Another rough night, I am just so surprised at myself for falling apart so completely. We talked just a bit, he said what can I do for you? I looked at him and simply said, be honest.
I would have said, "End your affair, and come back and work on our marriage with me, and don't rip this family apart."
But that's just me.
I'm not sure why you said "be honest," because he finally just HAD. The gorilla in the room is the affair itself now, and either you should go "2a" on him or "2b" (the above suggested response would only be if you're doing "2a" -- if you're "letting him go" you obviously wouldn't say that), but why pussy-foot around the issue?
Look, I know this is extremely difficult, but you've got to maintain a demeanor around him that strikes a balance between "I'm perfectly okay with what you're doing to our family" and "I'm falling apart here!" One that conveys "I do NOT agree with what you're doing, I will NOT live in an open marriage, but after taking the initial blow, I realize that I still love you, but I don't NEED you anymore, and I'll be just fine regardless."
Upbeat, but not "pollyanna."
It's a difficult line to walk, but walk it you must.
I would have said, "End your affair, and come back and work on our marriage with me, and don't rip this family apart."
But that's just me. [/quote]
He asked me so many times, what he can do for me and I did at one point say to stop doing what you are doing, and he said that isn't going to happen. But you are right, I need to be done with the falling apart. I had two nights of it, enough is enough.
Step one is get through this weekend. I have a friend on a business trip and only 5 hours away, I can go there alone, with the kids, or she could come here. What is best for the kids? Being completely removed from thesituation and coming back to find their dad gone (we would have had the talk, but they would just not witness it) or I could go away alone and let H deal with the kids and moving, or the friend can come here. I do know I can't do this alone, but I don't know which option is best.
Help!!!!
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
Well, the friend is coming, I need to learn to accept support.
I called H to tell him and we had an intersting conversation. We are trying to work the logistics of telling the kids and when he is leaving and moving out. He was talking about delaying it (until Wednesday or something, not to see how the R goes), and I said no, do it now and he said, "so you wan't me to leave?" I said, no, I want you to stay and make this M work. I want you to stop seeing her and put this family back together, it will be hard, but nothing worthwhile is easy. That is what I want. But it is not fair to me to live with my husband when he is seeing someone else. He hesitated, which is the first heistation I have heard. But, I didn't LBP it, I didn't hide from what I wanted and I think I let him know I can't be treated so unfairly. He even thanked me for a good conversation.
I think I did good.
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
If that's what was in your heart, then it's always good to convey it. It's authentic.
As for telling the kids, HE'S going to have to own that, you do know that, right? You should be there with him, and answer any questions that your kids have, but HE NEEDS TO DO THE TALKING. And tell him ahead of time, that you're NOT going to put up with any "we" language if he tries to put this off on BOTH of you. Your position towards your kids needs to be "This is what your dad wants. It's not what I want, but I have to respect his choice. We both love you very much, and this is NOT your fault," etc.
What a 24 hours, probably the worst of my life. H came home and we had dinner as a family. The boys went to play video games and we followed to tell them.
H did just about all the talking and even followed the notes my C had given me. The boys were devastaed, S11 just sobbed and sobbed, when H said this isn't about you, it is about me, S13 lashed out, this is about us, this effects our entire life. S11 later told me, "I didn't even see it coming" and poor S13 whispered to me, "Don't worry mom, it can still turn out how we want." Thet remember from last time, when H left and then came back. But last time he didn't have a girlfriend. H also told the boys they were the most important thing in the world to him, but that is such a lie, he is choosing a new person over them and us. I told H this morning that he could still stop this nonsense and choose us over her, I got met with a cold stare. I probably should stop saying things like that, but I can't help it. I'm not begging, just stating things as fact.
Since he cares so much about them and helping them through this, he left at noon today to be with OW. The rejection is overwhelming. I have moments of clarity where I feel strong, but then these horrible moments of weakness where I want my old life back, before OW, the good times when we laughed and enjoyed each other's company.
This is real. He is gone. The exhaustion of knowing the future I had planned is no longer a reality is overwhelming. But I have two boys to take care of and I must be strong. I just have to figure out how to be strong. What I need to do to get through the days without calling him or texting him or emailing him. The 3 must-not-dos. I need to take control and not be reactive to his moves. I guess this is goal setting time.
Dagny
Me 48, H49, M24, S14, S11 DB #1 4/2002-8/2003 Bomb #2 August 2010 & he moved out Living with OW
I probably should stop saying things like that, but I can't help it. I'm not begging, just stating things as fact.
Yes, you should stop saying things like that b/c it makes the OW look better. Why would you keep making her look better than you? If you aren't begging....then it is considered nagging--and that's even worse. I once read that whenever a woman says something more than once to her man that he considers it nagging.
He is never coming back to a situation that is less than what OW offers. Change your focus and make life about you and the kids. Don't contact him unless it is an emergency. He wants to be free of you? Let him go and you move forward with life.
Continue to be fun, young, energetic, sexy, confident, and proud of who you are. People love being with you, so don't go around mourning your H in front of the kids. Always have plans made in advance....especially on weekends & holidays.
Take very good care of yourself. Do something especially nice just for you to give you an extra lift. It's attitude, honey.....all attitude!
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Give your H so much space he chokes on it! I know it's hard and it hurts, but if your H doesn't want to be with you right now, let him go. To h&ll with him and her, let them OD on each other.
Like Puppy says, work on you. Do what makes you feel good about yourself. Be the woman that any man would be crazy to leave.
Next time your H ask what he can do for you say, absolutely nothing as I am no longer your concern. Turn around and walk off.
I'm so sorry Dagny. I know how hard it is, and I know you know you need to do what everyone is telling you but it's hard not to turn to mush and react. Really, really hard. If you feel those moments come here and post right at that moment for support so someone can help you through it. I hope you get some rest tonight. I am thinking of you.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
