That's why I signed the Default Decree ... dragging it out and letting it go to trial was sending her into a rage. She's been like a caged animal. It's all been simply unbelievable.
Complete detachment. Dark. I don't even look at her when when we do kid exchange. Still hurts too much to see what I've lost. Communication only through text ... and only when it's about the kids. I know in her eyes she must believe I'm angry and bitter ... but I'm not. I love her, and the only way I can hope to get through this and be a better father and ... who knows ... better friend/companion for her again some day, I've got to succeed in completely letting go.
I know that pain. For me just hearing his voice is like ripping off the scab all over again. I do believe that detachment is the only way to effectively protect oneself, but I don't believe complete detachment is possible, not if you really love/ed someone.
Keep your chin up, CH, your journey is just beginning.
How is it that it's so easy for them? How is it that all the years mean nothing? Do memories ever come back to them? I have so many good memories ... what in the heck happens to them? What snaps?
You don't know that, you are not dealing with someone that is thinking rationally
Originally Posted By: christianhusband
Do memories ever come back to them?
Yes
Originally Posted By: christianhusband
what in the heck happens to them? What snaps?
You have been posting here since March. I assume that you have read some of the resources? There are links on page 2 of your thread.
It is the perfect storm. Hormones, Childhood issues, depression, death, sickness or illness of a person close to them all contribute to the tornado. All these things come together for them to go off the deep end. They have a MLC and up is down, left is right, and the people that are closest to them they push away. Everything is opposite. It makes no sense. But that is the way it works.
It is normal for a MLC. You can try to the battle the storm or you can pull into port and wait for it to go by. We suggest that you do the safe thing and wait for it to go past. That is why we say to detach and GAL.
Thanks, Lance. Detachment is tough ... GAL even tougher. All of my friends are mutual friends w/her and married. And it's tough hanging around married couples. As far as detachment, it's tough to get past the desire to take care of her. For example, she had sprained her wrist several weeks ago. It kills me to not even ask about it ... I want to take care of her ... help her with the things she's limited in doing because of the sprain. But I don't. I bite my lip, pack my kids up in the car, and move on for my time with them.
Detachment doesn't mean you stop being a caring individual. There's nothing wrong with politely inquiring about her wrist. I'd do it to a stranger. It's very easy to become confused about what you should and should not do in detachment. As Lance suggested, keep re-reading the resources. They are a great help.
ME: 54 Him: 51 M: 20 years T: 21 years OW/New wife: 36 Sons & Daughters: 7 (ages 24-36) Bomb: March 4, 2010 He Filed: April 28, 2010 I Contested: May 1, 2010 Standing Down: 11/24/10 Divorced : 05/04/2011
I realize that I have been away for a while. I’ll try and get you caught up and let you all know what I am dealing with now in this stage of my sitch.
What prompted me to write today was events from last night. After checking my voice mail and listening to 18 messages from debt collectors (bk in the proceeding, but it’s not final yet), I was online checking my Facebook. FB in all of its wisdom, prompts you with “People you may know” … and there it was, suggesting my X. Seeing her picture there, smiling with her maiden name, no longer mine, threw me for a loop. Her work email still contains her married name, but seeing her new life, happy and living it up under her old name, hit me hard. This on top of the continued credit calls.
The D was finalized on Sept 29. I really have not spoken a word to her since the beginning of last summer. I handed her the signed “default agreement” papers through the window of my truck and drove off without even looking at her. The decree divided our outrageous debt in half. Given my financial situation (I am starting over), I knew that I would have to file BK. I had consulted my BK attorney as the D proceedings were ongoing, and he advised to wait until the D was final and we would proceed with filing. I, of course, did not communicate this with her. She went through the roof when she found out I was not going to be making payments on the cards and that I was going to be contacting our creditors and informing them of my intentions to file Ch 7 BK. She consulted a family attorney and was told that debt in a D decree is non-dischargeable in BK. She then proceeded to let me know that she was going to sue me in family court to get a judge to compel me to pay. I had already been advised by my BK attorney as to how we can ensure that the BK courts trump the family court. She set a deadline for me to make a payment on one of the cards ready to go into collections, and if I did not make the payment, she was going to proceed with the law suit and take me back into court to get full custody of the kids.
The deadline came and went and she did nothing other than borrow money from a family friend to settle the card. She is using the $300 month payment that she is paying to the family friend as reason for having to move and downsize to a different place—placing the blame on me. She has told me that I am a failure in providing for my family and that my “selfishness” has ruined her financially and her career. (Funny thing, though, at one point she was planning on filing BK but learned that she only qualifies for Ch 13. Because I can qualify for full protection under 7 and she cannot, this angers her more).
So here I am. Our only communication is through text and email. I arrange pickups and drop offs from school so that I do not have to see her; sports events we are on separate sides of the field or court. I love coaching and spending time with my kids at sports, but regret every game when I will have to see her or be around her. It’s not anger or non-forgiveness on my part. It’s simple hurt and helplessness. If I was providing and able to pay my bills, maybe our relationship would be different; maybe she woldn’t have so much disrespect for me. I have always provided and have taken care of my family. Thought the bk proceedings, I had to go back to previous tax returns and was struck by the income that I used to produce … and the life-style that I provided for my family. Now I am bk and in a one-bedroom apartment where my kids sleep on day-beds and trundles in the dining room. Funny how she left within about a year after my business collapsed.
I’m not saying this out of feeling sorry for myself. Just putting it out there to share. I know God is a God of restoration. I still love her and read about reconciliation after D but see no way it can happen … not with the hurt that keeps me from even being her friend right now and the huge financial mountain that I need to climb. I may be able to start over financially, but she is stuck with the marital debt if she cannot BK. I don’t see her ever forgiving me for that—even though the reason for the financial situation is from breaking up the home in a D that I fought with all my might to prevent. It’s strange as to how normal this all seems to her. Families break up, couples take care of the divided debt, the kids are happy with two homes, and life goes on. Consequences are the other person’s fault for not following suit with their plan. Anyway, that’s where we are today. Sorry to vent so much, and I apologize if I sound like I am rambling. It’s been a while since I’ve been here, and lot has transpired. I have no other relationships going on right now. A few dates here and there, but no interest in anything but developing new friends for now.
