that life goes on...

I am going to try not to beat myself up anymore. I've lived through something horrible, I reacted horribly to it because I was not a strong person. I am going to become the best person I can be, starting now.

Bought some new books, including "Put Your Big Girl Panties On...and deal with it" by Roz Van Meter.

It's not well written, but the message is there... grow up, be happy, be confident, act on my values.

[Seeing Red]

It's unbelievably easy to detach with H out of the country.

You've done everything you can - now the rest is up to him.

I do not want to waste so much time anymore thinking about H, or the outcome of our sitch.

I know it hurts, hurts, hurts - but with him out of the picture and you not worrying about him wanting to drop by and see the baby, it will make it easier to move on.

I think my new positivity came from attending my best friend's wedding yesterday, and having a good time, and seeing that there are a lot of kind people out there, many struggling for whatever reason, and that life goes on...

There ARE a lot of terrific people out there! I remember being preoccupied with my marriage troubles one day when I was out running errands, and I had several men in a row flirt with me for whatever reason. After about the 3rd guy, it occurred to me that EVERY ONE of them treated me better than WH. That snapped me back to reality. No one can make me feel bad unless I allow them to.

Another time, I was picking up the kids at school. As I stood there in the parking lot looking around, it occurred to me that if the stats are correct and 50% of marriages are impacted by affairs, then half the people standing there with me have, are, or will be going through what I'm dealing with. And you can't tell by looking at them. Shocking!

I am going to try not to beat myself up anymore. I've lived through something horrible, I reacted horribly to it because I was not a strong person. I am going to become the best person I can be, starting now.

It's called being blindsided, Piano, as in "never saw it coming." It's one thing when they tell you they're unhappy, they start pulling away, you fight a lot, etc., but when you think everything's going fine and the first you hear it isn't is when they pack their bags and leave - well, it's like a sudden death. No way to prepare, nothing to do but react.

A man and a wife I knew met at a restaurant after work. As they were driving home, the wife in her car leading, the man in his car following, the wife started through an intersection when a drunk driver in a pickup truck slammed into her, killing her instantly. Her husband watched it unfold before his very eyes. Not only did he have to be treated for shock, he couldn't even get out of bed for the next six months. Three years later at a family wedding, when his SISTER asked him to dance, he reluctantly agreed after saying, "I guess W wouldn't mind."

We all react differently to having our worlds turned upside down. You've been dealt a cruel blow and you've done better than most would have, including me. It's easy to beat yourself up and say you could have done better, but honestly, you did the best you could with the information and experience you had at the time.

You've already hit the bottom. The only way to go from here is up.

[gatsby11]

I love your post, P.

I've been there before, too. Being out somewhere (for you it was the wedding, for me it was a trip to Washington) and realizing that everything's going to be okay if I just keep getting out and exploring life.

And then hearing of friends marriages where there's resentment, miscommunication, etc etc but I'm here with a little one doin' my thang and not having those woes!

I understand being nervous about his emails, too. For me at least, it was that I created my own world that WH couldn't harm. (This is me in NC, that is.) But whenever I encountered him-- either directly or through other people-- my peace could be shaken.

It might be a good idea to leave the email be until you're ready to check it. Don't check it when you're feeling low. Instead, when you're about to go out and do something new right after. Then you've got a quick distraction to take you back to peace-land.

Anyways, you're on the right track. I'm really glad that detachment has come easier now. Just wait-- in 3.5 more weeks it will be even better!

[newmama]

Piano, how are you? I just got back from a beach trip.
Well, detachment will not be 100%. You will have an easier time (I predict) with him out of the country but the hard part will be when you do receive communication from him. Do not feel like you are failing when you suddenly miss him after reading an email or something. It is totally natural.

I don't know how to help you divorce your H in your head. For me, I truly needed to see the physical D papers in front of me to "get it."

And I still have setbacks like tonight when stbxh wanted to connect with me about the house and talk about him moving his stuff and I just didn't feel like talking to him. BUt I couldn't be strong enough to look him in the eye the whole time. And I couldn't stop loving the SOB! So I just am honestly telling you that detaching is just soooo damn difficult. It helps to have no contact and a full schedule with your daughter, friends, and family.

[gatsby11]

These WHs just really REALLY really suck.

[Piano]

Yeah G, don't they!
Newmama, I totally relate. I don't think you can turn off the "love" switch, just cos they did. But we need to ask why we still love/idolise guys that did this to us !!!

Okay, update.

I was expecting an email, not snail mail, but snail mail is what I got.

Not addressed to me, but our daughter. It's a kind of love letter to her... really weird. No mention of Reality, just how much he loves her with a lot of emphaisis on 'my baby', 'my daughter', 'my darling'...how his heart is heavy because he is crossng seas and continents and how he will miss her terribly but there is joy in his tears because he is her father and she is in this world.

Holy F.

He says this is the first of more letters to come.

Sorry, but I am not going to read this crud for the next 18 years (or until she can read).

I did rate a mention as a "wonderful mum who will love and care for her" and how he knows she is the source of MY greatest joy.

Okay, too weird basket for me.

He needs to journal this, or talk to a psychiatrist!

[Piano]

We all react differently to having our worlds turned upside down. You've been dealt a cruel blow and you've done better than most would have, including me. It's easy to beat yourself up and say you could have done better, but honestly, you did the best you could with the information and experience you had at the time.

Thanks Red. I reckon many of you would have done better, but hey, I am me, warts and all.
That story about the accident is just so heartbreaking. So heartbreaking...

[Piano]

This is what Roz Van Meter has to say about putting protective boundaries in place in her book 'Put Your Big Girl Panties On':

+ YOU are the only person entitled to let people in - to your house, your heart, your head, your bed
+ YOU are the one who can protect the Little Nice Girl inside you from intrusive or unhealthy demands, requests, phone calls, Inernet, TV, visitors
+ YOU are the woman who can learn to say "No thanks" without feeling guilty.
+ YOU can protect yourself from undue stress, which shortens your life and adds frown lines.
+ YOU can decline an order to leap tall buildings in a single bound, even if you think you could.
+ YOU can listen to the little voice inside you that says, "This doesn't fit for me. This hurts".

I now know that I can say NO to WH. I can say that's TOO MUCH for me. I will PROTECT myself from situations which hurt me or stress me.

Therefore:
+ I cannot make up for WH's shortfallings as a father nor his extreme choice to live overseas. I cannot close the gap between the Northern and Southern Hemisphere's and make up for/cover up his absence as a father. That would be trying to leap the Empire State building in a single bound.
+ I will listen to my GUT INSTINCT upon receiving the letter for our baby. NO - this material is UNWELCOME in my home. It hurts me and my healing and I think it's UNHEALTHY for our child. My WH needs a psychiatrist to sort out his childhood issues. He won't sort them out on my or our baby's ground.

I don't need to be rude about it. But 8 months after the Bomb and with little hope of reconcilliation, I am going to start taking care of myself.

[MM78]

......I am going to start taking care of myself.

I love this part!