tired of this

[A_goodman]

Today, we had the longest R talk since this all started. She was pissy with me and I stood my ground (sort of, eventually). She tried to bait me and I called her on her CB, but then got baited back and had to walk away.

But with everything that I learned yesterday, my resolve is shot. I felt like a heel for upsetting her ( I know, I know. It was CB and I did the right thing db wise, but my confidence is shot now). So I skulked back in and apologized for upsetting her. Totally fell on the sword and said I didn't want to get her riled up and that although I felt justified in not accepting her behavior, I meant what I said yesterday. That I wanted to be a source of comfort not extra anxiety.

Well, I got what I deserved immediately. She lambasted my feelings and said she didn't need my "fake concern". Ouch. She said all kinds of pleasant things about me and I felt my old spot on the front step beckoning me back. I assured her that I was sincere. Asked her how she could accuse me of not caring or wanting to be comforting. And a bunch of other melty man vomit.

Then the epiphany slowly started coming to me. She said that she didn't NEED me. She had a bunch of good friends and her family who REALLY cared about her. They would be comfort enough. She said their concern and love for her wasn't just BS like mine apparently was.

I asked how she could say that and she started to open my eyes. She sai that she used to think she knew me. She used to think I really cared, but that for the last few months I haven't shown her any emotion at all. I haven't been kind at all to her. She thinks I'm in for some harsh reality. All this happy go lucky "I'm going to be fine" bologna I've been spouting is delusional and that I haven't looked into myself and seen how things really are. I am destined for a huge fall if I don't get some help figuring out my emotions (if she only knew how much help I've had). She said that I treat her with civility, but no kindness and she's been wondering just what I actually do feel for her.

In about a nanosecond that faint glow on the horizon turned into the white brilliant light of noon at the equator. This stuff is working! The ice queen is scared and confused. She is noticing and it's got her shaken!

My satisfaction felt like a warm bed on a freezing winter morning. But I knew it had to be savored in the moment. It will not last because I won't be able to sustain my efforts.

For the time being I did though. I told her that I did not need her either. That my positive outlook was not, in fact delusional at all. That I have been diligently examining my emotions for months. That my future will be bright regardless of our M. I told her that the lack of emotion she has recognized is due to the fact that I haven't any real emotion to share with her. Does she expet affection? Happiness and contentment? Love? Passion? I can't show what isn't there. Kindness? And what great acts of kindness has she shown me? I told her that my aloofness and detachment are EXACTLY what she wanted from me. She wanted her space, an end to smothering and pursuit. All this she has recieved from me. I asked her how she expected me to treat her? The iron curtain is hers not mine, but it's there and I have respected it.

This was my final true stand. I know that with the uncertainty of her health, I will wither under the fear and not be able to shoulder the guilt of thinking that I may be causing her grief and anxiety on top of everything else. If she is going to be ok, I will have to make up all my lost ground. If not, I will not abandon her and will suffer on in either limbo or revert to my old doormat ways to avoid causing her more pressure. It probably won't be long in that case.

If anybody has any suggestions for this I will be all ears.

That was a wonderful feeling for a little while. It felt like victory.

God bless all.