My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

I agree with you Gritt - I don't send it to get it back. It is who I am / what I am. I've lost that over the last few months.

I am slowly replacing hope for a future R with visions for a future of good with family and friends. I want to create a future for myself and my kids that is strong and sustainable. I want to be their place or source of respite. That's how I want to serve them. For me, I want to shed the weight of guilt and shame and hurt and become a lighter, brighter spirit. First things first, I have to begin to forgive myself. This will take some doing (Catholic school guilt thing and all:)) I've always been bothered by the "you did as well as you could with what you had" premise. Where I believe it for others - for myself the standard was "you didn't exceed beyond your best with what you had" standard. I had to do better in order to be worthy. In some ways, my situation reflects that problem. If I had thought myself worthy of H's love and time, would I have been "needy" or insecure? Not that I believe it would change my situation - H is dealing with HIS problems this way - not OUR life.

I have rested a lot this weekend and it is something I MUST continue to do. Makes me stronger:)