On two ends of the world..

[ris]

I'm having a difficult day today. For the past 10 days or so H and I have been talking much more than usual, on more personal topics and more indepth. I have been trying to GAL and using validation in conversations, and I've made an effort to open up about things I would normally just keep to myself. I really feel us connecting. He started mentioning "when you come here" throughout the conversations. It's been getting better and better.

Today - I don't know. Maybe we're hitting the curve. Maybe I'm just having a bad day.

Last night H asked about my day and I told him what I did - it wasn't much, just a relaxing day and he said it sounded great. And that when we live together, just to have dinner, watch a movie together, fall asleep - that sounds like a great day to him. Everything inside me screamed a question of why can't we just live together then?? I didn't get into that topic though because I just couldn't find anything non-desperate to say.

Similarly today, he had a good day at work, for the first time in a long time. But then he said he came home and just wasn't completely happy. I said that I'd like to make him laugh and just do something silly and relaxing and he said that it would be nice.. then we got on a different topic. I just feel teased (though I din't think he's doing it on purpose). If he feels that way, why are we still on different continents?

Maybe I'm just out of patience today. I know it hasn't been that long but it's like we've been doing so well but it's not getting us anywhere. I don't know whether to try to push through it with a happy face or just back off for a while? Me not being open was one of our problems and I've been working on 180 there so I don't want to stop the good work I've been doing there. But I can't really be completely open and tell him what bothers me because that would be the worst kind of pursuing. I'm just running in circles, can someone give me an objective look at the situation?

[ris]

Out of frustration I didn't send my H a goodnight email last night. This morning I woke up to 3 emails from him, one asking about the missing email and two regarding paperwork that needs to be sorted out for me to move there. All 3 pleasantly surprised me.

I replied to the paperwork email but didn't bring it up aside from that. Out talk today wasn't the happiest, it was mostly about his frustration with his work and life. I validated, validated and validated but the mood wasn't getting any better - I wonder if that's what should be happening. Before I used to be really upbeat and optimistic and just tried to cheer him up which rather made him feel invalidated, but now that I concentrate on validation I wonder if I'm not leaning too far the other way, not being cheery at all.

Anyone?

[FindingMyVoice]

Out talk today wasn't the happiest, it was mostly about his frustration with his work and life. I validated, validated and validated but the mood wasn't getting any better - I wonder if that's what should be happening.

Hi ris, I can appreciate your confusion. I've experienced those wobbles too, as our M moves from mostly 'fluff-talk' (love that from your post BTW!) to a more healthier mix of meaningful and casual convos.
It's tough, when you're not as used to serious discussions, to know if you're on the right track or not.

The good thing I see in your description of the convo though, is that if you were validating that much, that also means he was talking that much! That's a good thing. People who don't feel listened to, usually just stop talking.

So again, I can appreciate how uncomfortable it can be to come away from a less-than-positive-feeling convo, but remember that even those types of communications have their place in a healthy R. Sometimes we have to have those ones, to get to the ones that feel more positive.

Also, of course I don't know the specifics of his frustrations with work etc, but remember that the deeper the frustration, the longer it takes to talk, work, and 'feel' them through. Sometimes it just takes folks that long to really figure out how they feel about something, and understand the core of it enough to know what to do to resolve it. Don't give up! You're doing great.

[ris]

FMV, you're so helpful, thank you so much!

Yes, he is talking to me a lot more and amazingly, I've learned so much from keeping my mouth shut and actively trying to understand how he feels. There's a quote that I love and now it rings even more true to me "The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting". I've always tried to listen but I guess it was half-listening half-waiting because now that I really try hard to listen, I understand a lot more!

Regarding the negative tone of our conversation, I guess you're right, it is a big and deep issue for him so it will probably take a long time for him to work through it. I just feels so unnatural to me, cause I'm a happy person, but that's something I need to get used to. Sometimes I get an impression that we're going around in circles, repeating the same things and it just makes it feel more and more hopeless. And I get a strong urge to say something encouraging or reassuring but I feel it will go against the way H feels. I still need to figure out what to do there.

I started considering writing him an email saying that I realized that I wasn't listening to him as much as I thought I was and I decided to stop butting in with my thoughts, but just focus on listening. But I am not exactly sure when he needs my reassurance or suggestions or whether he wants them at all, so if he could tell me where is the right track here. Is that a good idea to send something like this? Or would that be asking about the changes I've made which I'm not supposed to do?

[ris]

I think I bombed my validation efforts.

Yesterday and today me and H talked about frustrations his job and how it affects the rest of his life - he feels worthless and unmotivated to do anything (long story short, he has a bit of a toxic situation there, his efforts are greatly unappreciated, never gets recognition but if anything is wrong a put down is always a sure thing).

So he was venting and I validated and finally he says "I don't know what to do". It was a perfect situation for me to jump in with all kinds of advice and encouragement but I stopped myself and validated again. I asked him what kind of support he's needing from me and he said there is nothing I can do and that it's not my fault, but he just has no one else to talk to. I explained that he's not upsetting me and that it's good that we're talking about it because it helps me to understand better how he feels.

Then he again said that he doesn't know what to do. I thought that maybe I should try encouragement. Earlier he said the same thing and I validated and he just dismissively replied "Yeah". So I did give him a slightly encouraging answer, I kept to specifics so that he could really relate to it. I still acknowledged that he can feel the way he feels even though it might be a more negative outlook than things really are.

He didn't respond for a long time and then finally said he was going to sleep. I realize it was a mistake to try and encourage him, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. It seems to me that sometimes we're talking about the same thing all over, just rephrasing. Possibly he felt that way too and just decided to cut the issue? I don't know what he really wants from me and it looks like he doesn't actually know either.

[ris]

I feel like I'm losing the sight of the bigger picture here. I'm reading the book, but I'm not sure what to follow. Maybe I have been too available? So what then, stop contact, make him seek me out? But why the sudden change if everything is going seemingly well? Or am I just being way impatient? I think I'm just getting a little lost in this.

I read other people's sitches and they are so much more serious than mine, but because of that, much more clear cut in terms of what they need to do. Or maybe I just see them clearer because I can look at them as an observer. A lot of people say they wish they came here earlier and I think I'm lucky enough to have done it. But because of that I can't completely relate to a lot of other sitches. I'm not complaining about being here early at all, it's just that I don't really know what I'm trying to do here.

[TulsaTime]

It sounds like you were expecting a certain answer or response and you didn't get it. Patience and consistency.

I didn't see anything wrong with your response. The problem is his. You DID support him. He's worried and stressed. You did fine.

[ris]

TT, thank you for your reply. I just felt like he was frustrated with this conversation. Maybe cause it seemed to just be going in circles?

I think you're kind of right though, I feel like I'm waiting for some more positive resolution of our conversation and I don't know why I keep on expecting it. The fact he's so frustrated and down probably isn't going to change as a result of us talking, is it? I think it's just that he seems to be looking for an answer of what to do about it all and 1. my validation won't provide an answer 2. he doesn't truly want my suggestions.

[ris]

I had a very long conversation with H yesterday that left me wondering whether the man I talked to was really my H!! In the most positive way. We talked about many things, he said he can't wait to have me there... We also talked about future plans and he kept on wanting to do things together! What happened to the guy that was always independent and I had to ask him to do things with me? He suggested that we go to a workshop together that we were both interested in and said it would help us bond on another level He was also very sweet and caring, gave me credit for things.. it was amazing!

We also talked about sex, now he said that I'm extremely sexually attractive to him but "there's something missing". I don't know what to think about this and to be fair he doesn't either. We're going to work on other things and I hope maybe that "something" will turn up. It was a very open conversation and his willingness to work through things was very apparent. I also talked about some things that bugged me and he owned up to them. Very good talk I think.

We flirted a lot and he admitted that despite that mysterious missing, he's been thinking of me sexually in the last few days. I take it as a good thing and I hope that things fall into place there as we work on the entirety of our relationship.

One thing that almost made me fall off my chair was when he said "It is my job as a husband not to bring you down, but to bring you up" . I don't mean to put him down but it's the first time I heard him owning up to being a husband. I'm amazed by the changes in him and very thankful for them. I know he must have been working on himself. It's wonderful. I seriously feel that the guy I talked to last night is better than the one I fell in love with

[FindingMyVoice]

ris hooray! It sounds like you're doing wonderfully...so sorry I'd missed the last few of your posts but I've read through all of them now and am so happy for the progress you're making!

Regarding your concerns about him being dismissive when he replied 'Yeah', and the time he just got up and went to bed (I think it was that?)? Take care not to mindread (I think you already caught that though)... I can't tell you how many times I got those kinds of responses from my H, and I interpreted them exactly the same as you did! I assumed he was being dismissive, figured I'd said or done something wrong. However, as the months have progressed I've learned that it was quite the opposite. Most often when he'd present that response he was just simply processing the conversation and the situation we'd have been discussing. I came to realize this, when if the same topic would come up, he would react in a more positive, connecting way. The first couple times it happened I didn't believe it. But I kept track in my journal and sure enough, it was becoming a pattern. So, hang in there you're doing just great.

As far as the sexuality stuff goes, try not to worry about that 'something missing'. Our sex life went through the ringer. I'm talking years of only ML once or twice a year (blah). But the way my IC described it made total sense. Sex is the ultimate form of intimate communication and connectedness. If you're not communicating well or connecting emotionally in other areas of your life, don't think for a minute your sex life won't have those odd 'something missings'. It will happen, just give it time. So happy to see you're doing well! Keep up the good work. Yay!