Yep...best thing is to save emails to a web-based email...if you don't have one you can create a free one on yahoo or hotmail...
Make sure not to leave anything in SPAM too long as they are usually auto-deleted every so often...
See my H never threatened...he just vanished and left me hanging with the bills! So at least you have a heads up...maybe discuss with L what your plan will be if he does stop paying the bills before your court date.
Well, it's 9:20 a.m, the start of another long, gruesome weekend. Not to sound depressing, but I had a terrible night. Kept having bad dreams, waking up, hot flashes. The whole nine yards.
H cut me off the insurance, attempted to cut off the water, and threatened to cut off the electric. In mulling all this over during the long night, it occurred to me how many times he has said he wants to get on with his life like I have mine.
What would happen if I just said 'Come Home' ? At least planted the seed that he could come home, that there was a way to come home? Mind you, I haven't once said or acted as if there was any way he ever could come home. In fact, after outed by the OW, said "Not that I'd want your a$$ back"
Punkin, I feel that your H has been trying is assert his control of the situation (and you) by his recent actions. He says he wants to get on with his life, and whether or not this is true, you should let him have ownership of his words. He wants to 'get on with his life' so let him go. Let him experience exactly what he says he wants.......
If you suggest that he comes home you have enabled his behaviour....he sees that you will tolerate his poor behaviour. This is not the relationship you want. You deserve so much more.
My db coach told me, ages ago that H was in a fog and I was the lighthouse. There was no need for me to chase H into the fog. I needed to be the one to shine. My actions towards H would show him he was safe with me and help him on the path back but at his pace.
I know you just want the pain over but having H back in these circumstances unfortunately won't have the peaceful resolution you desire.
IMHO is that you can "pave" the way home and become the better option for him. You can not say something that will change his mind. "Actions not words" just like we say believe none of what he says and 50% of what he does. He will turn that last saying around to judge YOU. He would need to see consistent action on your part. In order for him to change his mind. That is why we say you must work on yourself.
You did not cause his MLC nor can you fix it. However the MLC'er is a truth meter. If he says something and it stings. It is something that you must work on.
I am of the side that believes you best know when there is the opportunity to plant the seed...if you do it in a way that doesn't sound "beggy, needy" and don't give a reaction (be prepared) to his answer...if yes, don't go all gaga...if no, don't start sobbing...which can be really hard!...then no harm, no foul...my opinion
I let H know that I by no means "needed" him...my suggestion was purely out of love for him and my family...but if he didn't want that...oh well...I had a job, a home, and a life...I could find another H if I "wanted" one but he better be D@#$ sure because once that happened there was no turning back...
I know my H would have not asked to come home...the gesture would have to be mine and with some convincing if he showed interest (remember he didn't feel worthy of forgivness at that point)...
H didn't return on the first gesture or the second, third...but eventually when I tossed out there, "Do you ever think about 'us'?" he said, "Yes, sometimes." That was the first window of opportunity I saw...that began a more positive exchange for us...not fast moving by any means...and not always forward...not always without doubt or questioning myself if I had done the right thing or if it was too soon...
Only you know how to handle this...if you feel your H needs to know there is an open door...then you prepare yourself to tell him...if you think he knows...then you just go on with your work...
Even if there is an open door you both need to work seperately as you know, before you work together...
You have until Nov...I waited (the first time) until 3 days before our D was to be final to tell H I wasn't sure...he agreed to let it be dismissed...the second time I know we got close again but I kept going and having it extended...after the second extension I had to go before the judge and H went with me...to explain we needed more time...I now hold record for the most extensions on a D hearing!...I extended for 2 yrs!!!...it was only a little over 2 yrs ago that I dismissed it!
Others camp is...let him make the first move...let him believe he will lose you forever...
My opinion is this...some men(possibly more related to their upbringing and if they were abused as children or not) can't bring themselves to ask for what they want...and then there are those who can...if you have a man that has trouble expressing his needs (without the assistance of alcohol) even if when he walked out the door he seemed to express them very well but he is the type that because of a false sense of pride can't admit his failures or errors...I believe they can't ask to come home...they need to have the "open" sign flashed once in a while...but in a way that is neutral...like, "I don't need you...but if you want to come home I am agreeable to work on that" sort of thing...without drama or emotion either way...
It is toughie...knowing the right time...but my feeling is this...if it isn't that doesn't mean it won't ever be...
A thought: He might be doing this to get you to say something too...to push you financially so you will call "uncle" and tell him that you two can work together and rebuild...like the child that is selfish with all the toys but really wants someone to play with him...
Only you know...and only you have to live with it!
Sorry I could not give you the cut and dry answer...but there just isn't one
Thank you Lance, but the only communication between us has been when he was demanding I sign that legal document. Nothing else. Nothing about me other than I was getting on with my life, why can't he? He is 80 miles away and we do not see each other. He has no way of 'seeing' any change on my part. All we have is words, and I realized I have never expressed to him that I still love him and would like to work this out. Never. He didn't give me the chance.
Thank you imLin, That is very insightful. I just feel like I've been so busy trying to convince him that I can get on without him, which I can, by the way, that I haven't let him know that I want him in my life. Warts and all.
I'm not saying I wouldn't want him to continue therapy and would wish he could ditch the alcohol.
I have told him a thousand times in the past that I wasn't here because I required his support, but wanted his love. Nothing since this all started.
I don't think the two camps are that much different. The way Imlin described this is very wise! You DO need to pave the way for him to be able to come back. It is how you do it that is key. Imlin's husband was the vanishing type and she handled it extremely well. Not being needy, or pushing, controlling. But she also paved the way for his return. Once the door is shut, it is extremely hard to open it back up.
You must remember that you are dealing with a child. An adult person, who is acting like a child.
Trust your intuition. When the time is right you can give a nudge in the right direction.
