I get it bro, you're still head of heels in love with her.
And she knows it.
She doesn't feel that way about you.
And she can't feel that way about you until she FEELS that way about you if you get what I mean and that's only when she experiences that you've finally understood the way she feels. When you finally get how attraction works, when you stop pursuing and allow her to pursue what she's attracted to (be it you or someone else), when you finally let go and move on with your life and stop darkening her doorstep with your omniscient presence (always being there).
Leave her alone, move on with your life, you can be civil, friendly, cordial but you can stop contacting her and let her contact you. If that happens everyday or once a month, that's just how it's going to go.
She has to FEEL you let go. She has to FEEL you move on.
And she can't FEEL any of that when you are always there.
This is priceless! PRICELESS! ROBX aka The Natural
I could not put this book down. This book was the icing on the cake and really hit home as to how I SHOULD have treated myself and my W.
I might get a 2x4, but I don't care. I'm very familiar with all the advice given, lists of DO NOTS, etc. But I apologized to my W for 3 things. It was a sincere apology, formed after reading all 3 books and a theme through out all 3 books that I felt responsible for. All 3 were sent as "No response/approval/or praise needed". I expressed my feelings and now it is up to God to decide how it is received. I'm GAL and I've taken final responsibility in MY actions that contributed to my failures as a husband. It's up to her now to figure out herself and the path of life she chooses to take. Just want her to be happy.
For me, I'm moving forward without looking back and KNOW that I will become a better man because of all that I've faced. Am I giving up on my M? No. However, I can't do one thing to make her change HER mind and I'm not going to try. If it happens, it was meant to be. Knowing that I will be a better person to myself, possibly my W, or any future companion is all I need now. I love my W, I miss her, but I didn't tell her and I'm not going to. SHE KNOWS.
Thank you to everyone's advice and recommendation of those books. It's really great information. Rather than dwell on the Woe Woe is Me, I'm just going to keep working on my life positively.
BUT do you understand the dynamics of the exact thing that turned HER around? Do you know when that moment came? Or do you actually believe it was his "hanging in there and not giving up" was what did it? (you are WRONG if you believe that)
It was when he told her AND showed her that he FINALLY understood that no matter what he did that he now realized that she did NOT want to stay married and would never love him again and that he was going to STOP trying to show her how sorry he was and he was going to stop trying to win her back....(and THEN he followed through on that)
THAT was HER turning point. It was when he told her he was giving up winning her back... She THEN wrote him the letter and then told him she wanted to try..
LOL. I guess I just apologized to myself last night, because I just read "and that he was going to STOP trying to show her how sorry he was". Oh well, I felt this way last night, but I probably shouldn't have said anything at all.
Not a major setback, but it was preventable. Just goes to show any time you THINK it's the right thing to do, better beat your head against the wall and knock the thoughts out of the box.
Sometimes you have "Eureka" moments where you just get it, thanks to someone. Coach, thank you for:
Quote:
I would talk about what's going on in your life - work, family, hobbies, health, spiritual, emotional. What you are learning, doing, thinking, planning and dreaming about. You don't need her to engage to do this. A WAW is dying inside to know these things (intomesee) and it's not pursuing or rewarding CB to talk about yourself. It makes you interesting and attractive because you are a man of action, plans and dreams. It's powerful, try it.
I've been struggling with detaching, GAL, etc. while depriving my wife of what she's been craving. Hopefully this will help a lot.
I really like this post too. I'm adding it to my thread as a reminder. After reading Sandi2's list over and over and over, it clicked today for me as well, that rule #1 is pretty simple in concept.
One of my W's complaints was that I didn't do anything (aka Not GAL = sat on my A$$ and played on comp and drank beer). Well, since I'm working on that GAL now, why not throw pieces of info to her every now and then about what I'm up to. Afterall, I'm not breaking rule #1, makes me look at least a lil more interesting, shows action, and that I'm moving on...right?
Her friend (ours I should say) keeps asking me every damn day if I'm doing okay...and because of her being friends with my W, I just say I'm doing good(which is true!) and change subjects. I'm pretty sure she is relaying this info too...but I don't ask and don't tell.
I'm not ready to implement this yet, but it sure beats sending an apology or a fishing attempt of trying to find an excuse to contact her. Because of the space I have given my W, she has initiated contact, so maybe next time I'll just throw her an update. Afterall, it's not really going to make her stop the divorce, but it might make the "food I'm holding in my hand a little more tempting for the squirrel". Anyone against this line of thinking?
I'm having a rough time today. Gonna add this as another note to self:
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
[quote]Quote: Sandi, What do you mean by 'drop the rope'?
Well I copied & pasted my picture of what dropping the rope would be, but it's JMHO and that's all.
Imagine having a rope in your hand and the other end of that rope was tied around the waist of your W. You do not want her to leave you. You are fighting for your M. So, she is pulling with all her might to get free of you. She wants out of this R! The harder she pulls forward to get away.....the harder you hold back on the rope. You have both of your heels burried into the ground and both hands in a death grip on that rope. Do you have that picture in your mind? Okay, what would happen if suddenly you dropped that rope?
She is pulling so hard with her head looking forward......that when you drop the rope....she will nearly fall over! Suddenly she is free....nothing is holding her back! She stumbles and tries to get her balance. She turns around and looks at you to see why you let go. My question to you is....what will she see?
She does not need to see a man standing there doing nothing but pitifully staring back at her or she'll just walk on. If she sees that man has stopped paying any attention to her and has his mind on something else, then she will be curious to see what got his attention more than she could. She will begin to move in a little be so she can get a closer look. She may start to ask him questions about what he's doing and who he's seeing. She keeps getting a little closer b/c she almost acts as if she's forgotten that she is no longer held by that rope and she can leave. She is free....but she doesn't want to leave now that the man has dropped the rope.
Unfortunatelly, many men do not drop the rope until they are served with D papers, or file themselves. Then they feel that all is lost in saving the M....so they give up. When they give up.....they drop the rope. Sad, huh? Looking for Help knew the concept of dropping the rope, but he didn't do it until the D had been filed. As you read, his W is doing just like I described in the story.....and yet he is puzzled as to why. Why don't people listen?
How would you act if you and your W were not M? I bet you would find a way to move forward with your life. That is how you need to do now....and not do like Looking for Help and wait until the D before you get the picture.
Pretend that you are a single man. Now, tell me how would you act differently? How would you act around your W if you ran into her in a store or at a friend's house?
As one person described it....it is as though you simply don't give a ____ what she does any longer. You aren't a jerk to her but you just don't care.....and she can tell. You treat her no differently than a person who means absolutely nothing to you. Of course, most of the LBH's want to argue that point......but that is the problem, and it shows why he can't drop the rope. _________________________
Hang in there Faith, the weekends are always the toughest for me, especially Fri nite/Sat morn. So much I used to plan on doing as a foursome, now I have to either do solo, as a threesome, or with the W being a sourpuss.
I wouldn't "throw pieces of info to her." It's really pursuing. You should be doing the GAL stuff for you. She'll never really notice the important changes in you while she's in her fog bank.
Hang in there Faith, the weekends are always the toughest for me, especially Fri nite/Sat morn. So much I used to plan on doing as a foursome, now I have to either do solo, as a threesome, or with the W being a sourpuss.
I wouldn't "throw pieces of info to her." It's really pursuing. You should be doing the GAL stuff for you. She'll never really notice the important changes in you while she's in her fog bank.
Thanks PH,
I was horribly depressed yesterday and still having trouble today. Working on GAL, but for some reason I can't shake the "wallowing" and I'm so unmotivated and alone. W went out of town to go camping with friends and I just feel so friggin alone.
I've really wanted to go do somethings like that with her for awhile and before she ended it, that was the stuff she wanted me to go do with her. Just a horrible reminder of the neglect that I caused. It just sucks. I'm just sad at how I was so stupid for the last 3 years in not seeing what I was causing.
I'm having a real hard time being in my house. It's our house. It's really depressing coming home...even on my good days, when I walk in the house it's tough just looking around and realizing everything reminds me of our M.
I know we're going to sell it, but there is so much stuff that needs to be done and I feel like I have to take care of everything while she's out having a good time. She comes over to see the dogs once a week when I'm at my meetings and that's it.
You think it would be a good idea for me to maybe paint it and change it up in here a little? Change it in a way that benefits selling and my dealing with having to live here still?
My W always complained about me not getting off my ass and doing things constructive...would this be a positive 180 for me, my W, and our M? Not doing it because of her, but will it maybe help her view me differently? Would it show that I'm taking responsibility in moving on?
Yep! Paint the entire interior a nice neutral color. One, it'll help it sell faster, and two, it'll be good therapy plus a lot of hard work! Idle hands...
Don't worry what your wife thinks right now. Do what YOU think is right.
When we got rid of our dog, and things were looking like my W might be out of the house in a week or two, I thought about getting a kitten. I've always loved cats, but my wife has always said she hates them. So I got TWO kittens. My daughters love them, and surprisingly, my W seems to really be attached to them. But I got them for ME!
