WAS Script

[AJM]

I get chills reading these quotes. It's as if you've lived the same life and been in the same movie...

In the end, nothing kills romance like acquiesence to their whims and nonsensical crap. They rewrite history to make themselves feel better.

One of my favorites (on top of the ones posted - cause I heard them as well) is the "we'll always be friends" and who could forget "you need to divorce me" or the ever popular "you could do better than me". Yep, oldie but goodies.

Believe me, the one thing you can and should do, is set those boundaries. Demand and get the respect you deserve. For me, that meant first stabilizing the home life for myself and then my kids (place the oxygen mask over your own mouth and then those of the children or infirm next to you). Then it meant extreme patience while I waited. Why wait? Because I never left my home nor my bedroom. I was a doormat, but I knew better than that and still do.

During it all, I never played along. The one time I validated, it became her reason for leaving. Screw that. Doesn't work. A better word for "validation" would be to empathize with your WAS. Validate is too clinical and is not interpreted very well in my opinion.

Grow a pair and set that boundary. Regain your self respect and your self esteem before you do ANYTHING else. That's the start. Forget about her and let her do her. Let her figure her out. You won't be able to. She hasn't. You'll hear all kinds of stories, excuses, blame, etc. Projection? Yep, get some popcorn. You'll see lots of it. It'll confuse you and make you think things are changing. They won't. Rather you are likely seeing the confusion your spouse has. Even my MC mentioned how confusing the explanations were from WAS. Is what it is. Until you can regain your self-esteem though, you are done before you start.
Believe me, I wish it wasn't so. It's painful. It's heartwrenching. It's incredibly painful and may be the end of your marriage - at least as you know it. But that doesn't mean it's the end of you. It doesn't mean it is the end of your marriage to your WAS. If you choose so later. Can't be explained. That won't happen. She'll try to explain in some lame way, but will change her mind later and act as if she never said those things. Neat huh?

So the question is this: Now that you know what is going to be said, done, and then re-done - what are you going to do about you? How are you going to rebuild your self-esteem? Then, how are you going to interact with WAS? How are you going to get your respect back? What happens if she refuses to give you that respect? What's your deal breaker?

What I'm getting at is the blueprint for how to get past this and either save your marriage or choose to let it go. But first you have to let it go. Counterintuitive, but it is how it works. I've seen it on these boards countless times now.

For my money, I'd have kicked her out a year ago, except that I had to stay all in to find out the end of the story. I didn't start it. I didn't ask for it. But I will be respected and I will end it if that's what it takes. Oh, I realize I also didn't end it because she wanted me to end it. I won't be told what to do either - I am NOT A PET ROCK.

You shouldn't be either.

Before it's too late, answer those questions. Please. While it seems counterintuitive, it is the right thing to do. Nobody likes a smothering, crying, begging, hanger-on in a loving way. Nobody.

AJ