My New LBS Reality

[imLIN]

Feelings can bounce all over the map...I know mine did...how do you think I got to the point of filing for D twice!...Yep, reactions to my feelings...REALLY believing I was D-O-N-E...only to find a little peace and calm then suddenly realize that I was NOT DONE...more to the point "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" would pop up...

I dealt with guilt much the same way...I would be so convinced that I was over it...get to a place of peace and calm...then wham! I would think of something and the guilt wouldl wash right back over me like high tide during a full-moon...

So don't think for a moment that you somehow are not moving forward...just because you have feelings and doubt and anger and confusion and denial...NORMAL! It is when you bury your head in the sand, refuse to get out of bed, refuse to bathe, refuse to eat...then you may have a REAL problem!

[irishblessings]

Well, it's Friday night. S is out with friends. I'm ok alone tonight. Actually fairly tired. Feel myself getting a little better after a week in the dumps.

As I was driving to work this morning, I realized the emotional torture I have endured over the last 6 months. I can't think of a better way to characterize the words that have been said and the deeds that have been done. I think that at least for me to recognize and admit that the things H has said are so out of the realm of appropriate allows me to begin to feel some anger. I still have a long way to go before I will stop blaming myself - I have too many years of assuming responsibility for everyone's feelings and actions - but I am beginning to separate myself from those words and deeds. They are not mine - they are not reflective of my values. I made mistakes over the years of my marriage. I am sorry for those mistakes. I am willing to continue to work on eliminating my controlling nature, insecurity, lack of discipline, and heard-headedness! I am working on those things on my own. I need to improve my self-esteem and stop avoiding improvements because I am afraid of failure. I want to remain hopeful for my marriage and family - but from a distance. I want to be a GREAT mom, sister, daughter, friend, employee, aunt, etc. I want to be hopeful that I will end my days in a loving relationship.

I want to have a good weekend! Hope everyone here has a great one too:)

[punkin]

Irish,

Weekends are the hardest for me. I do my best to stay busy, but, sometimes there is nothing louder around than the thoughts in my head. Think tomorrow I'll clean out the hottub and refill it. It's been empty all summer; kind of like my social life. LOL

I know the boards get kind of lonely on the weekends, but shout out, I'll be around.

[imLIN]

IB...you said

"I want to be a GREAT mom, sister, daughter, friend, employee, aunt, etc."

Where is IB in that...see, we begin to indentify who we are by the titles we have such as wife, mom, sister, etc...but really we will be all those things IF WE BECOME GREAT OURSELF! One of the hardest things to do is to identify with YOURSELF!But by doing that...you have definitely GAL and can definitely direct your feelings of happiness...you will have control over YOUR life...that is power...that is healing...that is YOU

[irishblessings]

Punkin and Lin -

I am so grateful that I can relate so closely to you in this journey! Punkin - the weekends are the most difficult - especially trying to stay up for S and letting him go and do his thing but also being home for him when he comes back. That's what I want for my kids and that's what H and I used to do. It was important.

Lin - I agree with you wholeheartedly / I'm beginning to ask myself those questions about what my "great self" would look like and do.

Thanks you all - so grateful!

[punkin]

Makes me want to get up and go outside and do something. Anything. Clean out the garage. Got to get goin'.

Irish, you have a garage that needs cleaned out? I'll race you.
Christmas decorations on the left, lawn supplies on the right. Ready, set, GO

[irishblessings]

Way ahead of you punkin - started in the basement for an hour. Bittersweet - but productive!

[irishblessings]

Movie and dinner with a friend. Eat, pray, love - best quote - Send love and light to their heart and drop it.

Am I sending H love and light by taking care of the kids? Am I sending H love and light by staying away from him and not pursuing him? Am I sending H love and light by standing?

I hope the answer is yes. At this point, it is all I have. I now need to send love and light inward and begin taking care of myself.

[Truegritter]

Am I sending H love and light by taking care of the kids? Am I sending H love and light by staying away from him and not pursuing him? Am I sending H love and light by standing?

All the above above Irish.

You must first love yourself.

And these things you do are really for you?

You need only recognize that.

Not an idea of you.

YOU.

Stand because it is YOUR belief and conviction.

Your honor.

Send H love because you don't want it back...

'Cause you won't get it. (right now or maybe never)

Be loving to your children because ...

Your children, Your H, and everyone on God's green earth will see you

And your actions.

For what you believe.

[irishblessings]

I agree with you Gritt - I don't send it to get it back. It is who I am / what I am. I've lost that over the last few months.

I am slowly replacing hope for a future R with visions for a future of good with family and friends. I want to create a future for myself and my kids that is strong and sustainable. I want to be their place or source of respite. That's how I want to serve them. For me, I want to shed the weight of guilt and shame and hurt and become a lighter, brighter spirit. First things first, I have to begin to forgive myself. This will take some doing (Catholic school guilt thing and all:)) I've always been bothered by the "you did as well as you could with what you had" premise. Where I believe it for others - for myself the standard was "you didn't exceed beyond your best with what you had" standard. I had to do better in order to be worthy. In some ways, my situation reflects that problem. If I had thought myself worthy of H's love and time, would I have been "needy" or insecure? Not that I believe it would change my situation - H is dealing with HIS problems this way - not OUR life.

I have rested a lot this weekend and it is something I MUST continue to do. Makes me stronger:)