I need to vent-this week has been worse then most so far....
On Wednesday (I think) the W told me that she wanted to seperate and that she set up an appointment to look at a condo. I told her to do what she wants to do. I also told her that I want to be her friend no matter what happens to us. I would even help her move out if she needed it. I wonder if that was a good idea.
On Thursday we talked again and she told me that she wasn't so sure that she wanted to move out. She even suggested that we go out to dinner one night.
Today we had another talk (at least we are communicating now --something that hasn't happened in a while) and she told me that she is now leaning towards seperation. She didn't want to go out and get my hopes up. I told her that by going out for dinner we are not going to solve anythnig --it is just a time to hang out and talk. I think it is important because we haven't really talked in a long time. She didn't completely shut the door on dinner yet. We'll see what happens this week.
I asked her today if she wanted to get a divorce and she began to back down. We also talked about her EA and she stated that she has ended that (I kind of believe her because her texting has gone down and there are no more late night calls).
We always had a rule in our relationship that said if one of us cheated then our marraige was over. She has claimed that it is not physical. But there are little things that make me concerned. She has been very cautious around me and now will shut the bathroom door when she is getting dressed. She has been caught looking a hockey picture on her cell phone by our daughter, I caught her in bed looking at a picture, and now she has a trip to another city for one night with "friends". I even gave her an out tonight during our talk by telling her that if it was physical I wouldn't end it based on what I have found out about our marraige. (and that is probably true-I value honesty and she hasn't been so far). I really want to believe her but these little things pop up and I notice them. Not much I can do about it right now. This is a question that I am going to ask my DB coach this week as well as our MC.
So what keeps me in all of this mess and not thowing in the towel and giving up? It is my girls (10 and 12), the thought that this would devestate them, the house, our finances, and our lives together with all of our friends. But I can't do this forever and days like today really want to make me give up and find someone else. I just have a hard time believing that I am going through this right now. I really think she wants to end our marraige but doesn't want to file.
If we do seperate, I will file for divorce. That way she has 6 months to figure things our before we are done and finalized. I get a timeline and hopefully closure on this.
What I really hope is that she come clean with everything and we start to work through counseling together. I asked her tonight why isn't she honest with everything. She stated that she has told me most things about her EA. But notice that she did not say "all".
So what do I do with a spouse who will not end it but will continue to see him or at least keep on the look out for other men? It also doesn't seem like she is trying right now in MC. But she has made time everyday to spend 30 minutes to an hours to talk to me. I don't know but my heart is screaming to leave her but my head is saying think this through and give counseling a chance.
I have been trying to GAL. I signed up for a weight lifting class, completed my first triathlon on Wednesday, been running almost every day, and have strated dance classes (I can't dance unless I drink a bunch of beer) I gotta to get ready in case I am on the dating scene. I really don't want that headache. On the positive side, it was really nice to dance with an attractive woman who I could hold a conversation with while dancing (dance insructor- and not looking for anything). I really miss the conversations between the W and I. Now it is just cold and impersonal.
I know that there are a lot of other people going through similar situations. I read their post and wish them luck.
