Half Way There

[punkin]

Oh God! I can't believe I even said that. How about something simple like "The door is still open to home".

Don't worry. No flying off the handle. I'm waiting 48 hours before doing anything.

[LanceSijan]

My question is your intuition telling you this is the right time to say this. Can you say why it is the right time?

[punkin]

Just to let him know that no matter what, you can go home, and leave it at that. If he responds, postively or negatively, I've still put it out there.

[seeking answers]

Punkin,

I struggle with this too.

The problem I'm dealing with is that obviously H doesn't want to be with me right now. I know that I don't need him to live, I do however, still want him. That is my problem. He knows I'll survive w/o him, but what if part of the reason he continues to be with ow is because he thinks she needs him?

I'm sure your H knows you'll survive w/o him. After all, you've held the fort many times while he's been gone for extended periods of time.

I may be assuming here, but I believe the ow in your case is using your H to try to get something she wants. If she could have gotten it on her own she would have had it by now. What she wants is something your H never had any interest in, right? He may be confusing her using him as being she needs him.

ImLin, was there ever anything that would happen to prompt you to throw those seeds out to your H, or did you just do it at different times to test the waters?

[imLIN]

I did a little of both...sometimes I would just tell him how well I was doing and end it with "that doesn't mean that I wouldn't want you in my life"...then there were the times towards the end where he actually showed interest in what his family was doing, where we were living, etc...and I asked if he ever thought of "us"...

I didn't get a lot of opportunity to see him much because he lived several hours away...didn't answer his phone...wouldn't tell me where he lived...wouldn't respond to emails...

Sometimes it was just the simple conversations where I would mention my accomplishments...now understand, I had never ever lived on my own, went from parents to married, I had never had a job that would have been considered a living wage job...so for me to be able to jump in, get a job, get an apartment, and keep all the bills current when he wasn't giving me anything was HUGE for me...I guess that was my greatest 180

[courageous wife]

I didn't get a lot of opportunity to see him much because he lived several hours away...didn't answer his phone...wouldn't tell me where he lived...wouldn't respond to emails...

Ok...this sounds almost exactly like my H...need to find your story imLIN and read it...

Hi punkin

Have you decided if you will say something to your H?

[punkin]

Yes, after thinking about it most of last night and all day today. Something very simple:

You are still the man I love and want to grow old with. Won't you come home?

Any suggestions? He'll either respond, kick me in the teeth, or ignore me altogether, but at least I put it out there.

[BeingMe]

That statement will be regarded as pursuing wrt DBing, and the "i love you" statement is supposed to be a no-no, but sometimes one has to go with your gut. If your H is in MLC, then it won't matter what you say or do. So, IMHO, if you need to say it, for your sake, then say it. He may laugh at you, or hear something else ... I don't know, MLCers are strange.

Give it 48 hours to think about, and consider if it's worth it or not. If you do go ahead, be prepared to hear a lot of negativity from him. Also, if you do say anything, make sure you mention that it doesn't mean you will do anything stupid for him. You love him, not emotionally enslaved by him.

[Albuquerque]

I like ImLIN's perspective. I see a lot of "rules" on this forum and I agree with having this forum to help each other out. But I strongly believe that there are exceptions to everything. We LBSs know our spouses better than anyone. And even though they've been taken over by aliens, they still hold some of their core deep inside. So what works for one may not work for another. If anyone reads my thread, I've already knowingly broken several CORE rules and it hasn't been a negative (YET). It just felt like it was the right thing for me to do. And I did it NOT to help my husband but to help MYSELF feel like I've done what I needed to do. Punkin, you know your husband best. If you feel he needs to know the door is open, then I would say do it. But don't do it as you suggested which was leaving it in the form of a question. Don't ASK him to come home. Just find a way to subtly let him know its an option and maybe follow it up with some other slightly related topic about you growing or something. That way, it doesn't end up with HIM on the spot but the message is definitely received. Others may have different perspectives but that's how I see it.

[Truegritter]

Pun

I am probably taking the least favored view...

And only you know your H the best.

I see nothing wrong in telling him you are standing for your M.

State it just like that.

You don't want a divorce.

You believe in your convictions regardless of what has happened.

Period.

.

You don't want HIM back.

You want a MARRIAGE back.

That ain't this (<<<<<southern vernacular that I speak)

Your strength is not giving in

Your strength is in what you want and

what you know.

Declare it!

It ain't his decision.

It's YOURS.

Or

It may be truegritter just a sayin'