Still trying to find my way

[Mystik]

CW, any luck yet with finding that? It sounds interesting.

[Mystik]

Train of random thoughts:

What should I do about filing? I don't want H to get off blame-free but I don't want to be the one to initiate filing. And if I do initiate filing I will want to use adultery, which can be hard to prove. And it's also a crime in NYS so H could be charged with it. However I don't want to be adversarial. But at the same time H deserves to shoulder the blame for the marriage ending. But if I let him file no-fault then the courts will see he initiated it, not me and I'll be able to voice my disagreement. But at the same time in order to not burn bridges it would be better for me to give in and file the way he's demanding than it would be to file the way I would prefer to. However, again we're back to I don't want to be adversarial. But he's being adversarial so why should I be nice? And again, don't want to burn bridges so that he will never consider a future reconciliation.

This has me dizzy from going in circles.

[TulsaTime]

What is the right thing to do Mystik?

[TimeHeals]

What should I do about filing? I don't want H to get off blame-free

I know you are struggling with this still, but take my word for it... blame doesn't matter.

What matters is taking care of Mystic and her child. You should do everything you can do to make sure she and her child are taken care of in the best way possible.

[Mystik]

H had this therapy session with DS tonight, most likely brought Whore to this one. I'm wondering how it went, but I know that I'll never find out. He has DS all weekend so I'm guaranteed at least one day without contact.

He texted me this morning, sent a picture of him and DS in one of the funny mirrors from the fair the other day. I deleted it, didn't save the picture. Why does he do things like that? Is he trying to be friendly? Well, don't. We're not friends, we never can be friends. I don't want to hear from him unless it's about DS or the money he owes me. I don't want pictures of DS that he took during their excursions together. It wasn't me there so why should I have a memento of that? I'll do my own excursions and take my own pictures with DS.

Speaking of the money, I've started to accumulate the papers from the various doctors DS sees. Got the one from his dentist this morning while we were there, and got the one from our car insurance when I made the payment on our policy. Technically we need to be on the same policy because there is no legal separation papers or anything, but my agent said he'd work with me, to just tell H I'm dropping him from the policy on X date so he needs to call my agent to set up his own policy. I need to sort out what I'm going to do about the car insurance as well.

[Mystik]

TulsaTime, how I wish I knew. Definitely going to be praying on this one.

TH, the blame matters to me. I want it to be public record that H screwed up, not me. I did nothing wrong.

[TulsaTime]

Why does it matter what the public record says? Why do you want that?

[TimeHeals]

He texted me this morning, sent a picture of him and DS in one of the funny mirrors from the fair the other day. I deleted it, didn't save the picture. Why does he do things like that? I

If you held an imaginary gun to my head, and I had to guess... yes, sorta. He's normalizing things so he doesn't have to feel like a bad guy: see how good he is to you? He even shares experiences with your child with you.

That being said, I could be wrong because I am a terrible mind reader. He could be a sadistic jerk or just blithefully unaware that what he is doing is being viewed as something painful because... he isn't in any pain. "Gee, what's your problem?".

Does it matter really? He isn't acting like somebody who actually loves you, Mystic. Don't you want and deserve to be loved by those you care about?

[Mystik]

TT, not exactly sure why. I tend to have a self-destructive streak. Things might be going well for me and then I'll do something to mess it all up, usually that is not my intent but had I thought things through I could have foreseen it happening that way, if that makes any sense. And some of it is pride, I don't want people thinking that I'm the screw-up. I think that enough for everyone. And some of it is hurt, I want to lash out and hurt them back.

TimeHeals, I think you've got it. He thinks he's doing me a favor and doesn't realize that it's actually hurting me.

[TulsaTime]

OK then. It's good to look inside and see the motivation.

Now, what will you do? What will you be proud of in the future?