Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[Lotus]

Yes, you picked the wrong time. Tonight is over. It's 2 in the morning. Let it go. For whatever reason, she wants out. You will need to explore that, but now is not the time. Repairing a marriage is not a do-it-yourself project. You need to stop trying to fix it.

Tomorrow is Saturday. You are not likely to be able to talk to a mediator or a lawyer tomorrow. So this will have to wait until Monday. If she wants to move out, let her go, but make sure that she respects your right to spend time with your son. She will have to figure out how and when you will see him before she goes. And that should be worked out in an agreement. Whatever you agree to for the separation is likely to stay the agreement in case of divorce. So don't agree to anything lightly! It is the weekend. Do not let her push you for decisions when you can't get counsel.

[john28]

Yes, you picked the wrong time. Tonight is over. It's 2 in the morning. Let it go. For whatever reason, she wants out. You will need to explore that, but now is not the time. Repairing a marriage is not a do-it-yourself project. You need to stop trying to fix it.

Tomorrow is Saturday. You are not likely to be able to talk to a mediator or a lawyer tomorrow. So this will have to wait until Monday. If she wants to move out, let her go, but make sure that she respects your right to spend time with your son. She will have to figure out how and when you will see him before she goes. And that should be worked out in an agreement. Whatever you agree to for the separation is likely to stay the agreement in case of divorce. So don't agree to anything lightly! It is the weekend. Do not let her push you for decisions when you can't get counsel.

I am fairly certain she will want a legal S before she moves out with all the custody/money stuff worked out. She said that in the past - and I think that's what she wantns to do by going to see a mediator. Frankly I'm pretty sure that if I put up a fight in mediation for 50/50 or anything that she will go get a L right away.


I'll do my best to steer clear of concrete decisions this weekend. Boy is this weekend going to suck.

[john28]

Still awake here - thinking about a few things.

I plan on going out tomorrow night, not sure what I'm going to do, but I'm going.

Clearly I need to drop the rope, clearly. Clearly while she is here for the next few days I need to create mystery to the extreme, am I right? Should I change all my passwords for all my email/fb/youtube whatever? If she asks, should my response be,

"I'm sorry, but even though I would prefer to work on our M, you've made your decision not to work on it anymore. I've accepted that and I'm moving forward with my life."

?????

[pinhead]

Sad to see the Pinhead Strategy fail yet another valiant general...Probably time for the Gucci Maneuver?

Hang in there John, you'll be ok.

[pinhead]

John,

Don't do anything weird like the passwords, or being "too mysterious." She's going to see through all of your reactions; she's watching and expecting them. Just be as normal as possible right now, but go out with a buddy or see a movie. Don't hang around her. Your judgement is really impaired right now (understandably).

[john28]

Thanks PH. I won't do anything too mysterious. But should I tell her where I am going?

This just doesn't make sense at all. I start to really detach, give her space, not puruse, and then WHAMMO she hits me with "I've decided I want to move out and not try anymore."

What the heck is that? What do I do now? Do I keep detaching? Or do I 180 again and put on a happy face?

[john28]

Oh man - my heart is crushing.

I'm up this morning with my S4. W is still asleep in "her room".

I just looked at my son, the gravity of this situation hit me, and I burst into tears right there in front of him. I'm going to miss him so much. I was in absolute tears and my son, who is just 4 years old, came and sat next to me and gave me a hug. He then grabbed my hand, and said to me:

"Daddy, I love you. Take a deep breath. Breathe in.... Breathe out..."

That's what I tell him when he is upset.

My heart is melting with pain and love at the same time.

[TimeHeals]

My heart is melting with pain and love at the same time

.

The sooner you accept it--regardless if you two part or reconcile--the better. You are still resisting it.

Your wife isn't in love with you. That's all this is. Your life will go on, and you will be happy no matter what happens.

I know these words sound hollow, but by fighting it you are your own worst enemy at this point. Take it from somebody whose ego would not let him really believe that his wife just did not love him anymore and that she was convinced that maybe she never did. Struggling against that, not accepting that hardened her resolve if it did anything.

The way this works, if there is an affair, then you bust that affair if possible because it is the right thing to do, but then you still have to let go. If there is any chance at all for a possible reconcilliation in your future--and it's iffy--you have to accept that she doesn't love you, and then be honest with yourself: you will never be happy being married to somebody who does not love you, so let go.

[Coach]

John, I understand you are hurting, you just got bombed again. This time your reaction needs to be different. First thing to do is take care of yourself - eat, hydrate, go for a walk, play with your son (what he said was priceless BTW) and no R talks. Next order of business is interview some Ls to find out the legal side of this and get some advice on that front. Ask about money, custody, her behavior and what pitfalls to avoid. The way to get your heart to slow down is to have a plan. Focus on what you control - thoughts, feelings and your actions.

You can handle it. Strength and Honor

Coach

[john28]

Thanks Coach. I will try to keep my head up this weekend.

I don't know what feels worse, getting bombed the first time on Father's Day andn then realizing that we could maybe work on this M, or getting bombed last night knowing now there isn't an ounce of work left that she is willing to do.