I got home last night first. W texted and wanted to meet for dinner. I was a little annoyed that she did not let me know she was going to be late and I was late too - dogs were barely holding themselves.
After awhile I decided to go. She was late meeting me and seemingly tipsy. I decided to start setting my boundaries and not get into any stupid argument.
First thing that happened was that the bartender failed to remove and replace her dirty salad knife. That's something that annoys both of us but in a light of the last outburst she had last week which started with me complaining in her behalf for lousy food, I decided to take a different approach.
She was complaining to me about the dirty knife. I said “Would you like me to bring this to bartender’s attention? Because last time I spoke in your behalf you got really mad at me. Perhaps you can do it yourself instead of talking to me about it.” She said “I got mad at you? Really?”. I was puzzled. Did she have a blackout that night? It’s possible. But I did not answer that.
Instead I called the bartender and said “Could you please bring the lovely lady here a new knife. W said “See, that was a nice way of handling it.” And smiled.
When our entrees arrived I decided to set some boundaries. I politely touched the subject of personal responsibility and that I would appreciate if she would be more consistent of letting me know when she will be late, that I was having a drink with friends earlier and had to cut it short because I did not trust her being home and that I need to gain back that trust.
She was a little annoyed but did not say anything. I pushed a little more. I said “You spend more time in your favorite bar with your friends that you spend with our pets and at your work combined. What is it that keeps you in that bar from early afternoon until midnight at times?” That triggered her. She snapped back at me “Do you really want to go there? It’s none of your business.” I calmly responded “You’re right. You either tell me or not. Nothing more to it.”
She started pouting like a spoiled brat and playing with her food. I let that go for 15 minutes and then said “I can see you are miserable now. You asked me to join you for dinner and expected to enjoy it, but I also had to express my disappointment that you did not keep you promise to communicate with me about the responsibilities we have in our family. I said what I had to and do not expect to have the same conversation again. Now you are pouting and I am not having a good time. I do not want to have a dinner with a person who is miserable and acting like a child. You are more than welcome to leave right now and I will take care of the bill when I’m done”
I turned to the bartender and started chatting with him. There were 2 gorgeous blonds sitting at the other end and looked like a mother and daughter. I said to the bartender “That’s a hell of a mother/daughter combo there.” We laughed and kept chatting.
W was still miserable and playing with her spaghetti but was not leaving. Then she suddenly turned to me and said “You’re right I am miserable.” I replied “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” She said neither yes or no but continued “I am worried about my health and the fact that I may have MS. I am scared.” I said “I am not scared and I know you will be okay. Do you want to talk about it?”
The next hour we talked about her fears and she started relaxing. I told her that we will find the best doctor’s in the country and make sure the diagnosis will be solid before drawing any conclusions and she should not stress herself without knowing any hard facts.
Rest of the evening at home went well. She was relaxed and in a good mood.
This morning she invited her mom over to go shopping together. I have not seen her mom for months. She stopped inviting her over shortly after dropping the bomb. Her mom came and brought her dog to hang out with ours while they’re shopping. We had a brief chat and I told them to have a good time.
So here I am hanging out with 5 dogs and a cat having fun by myself without letting anything bother me. No expectations = no disappointment. Just trying to set some reasonable boundaries carefully and little at the time. I don’t want to trigger her anger. She could never take any criticism even back when things were good. Her easiest response to that right now has always been “If you don’t like what I do then leave.” This was not the response I got yesterday and I think that my new way of communicating is working.
Long ways to go but my patience seems to pay off in small amounts. I am finally managing to get some points across while also showing that I am open to talk and listen and be warm but resolute and firm. All of that without causing a tsunami.
I am beginning to change back to the way I used to be. Whatever the outcome I will keep going because it makes ME feel good about MYSELF.
