A new day ... or something equally cliche ....

[LanceSijan]

PEI

I am not judging you.
It is only an observation.

It sounds like you got knocked off the horse and now it also sounds like you are picking yourself up dusting yourself off and trying to regroup.

Take care of those kiddos.

[Mach1]

As you might expect...since expectations seem to still be a problem....

All of that to say I received some really good advice and have decided on a course of action:

- I am going to go dark and give up any attempts at co-parenting for the time being. He can not be trusted to carry through or honor his word.

No you aren't...and since WHEN did anyone here say to trust an MLCer ?

- I am going to talk to my children (with lots of family support around) and let them know that Daddy is moving out and that he has a "friend" (in an age appropriate way).

Why?

Cause your angry ?

Because you want to control the situation?

Because you want them as angry at him as you are?

So that they will put YOU on the pedastol as the bestest parent in the whole world?

In some attempt to make him "deal" with the ramifications of his decisions by having his children view him in a judgmental way ?

You are better than that PEI....

- I am going to put pen to paper on all of the "loose ends" we have ... utility bills, banking, home repairs, wood for the winter, etc and ask him to review and sign if he agrees that it is what we have already agreed upon ... I'll be careful to work it as "at a minimum"... I will have my sister (a prosecutor in another province) look at it.

Unless it is a legal document, he could sign that he is gonna fly to the moon every Tuesday....It will serve no different than any verbal agreement that he has broken....once again, an expectation that he would follow that.....?????

- I am going to seek out a L who might give me a free consultation.

Good....pick the hardest, toughest SOB this side of the Pecos...

- I am going to draft a schedule and send it to him for comments/suggested changes.

Parallel parenting is hard PEI...until you can learn to co-parent. What you will find is that even though it is hard on you, it will be that hard for the children too....times 5....

Work together FOR them....NOT him.

- I am going to correspond with him only when necessary, and if at all possible by email or text.

That is a fantastic idea for communication...

That way everything will be taken in the context it is intended. You won't have to wonder if he is being genuine, or facetious at all....

- I am not allowing him to spend the night in my house again. He doesn't move into his place until the upcoming weekend so I will allow him to come over and spend the evening with the kids if he wants to spend time with them.

Is it not his house too....still ?

- I am getting a new bed. Not an expense I really should take on but it has to go.

I've heard the sleep number beds are very nice.....

- I am starting to pack his sh!t as soon as I talk to the kids (which will likely be tomorrow). I will stack and pile it in the garage so he can move it without coming intot he house.

Please don't do this in front of your children....


Please take some time to think about this, and not how it affects you, however how it will affect the children...

Remove "you" from the equation and really think "Kids First"

What he does ? You are not gonna agree with, probably not even 10% of the time..

But that is HIS deal with the Devil, not yours.

You are gonna have way different ideas of raising kids now. What was once not allowed, will be allowed very freely, and you HAVE to allow that when it is not your time with them. You are not gonna like it, but you are gonna have to get used to it.

Like my friend Gracie says...

Your job is to not interfere with their relationship.....

And your first day on the job should be today.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Oh .... and just curious Lance ... how intact would your detachment be if you found out that your W was entertainng OM in YOUR house while your young children were there and you were out of town?

I'm not saying I shouldn't be more detached ... but even the best of us have "breaking points" ...

OK ... back to the kids
PEI

There's nothing "un-detached" about effectively enforcing one's main boundaries. In fact, it's HEALTHY -- and necessary.

Puppy

[PEI]

Hey Mach,

Not much time, just wanted to address a couple of things ...

I am waiting 48 hrs to talk to the kids so I don't do or say anything out of anger. I am talking to them because it should have been done ages ago. My D6 is the kind of kid that needs time to process changes and it would have been in her best interest to fill her in weeks ago. I let him drag his heels under the pretense that we would do this "together". I have been reminded over and over again, by his actions, and by 2x4s that he can NOT be trusted, so I have decided to talk to them out of respect for them. Yes, I was angry yesterday. VERY angry at his disrespect of a decision we had made MUTUALLY. This isn't about us having different parenting styles or ideas. We had discussed this issue and agreed upon a course of action. Had he chosen to disagree with me up front then we'd be discussing different ideas of what's best for them. Believe it or not, I don't want the kids angry at him. I want them not to be completely destroyed when he waltzes in and packs and moves all in two days.

No, I won't pack his stuff in front of them ... after they go to bed I am going to start. I need to get the house cleaned out.

No, he walked from the house and everything in it. Then asked if I would consider letting him do his time with the kids in it while we shared expenses until he found his own place. It's being put into my name only within the month.

I intend to communicate with him via text and email to cover my ass legally. I want written record of anything that gets said, spent or decided. I have no intention of being a bitch. I just need to cover my bases and get as dark/dim as possible.

I get that we have different parenting styles ... in fact one of biggest, most successful 180s is letting him parent his way ... my issue here was that WE discussed it and MUTUALLY agreed on what was best. And he did something different anyway. If I can't trust him to carry through, and obviously I can't, then short of scheduling and splitting expenses there isn't much to say. With a clearer head today (hence the 48 hr wait) I will not likely mention much about OW, but I do need to talk to them about him moving out.

Wonder if he's being genuine? Believe none of what they say anyway dude!

I would love some suggestions on what has worked for people in terms of setting up schedules ... we intend to do week-about with a mid week visit ... how flexible are people or do you carve it in stone?

Thanks all!
Off to the campground for a few hours ...
Peace
PEI

[LanceSijan]

Oh .... and just curious Lance ... how intact would your detachment be if you found out that your W was entertainng OM in YOUR house while your young children were there and you were out of town?

I'm not saying I shouldn't be more detached ... but even the best of us have "breaking points" ...

OK ... back to the kids
PEI

There's nothing "un-detached" about effectively enforcing one's main boundaries. In fact, it's HEALTHY -- and necessary.

Puppy

What does "un-detaching" have to do with boundaries.
You lost me there PUP.
She should enforce her boundaries.
I never said she shouldn't.
You made that up.

She should enforce them from a detached state, not an angry place.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

You lost me there PUP.
She should enforce her boundaries.
I never said she shouldn't.

And I never said you did. I was bucking her up, as she sounded like she was waffling and feeling she needed to defend herself as maybe she wasn't "detaching" properly since she was laying out boundaries. I was merely encouraging her.

I'm glad to hear we are in agreement about enforcing boundaries.

Puppy

[LanceSijan]

You can ask her but after reading her post and reading the alt. she had almost gone off the deep end.
Thats the way it sounded to me.

Today she sounds like she is in a much better place.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I don't communicate with PEI in the alt, but I saw nothing in her posts here that communicated anything at all unhealthy. In fact, I'm glad she finally stood up for herself.

Different strokes for different folks, I guess.

Puppy

[PEI]

Hi folks,

Yes I was angry yesterday.

I was 7 hours into a ten hour drive, hadn't seen my kids in a week and found out that stbxH had gone against what we had MUTUALLY AGREED was in the best interest of our children.

Did I really nearly go off the deep end? Not really, but I guess it depends on your definiton of the 'deep end' . I just vented to some trusted friends and got some anger off my chest. Then I got hit with more disrespect when I got home, after finishing that 10 hr drive (and I know tired is not an excuse but it is what it is). And I vented and ranted to those trusted friends again.

Then I decided to set/enforce some boundaries. I did not call him names, I did not call her at all, I did not 'lose it' or any of the things that the old PEI would have done.

I am done being disrespected.

My status update on the alt was a little mellow-dramatic ... "PEI is extremely grateful for her DB friends and their ability to talk me off the ledge".

Thanks all ... really.

Oh, and Mach ... I am slowing down and truly considering your post and your questions. I will set and enforce my boundaries but from a place of love and detachment, not anger. Thank you dude.

Peace
PEI

[PEI]

Oh and Pup, no waffling here. Boundary definitions definitely needed. So is some work on detachment.


PEI