tired of this

[A_goodman]

Last night, my Earth shifted on it's axis.

For those of you who've been following me along my journey and anybody else who's ever helped me, I will be etternally thankful. I felt really strong, really sure of myself and the proper course of action. It's all been turned on it's side.

W had a dr's appt yesterday. She's been having some pain the last few months. It seemed innocuous. She took off yesterday for the appt and because MIL had an outpatient proceedure. When I got home, she wasn't there. Nothing new about that, so I didn't give it much thought.

When she arrived, she greeted the kids and made some small talk with me. In a quiet moment, she dropped a bomb of a different nature. She may need a surgury. I asked what for and she said the dr's are worried. They have run all the tests in previous visits and are unsure what's causing her pain. Several options are very very bad. Fatal bad.

I tried to maintain all my gains, but my head was swimming. Not sure what my position is or even should be. In
my head I was screaming no and begging for some help. Not stupid. I know that the R problems don't go away. Was wishing I could channel Coach or Pup among others. All I could focus on was "Lead".

Db went right out the window for the most part. Nothing is certain. It could still turn out that it's not as bad as it might be. Does that make sense? I hugged her and asked why she didn't call me. We'd talked briefly earlier in the day and she said I didn't seem that friendly and was quick to get off the phone. I Was on the way to a meeting. Anyway, she said she didn't think she wanted to face more of that. I told her it was ok and made sense.

I reacted as her husband. I was scared out of my head and knew she was too. Even though she was in her "strong don't need anybodies help " mode. I did my best to keep db in mind, but I have no idea how I did. I told her that health crisises trump M crisises, and that I wanted to put aside out situation for the time being. Told her the problems are still there and that they can wait until we know for sure she's going to be ok. They'll still be there. But for now, I plan to be there for her. I plan to comfort her and face this together.

I reminded her about her ILYBNILWY. I told her that even though that's the case, perhaps for both of us, that the first part of it is ILY. I would expect and want her to help me if the tables were turned. We have 20 yes of being there for each other and even if we're not in love anymore, I do still love her. Am still concerned gor her. Still want her to be healthy. Definately want the boys to have their Mommy for a long time.

More hugging and some tears (hers). Mine are all used up I guess.

Then I made her go to dinner with me and the boys. Payday and I've gotten in the habit of taking them to their favorite pizza place. She wanted to beg out, but I wouldn't let her. She needed to get out and not sit by herself IMO.

I hoped I was leading the whole time. If not, it seemed a rather small concern at the time.

More happened today. It needs a seperate post.

Never thought I'd say it, but I'd be happy getting back to just "tired of this".