Well I'm certainly no expert on this stuff, but maybe you should start responding to Mr. A like you would if a friend called. If it's convenient to talk to him when he calls then pick up the phone and say hello. If it's not convenient then let it go to voicemail and call him back later. When you talk to him if you don't like the way the conversation is going then cut the call short either by telling him why or simply that you have "things" to do - your choice.
But I'm thinking about something else right now: we get so mean and obsessed sometimes! At least I do.
Is Mr. A sitting around thinking about me and what a such-and-such I am but how he would still want to talk to me in a way the encourages our future togetherness?
I have no idea. Maybe he is. Probably he is NOT.
Anyway, I don't want to! It's BORING! And it makes me get sick of myself.
I have to figure out how to be a person who is not living in relation to Mr. A.
The board's probably pretty dead tonight, but I want to journal here anyway.
1) BA, I just reread your last post and it's brilliant. It's so simple, yet so wise! And sooooo *not* what I've been doing. So I'm going to give it a try!
2) Since I've stopped keeping my paper journal, I want to recap events of the past month now. I have to see my IC on Monday and I'm forgetting what happened when.
I'll submit this now so that my computer doesn't mess up before I finish looking at the calendar for my recap...
Wednesday, July 28: Mr. A and I became officially divorced. Then I went up north (this is a Michigan phrase roughly meaning "visited Lake Michigan"). I returned the next day.
Friday, July 30: Had a golf lesson with Slowburn, at the end of which he told me he was "married". Also had my first meetup of the Beginner Golf League.
Saturday/Sunday (7/31-8/1): Mr. A called me and then came over. We didn't have a serious talk but we did get intimate. I told him on Sunday morning that our tryst was "just for old times' sake".
Now I'm getting hazy about what happened since then, so I have to look back at my posts...
*Note to self: I had a special meeting with my IC on Friday, 7/30, and then skipped our regularly scheduled meeting on Monday, 8/2.
Friday, August 6: Had an unplanned date with someone from the Meetup group.
Saturday/Sunday (8/7-8/8): Mr. A came over again and we had an R talk. We were intimate once, but then he refused my later advances.
Monday, August 9: I saw my IC and we made my resolutions about how I would act with Mr. A. Key points: DO NOT answer the phone if he calls after I go to bed; DO accept if he invites me in advance on a real date; for all other situations, weigh my options and act with kindness, but keep my integrity.
Thursday, August 12: Mr. A called me three times. He finally left me a message saying he got a job and was very excited. I called him back and got his voicemail but told him I was happy for him.
Friday/Saturday (8/13-8/14): Mr. A called me incessantly for 90 minutes - I never answered - and then came to the house and let himself in through the secret way. He had been out with old friends and was pumped about *finally* landing a job. I made the mistake of giving it up - and thereby broke my resolution that I had made with my IC. He left at 10 on Saturday morning.
Sorry for the multiple posts, but I gotta check my thread again!
Wednesday, August 18: Mr. A called twice in a row and left a message the second time. He just wanted to tell me how his new job is going. I called back and left a message that I'm happy it's going well.
Thursday/Friday (8/19-8/20): Mr. A called me late (midnight) and we talked for 20 or 30 minutes. Frankly, it was a lot of fun. Near the end of our conversation, he asked me out on an official date and I accepted. (Remember I had made this resolution with my IC, plus it felt really good at the time!) We are slated to go out tomorrow (Sunday) afternoon. I haven't heard from him since...
I need to do some reflection on my recap now that it is all there in black and white, but I want to address the situation at hand first. If anyone is looking at this, I would appreciate feedback.
Of course I am stressing that Mr. A asked me out on a date on Thursday but hasn't called me to confirm since then. We don't have a time or a place. We just agreed that we would go out on Sunday afternoon.
Now I need a plan of action for myself. Let me just get it all out there and it'll help me think things through...
If I knew for sure that Mr. A would follow through and we would have a date tomorrow afternoon, I would do the following:
1) Get all of my "weekend chores" (laundry, vacuuming, etc.) done now; 2) Primp, like give myself a facial; 3) Brush up on normal things to talk about, since all I ever do is post/read here and read relationship books!!! 4) POSSIBLY get some information on what we could do tomorrow...
Regarding #4: Since Mr. A asked me out, I might not bother trying to figure out options for what we should do. He said that he would like to go to the driving range (I think golf has become a metaphor for us), and he sort of implied that I've been doing this more, so I should decide. But I think that would be getting back into a self-defeating pattern... more on that later.
The alternative scenario is that Mr. A doesn't call at all and we're off for tomorrow. If I think along those lines, I'm setting Mr. A up to fail me. But if I don't acknowledge that possibility, I'm setting myself up for disappointment.
So the big question is this: Now that I am in "Surviving the Big D", should I still - as DR/MDW would recommend - "act as if"? Knowing that Mr. A left me, had a big affair, and then proceeded to divorce me, should I still "act as if" he is going to come through on our date tomorrow?
P.S. Sometimes reality seems too hard to believe!!!
Ok, I took a brief time-out and got some perspective. The real question is this: What can I do tonight/tomorrow morning that won't make me resent Mr. A (even more!) if he bails on me tomorrow?
1) I can start dealing with the laundry. I *HATE* putting away laundry, but it needs to be done and I always feel better after. I'll just do as much as I can easily stand and not push myself.
2) I can primp til I get tired. I love primping. I have eye masks, cheek masks, neck masks, EVERYTHING! And I love to pamper myself with them. So I can just do that til I get tired. Sometimes I get uptight about it and say, Oh - I must totally beautify myself tonight (like I did before our last court hearing!). Well I won't do that tonight. I'll just be good to myself!
Bottom line: Mr. A and I are divorced. He did it but *I* am still willing to talk to him. If I do anything for him that he doesn't request of me, then the onus is on me to deal with it if he doesn't react in the way I hope he will. That's the sum total of my responsibility right now - simply to own *my* contributions and expectations.
Hey Mrs. A! Here's my two cents. HE asked YOU out so the onus is on him to determine what you are going to do, so I don't think you need to figure out what you can do on your date. Since he hasn't followed up since asking you out I'd either send him an email/text (or call if you like) tomorrow morning asking him what time he is coming by to pick you up to go out. If he cancels then, unless it's a damn good reason, he's lost his Mrs. A. privilges in going out for awhile.
If he makes good on the date, just enjoy the time, don't rehash the past or do anything resembling R talk. Think of this as building a new relationship with him and enjoy the newness. I hope you have a great day tomorrow. By the way thanks for "friending" me in the alt.
