You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Sent STBXW an email with the name and phone number of who I called. So she can run with it there.

I think I know why I'm a mess today. I will be having a very fun weekend. But this is the weekend of the county fair. Last year I had the girls on the Sunday of the fair -- I didn't go. Not really my crowd.

As I was leaving with the girls, STBXW asked if I was going to the fair. I said no. I wondered why.

A couple of days later the person I had lived with for a couple of months called me up. By chance, he was at the fair and saw STBXW there getting on the back of some guy's motorcycle.

That was the first time an OM even entered my thought process. I thought it was just depression issues. I weakly confronted her on it a couple of nights later on the phone and she said he was just a friend.

Of course, now she just got back from the week-long Harley Davidson trip where "friends" taught her how to ride a motorcycle.

So even though I expect to have a GREAT weekend -- I can't get STBXW and another fair trip out of my head.

This is a longtime weakness of mine. Not only do I have to be happy -- the people that wronged me have to be miserable.

Forgiveness???? I have a long way to go.

[whatisis]

CTH, I think what you're feeling is pretty normal. Allow yourself to feel it but don't let it take over. Grief is what it is and it takes a long time to work it's way out. You're doing well, it just takes time.

[CityGirl]

I think it really brings us to a new level when we understand happiness. I can't say when you will reach that level but when you do, you will care less if your W is happy or miserable. I bet if you asked your W she would say you wronged her terribly. So who is more right by being wronged? Does it matter?

I do believe once you start to detach (even just a tiny, tiny bit) some of your thinking will really shift.

You will never again in your life had another weekend dated Aug. 20-22, 2010 with your children. Ever. So, you can allow negative thoughts for even ONE minute to tarnish the weekend or just let things "be".

What does detachment look like to you? I realize detaching is not something any of us can do on command but IMO you have to start somewhere. Where would your somewhere be?

[ClingingToHope]

I pulled out the diary from last summer. On Aug. 20 something happened, for some reason I don't write why, but I changed up my entire schedule to bail STBXW out of some scheduling conflict.

"Adjusted everything for a person who says she doesn't love me. A person who treats each kind act as further proof that I can't get over her."

"I am so caught in neverland" I wrote. At least that part is ending. It'll be a while still though. A letter from my L was waiting for me in the mailbox. A conference is set for Oct. 19, which my L hopes will just be a formality to finalize things. Another two months?

Yes, CG, this is the only Aug. 20-22 weekend I'll have and it's the end of the only summer I'll have with them as 8 and 11 year olds. It's been -- all things considered -- a good summer.

I will be interested to hear about D8 and D11's thoughts on it years from now. I've done the best I've can.

What does detachment look like to me? I read somewhere true detachment is when I not only no longer wish her to suffer, I actually wish her to do well.

That's going to be a long time. Right now, I wish for detachment to be me not getting so worked up every weekend.

[CityGirl]

Okay, well, think about what you just shared.

You made the CHOICE to adjust everything on the weekend of Aug. 20, 2009 for somebody you knew had very little interest in being in the marriage. Yet somehow you are angry at her about the choice you made? You can hold on to that anger OR examine yourself. Why do you keep making the choice to do things for somebody that has no desire to be with you? In a way it almost sounds like a control thing or perhaps more about ego. It also seems like you keep having expectations (ex: your W turning a corner after a car ride with the MOH). So really, eliminate expectations and make different choices. Easier said than done of course but it really *does* all come back to you.

Your W is selfish. ALL WAS are selfish. ALL WAS know that their LBS will bend over backwards to do things for them. They will take, take and take some more and when their servant finally says no more they will find a way to guilt you into remaining their servant.

What gets you so worked up every weekend? The fact that you have no control over what your W does? The idea of a very bruised ego because she doesn't want you? I'm really just trying to understand!

[ClingingToHope]

I've always been an optimist. In fact, for a long time I counseled D11 she needed to be more of an optimist.

If I keep working. If I keep doing the right things -- in the end I'll get what I want. Things have always kind of worked out for me -- and now they aren't and I have absolutely no control.

Weekends are the bane of my existence. When I first moved out I'd get worked up the weekends I didn't work because I was desperate to find things to do. I was terrified of just staring at the walls.

I still struggle with that fear although I haven't had a weekend night with nothing to do in months. Between work, church, friends and the social network I've rebuilt, I've always had something to do.

What's really surprised me is how much I struggle the weekends I have the girls. What is STBXW doing and with whom. The rejection/abandonment pain at times still feels a little overwhelming.

Part of it is stupid competitiveness. She rejected me and I HAVE to end up with a better life. That's stupid and yet another thing I have to work on.

Does that explain things better. Now that school is back in session I may call and get more EAP counseling sessions. Tonight I have church and that usually helps bring me back around.

[CityGirl]

Well, did you ever stop and think that maybe you have to adjust in your own mind (when you are ready) what the "right things" are?

I understand your life is VERY different than what you thought. All of us are here for that very reason. As an outsider though you very much seem to thrive when you "counsel" others yet you don't give yourself the same attention.

You are important to people even if you are not helping them or giving them advice. You seemed SO happy y'day when you told your friend what career path to take (nutrition?) and she listened. Why not just be happy that your friend trusted you enough to TALK to you about her ideas and thoughts about a career? IMO that all comes back to the control issue and I kind of gather when you feel like you are in control by "counseling" people you feel needed and that is what you like.

GAL is VERY important at first but sometimes we GAL too much and force ourselves to keep so busy with "stuff" that we don't put in the time and effort that is necessary to really examine and alter our "old ways".

The need to "compete" for a better life sort of ties back to your control and ego issues. Who is to say what a better life is?

As an observation it seems you like to give out counsel but you really put forward a different vibe when somebody challenges you.

But I do think you are being very honest with yourself when you say the bottom line is you have great pain from being rejected. Work on THAT (not easy, I know!) and perhaps the need to compete, know your W is miserable and counsel so much will kind of become less necessary to you.

[whatisis]

OK, how to deal with the control issue. I say you control everyone you possibly can until you wear yourself out. It's like smoking until you make yourself sick. Find new ways to control people you never even dreamed of controlling before. Wait for the Mailman each day and start telling him how to sort his mail. Start telling the clerk at the grocery store how to correctly pack groceries. Advise the cop how to write your traffic ticket appropriately. Tell your Pastor what the Bible really says! The possibilities are endless. No need to thank me, I'm just trying to control your controlling behaviour.

[whatisis]

OK, how to deal with the control issue. I say you control everyone you possibly can until you wear yourself out. It's like smoking until you make yourself sick. Find new ways to control people you never even dreamed of controlling before. Wait for the Mailman each day and start telling him how to sort his mail. Start telling the clerk at the grocery store how to correctly pack groceries. Advise the cop how to write your traffic ticket appropriately. Tell your Pastor what the Bible really says! The possibilities are endless. No need to thank me, I'm just trying to control your controlling behaviour.

Btw, CG had some good points too!

[ClingingToHope]

Two hour trip last night with girls to play in a softball tournament. Got a deal on the room, $35 a night so we could go last night instead of this morning.

Well, we went 0-2 and were back to the hotel at 1:30 p.m. with nothing on the agenda for the rest of the day.

Sorry, more thoughts on STBXW. She never came to any of my tournaments. But in all fairness. I didn't ask. I assumed she wouldn't want to so I didn't ask. I said I didn't care either way.

Truthfully, I didn't. It's no fun watching tournaments so I assumed she didn't want to come. But it was really nice having the girls along today and I would have liked STBXW to come.

Anyway, we went swimming for a bit. They've been watching TV. We're doing nothing but killing time. Tomorrow, we'll hit a water park on the way home and see a movie to end the summer in high style.