I understand what you're saying. I'm going through it with my H too. This will probably get worse before it gets better. It seems to be the pattern of the MLCer. Yours has the added PTSD to deal with.
I know coming to the realization that this is going to take a long time to resolve, if ever, is a hard thing to face. One of the things I think about is at my age is it worth hanging on to hope that we can rebuild a new marriage after this. H is sharing his life with someone else and I'm alone. Is it all worth it.
Right now I'm taking time to process what happened and working to become a better me. All things happen for a reason and I intend to make the best of it.
It's still early in your sitch. Make sure you're strapped in tight. The ride gets bumpier before it smooths out.
