Things have been going strong on my end. H is loving attentive supportive helpful, all qualities my old H had before going onto his spaceship! He helps me with dinner or brings home dinner so we can eat together, is here when not working. He is more touchy, hugging, kiss goodbye and more loving towards me. Other night sent me a text of a smiley face blwing a kiss. I had to ask and he said yes. (Blackberries have these faces). We spent one night at his moms for her bday it was fun. Like old times! Las night ate dinner with my family. More fun! This morning got texts saying:
I feel sorry about what I did to you. I hate that I made you stressed and sick during your PG and am so happy baby is happy and healthy. You're a great mom. I'm sorry I ruined your life, and our dreams. Went on and on.,,
Then wrote I miss us and our dreams for the future...
I wrote that I would like it if we spoke face to face.
Oh and I apologize for my crappy spelling and grammer! I seem to only get on this site from my phone and the screen is so small and the buttons are so close! Hahaha! I rush to write and realize it doesn't always make sense!
Yeah, it sounds like your H is being clear now. It's so great that he's being so loving and touchy! Are you going to bring up MC or are you still waiting and seeing how things are going?
H knows I think MC would be an absolute necessity so I am waiting for him to do the work. I need to see H fight for the role he wants play in my life and yes he has to bring it up.
He is being very clear,I think, and this is based on what I am feeling, is that you almost don't know where to start? I am also scared. Very scared and at the same time almost feel as if I am capable of forgetting the past 8 months and just moving forward b/c I love him that much! Because I believe we have what it takes to survive. Its a lot of emotions, including happiness!
Gatsby, did you and your H start MC? How is that going?
Well, BD. We haven't started because he has been avoiding it. I waited a little for him to bring it up, but then I did, and he evaded and it hasn't come back up again.
It's really irritating to me. I'm trying to have patience and just chill. But I don't want to be around him if he doesn't want to make this work. So it's hard for me.
At the same time, he could be bipolar or just generally depressed, don't really know. So that's helping me have some grace.
You can decide to forgive, BD, but I doubt you will ever forget. I am worried about H being a fairweather husband, and giving you similar dramas down the track. Okay he's happy things have turned out..yeah, sure!, you have a beautiful baby and are in the 'honeymoon' stages of that and a wife that allowed him to run off and then come back despite the distress he caused you... There've been no consequences. All that was incredibly wrong and selfish of him. How has he learnt his lesson? Words, especially "sorrys" in a text, are cheap, IMHO. I want you 2 to reconcile, but I am really scared when the going gets tough or there's hard work to be done, he'll just run away again. You are worth more, and unless you show him you are worth more, he'll never fully respect you. I would say limit contact until you do MC. I mean, what have been the consequences of his actions so far? Nothing! I don't mean 'punish' him, I mean set some boundaries.
Sorry to be a bummer.
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Hi Piano, not the response I expected. But I understand what you are saying. I guess I didn't tell the whole story, but H wrote the txts, yes, not my preferred style of communication. Yesterday H was here helping the baby, and when he was asleep, H and I talked. Basically, he talked about his regrets, and how he wished we wouldve tried counseling instead of leaving, that he was too wraPped in the pressure of doing well with school, and having to support a family before graduating, and that we didn't spend as much time with one another to just enjoy each other as we always had.
He said and these were his words, I regret my actions and leaving you. He also talked about how he felt distant and thought he'd fallen out of love with me but he still has strong feelings for me and us. Said he started to feel differently months ago, but was scared about what he felt, and was afraid to tell me, because I'd run with it, or what if his feelings changed. Also said he didn't want to do this because of the baby, and he had to try and focus on the baby rather than us, and he was scared of how he felt. Said his feelings grew so much stronger after the baby was born, and again, needed to push it aside to see that it wasn't because of the bay, but said he feel strongly its "us" he misses. We talked for a while. I questioned things, without going deeply into anything, and he was sincere. Yes we need MC!
I have to be honest and say that I started to forgive H months ago. I will probably never forget how he left and am taking a chance on him, but isn't that what love is all about... Taking chances? And wouldn't I be doing the same thing with someone else? Who's to say the next guy won't cheat on me and leave?
I get the boundaries thing but I don't have to teach H a lesson. I am his W not his mother. He will be the one to have a heavy heart about what he did. His regret is his punishment. Him not living here or being here when I was PG to share the experience is his own self inflicted punishment.
Yes, we both need IC and MC. But as I have felt and said to him when he said he was leaving is that I KNOW what we shared was worth fighting for.
H is not a saint, believe me what he did was incredibly wrong! He made a huge lousy decision.
My approach in all of this DBing was treating him like a MLC case. From the little I read about A, its very different in style. Treated a PA is with NC and strict boundarie, and MLc is a softer approach. I'm not saying that I will be a door mat.
I appreciate your concern piano, a little sad to hear your response, but I feel confident enough to know that I am pretty smart about the situation, and knowing that this will take years to fix. I read a lot of R storied and piecing stories, and most of them pretty much follow the same path... Friends first, security, create a home to come back to, and just be yourself.
I wasn't a great DBer, but I did what worked for me and my sitch. I may not work for someone else. NC works for mostzn I tried it, didn't fit into our sitch. I can't be a bitch because to punish him or prove a point. MWD says "forgiveness is the gift you give yourself" and in all situations in life it is so very true.
I truly understand where you ate coming from. And I'm sorry for not getting into full detail about our conversations over the past few times, and believe me, H is not moving in tomorrow, but I am going down this road. Yes we are reconciling and making our marriage, our family work. I have worked so hard on myself, and also spent so much time in C to know that I am stronger, and to have higher expectations for my M with H.
I'm pretty excited (and scared) to see where this is going.
You know that exciting feeling you get when you meet someone new and its flirting and laughng and that feeling in your heart... Well I get to experience all of that again with my H... Again!
Someone said to me months ago, you know deep inside if your M will work, and if he qill come back, fr the most part I think its true.
I trust my instincts and believe in 'us'. Guess its hard for an outside to see, or understand, but I'm sure I will get this reaction from a lot of people. Avtually, most people who know us, family and friends say they are not surprised and thought this would happen and we' be back together. They don't know what we've talked about, this is just based on our lifestyle and actions the past few months. Gotta run! Baby is waking! Getting ready for a fun day with s, H, nd then spenindg time with my adorabble nephew. He is a year old and isn't sure what S is all about! Hahaha
BD, I think these steps are encouraging! We can't predict the future, but if your H commits to you and you 2 work it out, and then 5 years from now he flips out--something tells me you won't be "putting up with it!" Is that right?
I wish we could believe our spouses when they tell us "til death do us part" and "for better or worse" but I just can't believe anyone ever again.
As for you guys, IMO, I think you will be asking tough questions during MC and you will not just take him back blindly!
I am so happy at this point while holding my breath...not because I don't believe you are able to reconcile but am trying to see if HE will be strong enough to follow through!!! I HOPE SO!!! You guys have been able to bond together with your son despite the sitch. I am envious! Keep posting-- I wonder if Piano is just being protective of you and cautious? Is that right, P?
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Hey! Yes, that's right. No offense intended Babydoll. Apologies for looking like I don't have faith in your sitch, because I really, really do!!! I was writing as a concerned friend. It's HIM I am worried about. I'm not saying don't love him, just be careful please. But I you know this, and my post came on too strong!!
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
Of course I appreciate your honesty. Not offended, a little surprise but its to be expected. You girls are my friends... And I expect your honesty! No one has listened to me go through my sitch the way you all have.
Of course I am happy with the direction this is going in, but I do have my list of expectation from my H as well as from my M. My expectations are much higher having gone through the past 8 months. I explained this to H. He knows I'm not one to be toyed with. And although I'm not a great DBer I'm not a pushover either.
H told me today that if I will agree to it, he would like to wrk things out between us. He wants to go to MC so that we can reoncile the right way. We usd to do everything together...made all decisions and plans equally. I told H if he is serious then the ball is in his court. So he said he's like to call the group I mentioned to him back in april/may and will set up the appointment. He said I told him plenty of times, that with me it was all or nothing, and he feels that he is 100% committed to making this work. He said he knows we have what it takes. Said he wants to grow old with me and have a family with me. Said he loves being around me and he hurts when he has to leave at night. I told him, as I told him when he left after the baby was born, unless we live in this house as a married couple and are in counseling, there is no reason for him to be here. When he moves back home, its in our bedroom together. We agreed to takes things slow. H said he want to do it right and enjoy every moment. Said he doesn't care what our family and friends have to say bc he knows what he feels and wouldn't have asked me to work things out if he didn't feel strongly about it. So we also decided we will need to start dating all over again. From scratch. Which is pretty exciting! He asked me to dinner... We both giggled. I said we need to take baby steps and work on us individually and then together. H has already lined up an IC for himself, so that he can work on himself. Says he feels miserable and so sad by his actions, and doesn't know why he did what he did or why he felt that way. Said it kills him inside. Also that he wanted to talk to me so many times, but at first he needed to be certain the feelings were not temporary and then not because of the baby. And until he felt completely confident and willing to work, its going to be a rough tough long journey but says he is dedicated to making it work. I am sitting back on this... Can't lead him to his feelings or make it seem like I am desperate to have him back. Truth is I'm scared, Not in a way that I think it wouldn't work, just that everything will be so new and different. When I think of him kissing me I get nervous...like when we first started dating.
Believe me, H desnt have it easy and I'm not making our M part easy... Being in the babys life yes... I welcome him into it.I told H that he didn't have to think the baby was a reason to fix things. His response was that he knows. He said he is the babys father and can have access to him forever despite our relationship. And that the baby is a bonus not the reason for R.
H said he knows a lot of family and friends may be judgemental and express concern, but he doesn't care. He said he wants a life w/ me and the boy and he will do what it takes.
So... I know MC will help us open up about what happened and help us forgive and move forward. I think its vital to our R and M.
H has always been a tad quiet when it came to his feelings and I told him I am not a dentist... Will not pull teeth to get words out of him. Its now up to him to show me otherwise. I told hime I am a different person now... A little rougher and tougher and have high expectations for anyone in my life. H said he know he can meet hem and that he thinks we can make it.
Baby boy is just a perfect litle angel! Truly god sent!
