Thanks Barb! It sure is a roller coaster ride even three years later. I've spent a lot of time NOT grieving, pushing myself forward...no feeling sorry for myself, not me! I wanted this separation to be as healthy as it could be for me and my family. I didn't want to hate my wife and I don't. What she did she did for her own reasons and I'll have to let God judge those reasons. I just sometimes feel lonely but don't feel ready to be with someone else. I need people but am afraid to trust them. I've been active, met people who seem to genuinely like me but in my head I think "what happens if they get to know me and reject me like my wife did" So, I protect myself somewhat. I don't push forward in deepening friendships. I don't believe people will understand my struggles. Strangely, this reminds me of my military experiences. In Canada being in the army was not and still is not a common experience, unlike the U.S.. If you were in the military you kept it to yourself because it was kind of a dirty little secret. But, the experiences you have in the military change you but no one outside of that experience can really understand it. For example, at work once my co-workers wanted to go play paintball and I declined "C'mon Whatis, it'll be fun". The difference being that I was trained to point weapons at other human beings and pull the trigger to kill them, not to have fun. So, for me to point a weapon at a friend is unthinkable, in fact, the thought made my stomach clench. Yet to them "hey, it'll be fun"! No it won't be and you'll never understand why! If I point a weapon at you I'll be wanting you to kill you...that's not fun, that's frightening. I think the separation/divorce experience is similar, people who haven't been through it just can't fathom the depths of that pain. Anyway, enough babbling I've got a football game to watch.
I think the separation/divorce experience is similar, people who haven't been through it just can't fathom the depths of that pain. Anyway, enough babbling I've got a football game to watch.
Nobody can understand the depths of my pain watching this football game either unless they're watching it too. Boring!
Did the game get better? I chose to watch Dateline. It seems to get better every week. Josh & I usually watch it together at the cottage.
6 months after my mother died of cancer my family was invited to attend a memorial service at church dedicated to those who had passed in the previous year and their family. The pastor spoke long about grief. The words really stuck with me.
"Grief is not something you put away in a drawer. You have to take it out, try it on, you have to FEEL it. Because if you keep it shut in the drawer, you won't get past it". So I learned to feel my pain over my Mom's loss. I cried. Just as I did when my marriage ended. Just as I did when my little boy nearly died. I let it out. I felt it.
Wii, I think you have always felt that you and your wife would stick together in one way or another. Just as my daughter does with her ex boyfriend. THey still hang out together. They still go out together. I think she secretly harbours hope that they'll get back together. And unfortunately, this hope keeps her from moving forward. And she is still sad. And she is still stuck.
Maybe you need to be honest with yourself about your relationship with your wife. It is certainly not a bad thing that you both can be civil to each other and co-parent in harmony. More than most of us could imagine. But maybe it makes it so much harder for you to let go.
Grieve, Wii. Please grieve for all that you have lost. Let go of the relationship you once had with your wife and it will be very freeing for you.
I can relate to what your C was saying. My C and I have worked very hard in the area of "red flags" when new people come in my life. I'm not just talking about a new romantic R but really anybody that is "new" in my life post divorce. Logically I know if I am always looking for "red flags" I am probably missing out on the good side of somebody new but it's not always easy to put that logic into play.
It's like saying... gee, you are a nice person and I find you interesting and kind but you can't be my friend because you have a cat and I don't like cats. The cat must be a red flag. It's the truest form of self insulation and one that is very challenging to overcome.
I can't say how to do it exactly because I am still figuring it out myself. I guess the fact that we realize this "flaw" means we are farther along than we think.
Best wishes to your dad!
Thanks for your thoughts CG! My red flags are when people let me down, even slightly. For example, if I email a Pastor and they don't respond. If someone says they'll bring something for me and forget and don't even remember that they forgot, if someone asks how I am but doesn't seem to listen to the reply even though they usually do...you get the idea. I'm hyper vigilant to anything that smacks of "rejection" or "betrayal". The reality is that people aren't perfect either, they have their lives and responsibilities and you aren't always a priority. That's life. I think that when you live alone and don't have that anchor R to fall back on you are more aware of others responses to you...and, oh yeah, when you've been rejected and betrayed by the love of your life after 17 years, that might have an effect too!
It is certainly not a bad thing that you both can be civil to each other and co-parent in harmony. More than most of us could imagine. But maybe it makes it so much harder for you to let go.
Barb, if being civil and co-parenting in harmony makes it harder for me to let go, then so be it. My kids deserve parents who get along as best they can. Hey, maybe we're co-dependent. I just know that she's the mother of my children and will always have my respect and love for that. Do I see her as someone who will give me what I need and deserve? NO. She's got her issues which she's not willing to deal with and that's up to her. I'm just trying to figure out where I go from here with my life, shrink says it's natural for me to be feeling anxious about that at 52 years of age and starting all over. Anyway, thanks for your thoughts, suggestions and sharing. As always I really do appreciate your caring...and btw, my team lost! I should also mention that I have discussed my R with wife with a therapist and a psychologist in the past year and neither thought that the R was an issue. The therapist said it was a bit odd but saw no problems with it as long as we were keeping it to family outings and occasions like that. Wife and I do NOT go out together otherwise.
So - is it going to rain??? I sure hope not - today I have 50 people coming for the Family Reunion in my backyard that somehow ends up being inside due to the weather. Always seems to start the minute we put the food out.
Anyway, I was not being critical of your R with your ex. Most of us here are probably envious of the fact you have managed somehow to keep things good between you. If only my ex could or would co-parent. No - when he left he wanted to be a free bird - no responsibilities - just have the fun relationship with the kids. But he even fails at that because he never puts them first. They are not invited to his home (they would not go because of maggot) or on vacation (he won't go without maggot). So my ex and my children are all losers in this deal. Everyone lost!
The worst is that he left me holding the bag with Ryan. He knows nothing of his medical care. Is not even informed when he is in hospital. He COMPLICATES things - he criticizes how I handle things yet does not one single thing to make my life easier.
Your children reap the benefit of the full involvement of both parents and unconditional love. Although none of us ever wanted to raise our children this way - both you and your wife deserve credit for putting the kids first.
No, I just meant that it is harder sometimes to move forward this way. Not that in any way it is wrong.
Sorry if that late night post seemed a little touchy! I guess in my mind I have put some distance between wife and I and others don't seem to notice. I declined the week at the cottage with her and the kids, I declined an out of town overnight trip she wanted to take, I never call her just to chat or share my problems and she does not call me for that. In fact, when she went away this week she did not ask me to do anything to care for the house etc, she took care of it herself (although I did usually find a reason to drive by every night just to check, but that's me and I live two blocks away). I contact her if there is something pertinent to do with the kids or family info I think she should know e.g. when my Dad was sick. I did not ask her to attend the family picnic, which was a first time going without her. Any outing that we go on as a family is at her suggestion (except Mother's Day and her birthday), not mine. In fact, I do feel estranged from her in many ways and I could feed that need for companionship by contacting her, dropping over (she's told me "you are always welcome in this house", but I don't take advantage of it) etc but I know that is not healthy for me, her or the kids so I take where I am right now and deal with it. Anyway, it does look cloudy here and they call for rain but I'm a few hours from you. I hope your family re-union goes better than mine did a few weeks ago (D13 passed out, if you recall!). Oh and my team is the AAAAARGOOOOOS!
I'm just trying to figure out where I go from here with my life, shrink says it's natural for me to be feeling anxious about that at 52 years of age and starting all over.
Boy, I can relate...
I correct myself at times when I get anxious and think about starting over. I'm starting a new chapter, an adventure. Works most of the time. Peace,
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
It is not supposed to rain here but its not looking good at the moment. Josh is on his way from Toronto and I told him to leave the rain there.
I figured it was Argos. I'm still a Bills fan. Live closer & all.
Some exes try to keep a finger in both pies. The new life they're building and also keep a hold on their ex. Your wife still knows she has a bit of a hold on you. I honestly think she is afraid of losing that but that's just my opinion. Obviously, none of us is there or knows all the details that make up the big picture.
Years after my husband left I still liked to know what was going on over there. Drove by on occasion. Listened to what the kids told me. I am so glad to finally be free of caring what he does unless he does something that hurts them. Other than that - he could jump off a cliff and I doubt I'd care other than the fact my kids would be upset. But it has been 9 years for me with MUCH bad stuff from him - so there ya go.
I'm starting a new chapter, an adventure. Works most of the time.
I had those same thoughts, those same feelings, and I was telling myself the same thing until only a couple of days ago.
As I sat on my patio, I watched my two dogs "playing". They are shar-peis so "playing" resembles a dog fight minus the blood and chunks of fur flying.
And then it hit me. Ummm... I am just living my life. What I do in the next minute, hour, day or week isn't really of any monumental, life-changing consequence. I doubt anybody will want to write books about it.
Sure it's good to set goals, keep fit, stay rested, and make plans and enjoy life. Isn't that what everybody who isn't helplessly dysfunctional is doing anyway?
There is nothing that makes this moment in my life "more special" or signifant than any other time in my life. Imagining life having a ticking clock counting down the seconds of my life and driving a sense of urgency wasn't a good way to live my own life.
So I am getting divorced. So what? A woman I thought I loved and who I thought loved me didn't love me anymore. Big deal.
And then I continued to sit there watching the dogs while I finished my morning coffee.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/21/1002:06 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
