Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[Steve McQueen]

Since people are playing retroville salesperson in a situation where it seems very likely your wife is still involved in some sort of affair, I am going to play big brother.

With no disrespect to Sandi; Part of the problem here is this: Sandi calls you a "little desparate boy." And you are thanking her, thanking her so very much.

Man. Time to man up. Be a man. John.

And No. The Gucci speech wasn't going to have any effect because she just gave it to you. That is like taking the cream from the pie that just got smashed against your face and flicking it back. It doesn't have the same effect.

Get your emotional state in check.

I really like Coach and Sandi and PDT. I think their way of conveying what needs to be said is fantastic and to the point. But every time I read them write about boundaries I kinda shutter. Boundaries are like fences and rules they are meant to be tested; they are to be jumped and broken. Your wife gave you some boundaries that say I don't want to be your wife. And you are treating them like the word of God. Do you not want to be her husband?

Your wife came on to you sexually several times over the past week and you rejected her each time. Last night even leaving the house. No wonder she dumped you.

As I read this, I am wondering if either you are not interested in girls or you enjoy playing the cuckold.

Your wife goes Brazilian. Lets you touch her. And it goes no further.

?????????????????????????????????????

I dont get it! Your excuse is her boundary is not to have sex with her. I don't get that either. Does she have VD and doesn't want you to get it? Do you think it disappoints her that John isn't man enough to take her sexually? Obviously last night it was. She goes out of her way to plan this special night that you asked for and you don't thank her correctly.

I have to if I want any chance to save my M.

John. If you want any chance to save your marriage you need to break her boundaries.

[john28]

WELL - NEW TURN OF EVENTS

SHE IS GONE!!!

WITH S4!!!


FFFFFFK!


I spent all day with s4 and we went out golfing this afternoon, when we came back she took him out of the car, and I thought that was odd. I brought home fastfood and said we were going inside to eat. She said no, she was taking him to a friends house to swim. I said, no, he needs to eat.

I'm walking into the house and i see that she's meddling out in our other car.

I look - the car is packed.

I say wtf is going on and she says that she's leaving and not coming back. She says we'll work it out but she's taking our S4 and leaving. I throw a big fit and say, "no you can't do that, I have rights to him too....." yada yada it escalates, she is screaming at me, I start screaming at her


She grabs S4 and bolts for the door -- well, it was a really ugly scene. Straight outa movie. S4 is crying and screaming and we're both screaming... it's just terrible.


So , my family is gone. I'm done. That's it. Oh god.... I felt like when I can finally start to become at peace that my M is over she snatches the rug from under me and takes my whole life away.


She called me just now, said she would be by at 4:00pm tomorrow with our S4 and we could talk about how to coparent until we get a legal seperation. She threw out 70/30 split time for custody.

THIS IS HORRIBLE!!! HOW DID MY LIFE COME TO THIS>!?!?!?!?!?

[FaithnAK]

Man, I'm so sorry.

First thing I would do is get a grip and start thinking about your kid ONLY from here on. You need to be strong for him and him only. Then you put yourself second. Time to really show her what you are made of now John.

Screw anything she says right now, break off contact, and get a Lawyer to help with your son.

Hang in there buddy. We're all here for you!

[Steve McQueen]

THIS IS HORRIBLE!!! HOW DID MY LIFE COME TO THIS>!?!?!?!?!?

Because. You did not "put your foot down" and say that Internet chat affairs, and secret college friends and peek-a-boo web cam programs were inappropriate and you did not approve.

so you set precedence she could walk all over you.

Because. You did not "put your foot down" and say that the lack of transparency and lack of trust indicated something was going on and you did not approve.

so you set precedence she could walk all over you.

Because. she started stupid arguments about cookware and you did not catch on that there was a bigger issue to deal with.

so you set precedence she could walk all over you.

Because. She set ridiculous boundaries you agreed to then rubbed them in your face.

so you set precedence she could walk all over you.

Believe it, this actually the best thing that could happen to you.

Because. Now you can deal with these issues where you allowed her to walk all over you before you let her back into your life.

Oh, and change the locks.

[Lotus]

John,

This is serious. You need a lawyer.

Unless there is abuse in your house, there is no good reason why she should run off with your son. Of course you know that he is in good hands and will come home safe and sound either tomorrow, or soon.

Maybe you could find someone to talk to on Sunday, but certainly on Monday you will be able to get a lawyer and start forcing her to play fair and stop trying to run away with the ball.

[john28]

Thanks Steve - I'll schedule the locksmith after our meeting tomorrow.

So, we're meeting tomorrow at her request at 4:00pm to discuss in her words, "a plan for us to both be with S4 for the next few weeks until we can go to mediation and design a coparenting plan." She plans to come here to the house at 4:00pm, but I'm going to suggest that we do this on neutral ground and not at our home. Because I don't want a scene and I want to take EMOTION out of the equation on this meeting. If we're in a public place we can't let emotion get in the way (i mean, we can, but it would be bad).

I've made up my mind that anything less than 50/50 is unacceptable.


She thinks that 70/30 (in her favor) is fair. She's thrown that figure out dozens of times. So I'll be walking into that meeting tomorrow. She reasons that she's been the primary caregiver for his entire life (as a SAHM) and that she should continue this. What she doens't recognize is that I've been the breadwinner for all these years so she COULD do that.

My plan is this -
I have about 100 hours of vacation built up. I will tell her that I've been thinking about it, and I want to use a week's worth of vacation in the next few weeks before we get in front of a mediator. I'd like to take S4 fishing, to the beach, maybe to one of the caves or museums, etc... and that I want this because this may be the last time that I'm able to see him like that for a long time, and it is important to me and him that we bond before all of this goes down. Likewise, I think she should have a week with him too.

I will not say the words 50/50. That will set in her mind my precedence of only allowing 50/50 custody. I will not say those words! That reveals my plan.

Here is the real kicker, something I haven't told this community yet.....


.... my parents are very wealthy. They'll hire the best of the best to take this to where I may end up with the 70/30 in my favor. It's very very possible with all the things that she has done, including an abortion she had 8 days before the bomb drop. At the time I had exposed the affair, about 2 weeks earlier, I did not know if the child was mine. I never really agreed to this, but she did it anyway. I never took her there, I never went to the followup, anything. I thought it was possible that the EA had gone PA but she wouldn't admit it, I didn't know what to do. Her reasoning was she did not want another child - that she was trying to go back to school, wasn't ready, etc. I had no say so in the matter.

Sorry to drop that bomb on this board.

I know it may be a sensitive subject, and that is why I have not brought it up before. Frankly, I'm afraid she'd find this thread somehow and see everything I've wrote - but now that she is out of the house I don't care. She's gone.

Anyways - back to my wealthy parents. They're all for playing dirty. And, they don't like W very much anyways, and she doesn't like them. She is DEATHLY afraid that I will go postal with super-L and take her for all she's worth. Her family has zero money to cover L fees.... hence, she wants to go to mediation to "work this out".

I will not play dirty unless forced to. I will attempt to by all means work this out tomorrow until mediation as a fair split of time for the next two weeks. If she will not settle for that, then I will simply say:

"I can see where this is going, and I do not like it. I think I am done here."

I will not threaten L or anything. I will stick to my guns as "I do not like where this is going. I need time to think about this really hard."

I will not agree to anything less than even time. I am standing up for myself. It is MY RIGHT to see my S4 as equally as she is.

She has no job. No degree. No skills. Never had a job. Just been a SAHM. It is not my fault this is the case. She could have made it a priority to go back to school if she really wanted.

She just has alot of issues to work out. She has terrible self-asteem (as do I) and this has brought our M to where it is.

[john28]

Well - believe it or not she just called me SOBBING on the phone. Very sad. Crying her eyes out. Said she wanted to talk.

I just told her it wasn't a good idea. But she gave me the emotional - I have no one to talk to... - speech. I just sat there and asked her why she called me. I told her that I was going to be just fine, and we would talk about it tomorrow.

She said she was SCARED. Scared that I would hurt her. Scared of whatever - this situation.

I'm just beyond this sh*t right now. I'm done. I'm letting go. She calls me and gives me this - I tried to be supportive and everything but I'm just disconnected right now.

I ended it with telling her we would talk tomorrow, and there were many options on how to deal with this. She's scared of this whole situation.

[Lotus]

OK, you grew a pair since last night. Good. But don't over do it, either. Firm is fine, threatening isn't necessary.

I think the fact that she took the child away without warning is worse than that she had an abortion that you didn't object to.

Your wife just sounds very immature to me. She wasn't ready for marriage and a child so young, and now she is trying to relive what she thinks she missed. Either way, you are better prepared than she is for a divorce. I think a job and a lawyer trumps demanding mediation and running away with the child.

[john28]

So during our phone conversation she says, "Are you recording this?" I laughed, no I said. She said, "I would never record you without telling you, I promise you that so much." I just said, "Ok."

Oh this crap just gets better. She IM'd me as I was checking my email... this is just ridiculous.

W: hi
me: hello.
W: can I tell you one more thing
me: I guess so.
W: nevermoind
me: no, go ahead.
I'm listening electronically.
W:
me: what is it that you wanted to tell me.
W: I'm really sorry for the way all this turned out
I wish I had been stronger
me: how so
W: a better wife
I regret the way I've treated you
I hope one day we will forgive eachother for all the crap we did to eachother
me: W...
W: what
me: I don't know.
W: what
me: No, I really don't know.
I'm just so beyond this right now.
W: k
get some rest
me: I will
W: night
me: we will talk about this tomorrow.
there is still a lot to talk about
but right now, I'm just so tired of this. I'm done.
W: k
night

[FaithnAK]

Dude. Stay strong. Obviously she is torn between right and wrong. Screw mediation, take control and get a L. Seriously, how long can you endure the torment? She is immature about all this [censored]. Take a stand and do right by your son. Otherwise there is no telling how long you will keep facing this crap. DO IT FOR YOUR KID. She pulls this [censored] on you constantly, get a backbone and end it...least you know you did right by your son. Put the test to her for a change.