Thanks Barb! It sure is a roller coaster ride even three years later. I've spent a lot of time NOT grieving, pushing myself forward...no feeling sorry for myself, not me! I wanted this separation to be as healthy as it could be for me and my family. I didn't want to hate my wife and I don't. What she did she did for her own reasons and I'll have to let God judge those reasons. I just sometimes feel lonely but don't feel ready to be with someone else. I need people but am afraid to trust them. I've been active, met people who seem to genuinely like me but in my head I think "what happens if they get to know me and reject me like my wife did" So, I protect myself somewhat. I don't push forward in deepening friendships. I don't believe people will understand my struggles. Strangely, this reminds me of my military experiences. In Canada being in the army was not and still is not a common experience, unlike the U.S.. If you were in the military you kept it to yourself because it was kind of a dirty little secret. But, the experiences you have in the military change you but no one outside of that experience can really understand it. For example, at work once my co-workers wanted to go play paintball and I declined "C'mon Whatis, it'll be fun". The difference being that I was trained to point weapons at other human beings and pull the trigger to kill them, not to have fun. So, for me to point a weapon at a friend is unthinkable, in fact, the thought made my stomach clench. Yet to them "hey, it'll be fun"! No it won't be and you'll never understand why! If I point a weapon at you I'll be wanting you to kill you...that's not fun, that's frightening. I think the separation/divorce experience is similar, people who haven't been through it just can't fathom the depths of that pain. Anyway, enough babbling I've got a football game to watch.
