I made it back home safe and sound. I had a great vacation: spent some quality time with a very dear friend, hung out with my cousin and her family in Boston and even got lots of alone time too.
I drove over 2500kms by myself, even right into the heart of Boston to go to the aquarium and explore some of the downtown shops etc. My cousin's H suggested that as I reached PEI again I should have a "victory" song ready ... so I cranked up "Independant Woman" by Destiny's Child and sang my guts out
Soooooo ...
I'm on my way home today and called the kids to say HI and see ya soon! They were at MILs as stbxH has been there for 4-5 of the 7 days working on the house next door (he inherited it from his granddad years ago and we were always meaning to fix it up and use it as a cottage - repairs need to be made now or it's going to crumble). Spoke to MIL, she wasn't sure what time he intended to have the kids home so I told her to let him know I planned on getting in by 8pm. Shortly after I received a text from him "8???????? what time did you leave Boston?". I was driving so I called intead of texted and told him I hoped to be ahead of that, but 8pm was my worst case scenario. I told him I would touch base later in the day to confirm whether or not I was ahead of schedule.
I called back after lunch to let him know that I would be there by 7 at the latest and he didn't have his phone outside with him so suggested D7 might run it out to him and have him call me when they were taking a break. I was trying to figure out if he was going to have the kids home in time for me to take them to see my Mom before bedtime.
He calls back, tells me he won't have them back in time, they are behind on the roof due to rain and they're busting their butts to get it done. So I casually ask "who's helping you?" and get told "Dad, my brother and OW".
As background: Before I left for vacation we spoke about talking to the kids. He's been saying he might introduce them to OW as his "friend" and we talked about the questions D6 has been asking and how she's not understanding as well as we thought she was. We agreed that they need to be told that Daddy is moving out and then get settled and get back to school before any intros are made.
So I got mad. Said something, don't even remember what, and hung up on him. I was pissed. He told me I was over-reacting.
I called a couple of good friends (y'all know who you are) and they collectively talked me in off the ledge. I managed to make the rest of the drive home in relative peace ... I just couldn't wait to see my babies After I spoke to them, he called and I apologized for hanging up on, told him I was experiencing intense feelings of anger and frustration and that we could talk about it at another time (or something along those lines). He said thank you.
As I'm at home waiting for him to bring the kiddos home to me, I spoke to my sister who informs me that OWs car was in MY driveway on at least two nights while I was gone. I almost called her this time. Came VERY close. Too close. So I reached out AGAIN, and they calmed me down ... AGAIN.
I called stbxH and calmly asked when the kids were going to be home, and he asked what was wrong (apparently I was over calm, or cool or whatever). I said we don't need to talk about it now, he pushed ... I caved and said "maybe finding out that OW was here in MY house while the children were home???" he says some garbage about being discrete and I say "I am done being disrespected" and I hang up on him.
He dropped off the kids, and I ignored him. Hugged and kissed the kiddos, lots of bear hugs and sweetness. As he was leaving I calmly asked "when will the children see you again?" (I had posted a suggested schedule to get us through until Sept 1st and asked him to look at it and comment/suggest changes while I was gone and he did not). He bitched about what I suggested, I said fine, we'll just go to week about now, I was trying to facilitate his moving on Saturday ... and then I asked him to leave. He said he would text me.
A few minutes after he left he texted me and we had the following exchange:
Him: You are blowing things out of proportion.
Me: No. I'm not. I will not allow u, or anyone for that matter, to disrespect me anymore. U did not honour our agreement re discretion and u did not have the right to invite her into my home.
Him: Its still my home too ..... I am sorry if it bothers you, i really am. I have been very discrete. They have no idea about anything .....
Me: No. We were very clear, it's my house and u were sharing expenses during this time, and u know it. U knew it would bother me and u don't care. It is not discrete to take her to your parents while the kids were there, but u know that too. We had already discussed an intro and MUTUALLY agreed now was not the time. U could have called to give me a heads up and did not. U have continuously disrespected me throughout this entire process and insist on putting your needs ahead of everyone, including the kids.
Him: For all they know she could have been there with my brother ... there were no introductions. Just someone helping work on the house. What good would a heads up have done?
Me: It would have been respectful.
Sooooo....
All of that to say I received some really good advice and have decided on a course of action:
- I am going to go dark and give up any attempts at co-parenting for the time being. He can not be trusted to carry through or honor his word.
- I am going to talk to my children (with lots of family support around) and let them know that Daddy is moving out and that he has a "friend" (in an age appropriate way).
- I am going to put pen to paper on all of the "loose ends" we have ... utility bills, banking, home repairs, wood for the winter, etc and ask him to review and sign if he agrees that it is what we have already agreed upon ... I'll be careful to work it as "at a minimum"... I will have my sister (a prosecutor in another province) look at it.
- I am going to seek out a L who might give me a free consultation.
- I am going to draft a schedule and send it to him for comments/suggested changes.
- I am going to correspond with him only when necessary, and if at all possible by email or text.
- I am not allowing him to spend the night in my house again. He doesn't move into his place until the upcoming weekend so I will allow him to come over and spend the evening with the kids if he wants to spend time with them.
- I am getting a new bed. Not an expense I really should take on but it has to go.
- I am starting to pack his sh!t as soon as I talk to the kids (which will likely be tomorrow). I will stack and pile it in the garage so he can move it without coming intot he house.
That should cover it for now ....
Whew ... I'm tired! Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
