She seems like she wants to rush all of this right now. She told me she wanted me to think about mediation tommorrow and give me an answer.
So, tomorrow you research mediation and then you tell her that you have looked into it and you will consider it. But....it's not just the two of you in the marriage. You have a child. And your child deserves for the two of you to make every effort to keep the family together for him. So, before you hastily tear apart the family, you think the two of you should go to a Retrouvaille weekend. You are not asking her to do it for you. You are asking her to do it for her son (or daughter). One weekend is not too much to ask for his parents to make the effort to keep the family together.
She seems like she wants to rush all of this right now. She told me she wanted me to think about mediation tommorrow and give me an answer.
So, tomorrow you research mediation and then you tell her that you have looked into it and you will consider it. But....it's not just the two of you in the marriage. You have a child. And your child deserves for the two of you to make every effort to keep the family together for him. So, before you hastily tear apart the family, you think the two of you should go to a Retrouvaille weekend. You are not asking her to do it for you. You are asking her to do it for her son (or daughter). One weekend is not too much to ask for his parents to make the effort to keep the family together.
I'm hoping that will work, but I've played that card before. She thinks I'm manipulating her by saying "it's for our son".
But, i do remember her saying that she would continue to go to counseling after she moved out.....
It seems like I'm letting my life's deck of cards all ride on one MC session and a Retrouvaille weekend.
God help me.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
OK, NC is good. You can go along with beginning the separation if she will go to Retrouvaille and do it in good faith. The good faith part is important. She will have to participate willingly in answering the questions they ask. It's not verbal. It's all written. They ask questions that you have to think about and answer honestly. Then you exchange notebooks and talk about each others' answers. There are no marriage counselors. No one arbitrates between the two of you. You discuss what you have written in private. It works. But if one spouse will not answer the questions honestly, then it doesn't work.
Yes, you are putting all your hopes on these things. But they can succeed. My husband was ready to leave me when we walked in the door at Retrouvaille. We were not committed to doing the whole program. We both said "just the weekend, then we will see about doing the rest". When the weekend was over, we were hooked. We couldn't wait for the post sessions.
You will be alright. Let her move out if that's what she really wants. She will see that your son misses you. She's not the only parent. Sometimes a little distance does help the heart to grow fonder.
Should I suggest that she stay until the Retrou weekend until Sept 10th? Or just go ahead and have her move out? I have no idea.
See, I know my W. If she moves out, she is gone forever. She doesn't like to deal with heavy issues and when she leaves she won't have to. Our M will be out of sight out of mind.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You know your wife, I don't. So I can't advise you there. And she may not think of you, but your son will. And you may have to demand your right to see your son 50% of the time. So getting that through a mediator before she moves out might be worthwhile.
That's the problem with divorce when you have kids. You really can't ever be rid of the spouse. She will have to see you whether she likes it or not.
Is she having an affair? The Retrouvaille people will ask both of you that question before they take the registration.
She has said in the past that she wants to remain the primary caregiver. Right after bomb date we talked about custody and it looked like I would have S4 about 35% of the time.
I think throwing 50% of the time in there would be a huge curveball. I'm willing to do it though, but I'm pretty sure if I do that she'll not agree and want to seek a L out.
I'm just afraid that since she is a SAHM that I'll get screwed to being a every other weekend dad unless I work with her. That just SUCKS>
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You have a YEAR to worry about these things. And if the Retrouvaille and/or the MC works, then all that may just go away. So don't think about it now. You will need to talk to someone about what to expect if you get divorced, and make sure that she knows that she is not going to take advantage of you. Fair means fair to both people. I don't think this is the first divorce in the state of NC, so they have things pretty worked out before you ever put yourselves into the system.
