I think you said it perfectly. Punkin - do you think your H already knows? Why do you want to say it now - given the crappy interactions you have had over the last week? I think Gritt is right - you are standing for your marriage. It is who you are and what you believe - you do not want a divorce. Does your H know it? Does he need to be reminded? Only you can answer that.
Thinking about you! Keep the faith!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Then I blow it again and say "OK - here's the truth. You are still legally married to me. You will need to take the necessary steps to end it. I will not. I do not believe in divorce. So I will continue to be respectful. I will continue to treat you with common courtesy. I will continue to serve all of our family in that manner. That's who I am and I will not become someone else because you have chosen something or someone else."
And
I like it.
If I knew how to make those smiley face whistle f@cking things
I would.
I'll be here long enough to get that evenually...
Pun
This is a milestone on the road...
Keep steppin (SHOUT OUT BROOKLYN!)
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Punkin...you know best...but, I agree with a few others about the question at the end...asking him to come home is pressuring, assuming, and a whole host of other things that he might feel...
I don't know...but maybe something along the lines of, "I don't want a divorce...I don't feel that all is lost...but I do respect that you feel differently...but should you change your mind...I may be open to that discussion..."
You have time to think about it...not only to find the right time...but to be sure your ready for his response (if there is one)...like I said, I ran right up to 3 days before the D would have been final...and then I had to scramble to get a hearing before a judge to dismiss it...you have time...time is your friend...really think about what you want, what you hope to accomplish, and then be prepared for anything!
Pun, first of all we have all these rules for DBing that I strongly believe in but you know your spouse and their is no absolute rules that apply to each situation. Take a chance, if it doesn't work at least you now know.
There are so many ways to let you MLCer know the door is open. Let me give you my example: My W and I have been together for 32 years, married for 25. Whenever we have had a crisis in our marriage, I have always been the one to take the iniative to resolve the crisis. This time, she must show me that she will do what it takes to save our marriage. During this, I want to keep the door open without saying so. My belief that like we, the LBS, are told to believe nothing they say, their friends are telling them, belive nothing he says cause he will say anything to get you back. I also believe true love is actions not words. With all that said, I thought that the things that I could do that would speak for me was: #1 continue to wear my wedding band. When we first separated, I took it off because i was hurt and wanted to hurt her back. We ran into each other and I noticed her very casually look at my finger and she reacted negatively to my ring missing even though she doesn't wear hers. I've have not went without it anymore. A couple of weeks ago, she came by our home to get some "stuff" out of the house. Now I don't believe that's why she came by, I felt it was a touch and go event. Anyway, when she walked in the house, the first thing she noticed was our wedding picture over the fireplace. She stared at the picture for at least a minute. Didn't say anything, just stared at it. As she moved through the house, she saw that pictures of us throughout our 32 years together were displayed. Again she didn't say anything, but I could see the impact, very small but a positive impact non the less.
So Pun, give it a shot. Be creative in how you tell or show him. It's so easy for us to take the negative approach to this crisis we are in, but we don't have to. Look hard for the positives, it will change you and force him to change, not right away, but he can't help but be attracted to a Pun that is full of light, showing him the way home.
This is a little hard to explain . . .My husband has always said I was stronger than he was. In fact, he once said I was so strong it was scary. Probably comes from losing my Mom at a young age. He seems upset in some way that I've "gotten" on with my life, and that I'm preventing him from "getting on" with his. I haven't "gotten on " with anything. I'm in Limboland. I just make it look easier.
We've never ever discussed if we could work it out. He has always worked off of that " not that I want your ass back" that I sent the day his OW outed him. He has less and less to do with our kids and grands. Infrequent calls. It upsets me to think that he feels this way. Crazy as it sounds, I hurt for him.
I understand what you are saying. Of course you hurt for him - you LOVE him - he is your HUSBAND!! You took vows - better or worse/sickness or health -you believed those words and you still do. Of course you are STRONG. Only the strongest are presented these challenges.
If you want to have an R talk with him ~ only YOU know if it is the right time. I think what everyone here feels (and I may be wrong on this) is that if you do you have to do it with NO EXPECTATION that RIGHT NOW it will change the situation or suddenly bring him back. It may HURT YOU more than it helps you at this point. However if you understand that - then move forward with the words you want to say to him.
You are a strong, kind, and beautiful person. NOTHING he ever does can change that. You are blessed with kids and grands and YOU haven't missed a moment. Think of 10 years down the road when you can look in the mirror and say that you didn't lose a minute of those blessings.
Thinking of you!
IB
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
I understand what you're saying. I'm going through it with my H too. This will probably get worse before it gets better. It seems to be the pattern of the MLCer. Yours has the added PTSD to deal with.
I know coming to the realization that this is going to take a long time to resolve, if ever, is a hard thing to face. One of the things I think about is at my age is it worth hanging on to hope that we can rebuild a new marriage after this. H is sharing his life with someone else and I'm alone. Is it all worth it.
Right now I'm taking time to process what happened and working to become a better me. All things happen for a reason and I intend to make the best of it.
It's still early in your sitch. Make sure you're strapped in tight. The ride gets bumpier before it smooths out.
I believe that most of our H's know we would consider taking them back. They are terrified, terrified they will not meet our expectations, terrified we have not changed, terrified of being a failure and then being alone.
I have said things like, remember our wonderful family vacations, don't you miss being a family unit? Remember that funny thing that happened in our bible study.... These things did not cause pressure to my H. He seemed to respond positively with these statements.
Any mention of "love", wanting them back, etc... caused my H to regress.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
