How To Tell The Kids

[CityGirl]

I hear your frustration... my H was famous for the "you should just know" bit. And really that is a communication issue I think.

It is very easy to get locked in one way of doing things and feeling resentful about it. But resentful thoughts really are up to the individual to own. Once resentful thoughts start they manifest quickly and things will not turn out good unless they are addressed. Sadly though most people are unable to really work through resentment in a healthy way.

Some people (me!) find it very difficult to ask for help. I am not sure if it means feeling more vulnerable or what.

It is really hard to know what to do when communication is not really flowing in the best way. I think most of us sort of go by trial and error and work really hard to extract the positives while addressing the negatives. It's NOT an easy balance though!

[TimeHeals]

I hear your frustration... my H was famous for the "you should just know" bit. And really that is a communication issue I think.

Sorry to barge in, but it's oddly nice to hear men use that line on women too. No disrespect intended. It's just nice to know it isn't a woman-only thing (and I know it's not really... just seem to have forgotten), and that I wasn't just incredibly innept at reading my XW.

I think I am just about at the "It doesn't have to be fair, there's no point in trying to figure it out anymore, she just doesn't love you" stage. Let's see where that leads me, eh?

[Ready2Change]

I understand, but then I guess I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do, but it didn't help. Just made things worse.

I would like to suggest that this did not make things worse. It may have made her ANGRY. Maybe she thinks "Why the F is he spending more time with the kids NOW!!!" (or whatever changes you are making) and that makes her angry and question if she is doing the right thing by D you.

I guess this maybe underscores the fact that I just let her go until she asks for help. The only problem with that is she never asked before either. When I questioned her why she didn't ask for help, her response was "I shouldn't have to."

Generally, men like to be asked if they need help. Women all jump in and help each other. She gave you a nugget of gold on what she wants. Don't ask her anymore. Just do the right thing.

MsR2C was angry with all my changes..The dishwasher police never arrived and arrested me for loading the dishwasher MY WAY...I showed her my changes without telling....I took away all the reasons...she D me anyway...that doesn't mean yours will....

[DanF]

So help me figure this one out. A couple of weeks ago I ask my new little blonde friend if she would like to go to the Stone Temple Pilots concert. She asks what day it is and says she will be out of town that day, but otherwise she would have gone. I talk to her after and ask how her time out of town was and she says it was good. She then asks about my vacation and even remembered where I was going. Told her the kids and I had a good time. We had a good conversation for a while and another patron comes into the restaurant.

She starts talking about her trip and how she and a friend took their kids. She as one 2 yr old son and HE has 2 kids. People where they were staying said you 2 certainly have your hands full! Then she says, but we aren't together or anything. I thought perhaps that was for my benefit.

So tonight I go back to see her. I'm there for about an hour chatting with her and others and I work-up the nerve to ask her what is going on this weekend. She says she has her son and doesn't have time to go out. I ask her when she does have time and she says hardly ever. So I ask her if she would like to go out some time when she has time? She says, to the bars? I say the bars, a movie, whatever she'd like to do.

She says, I have a boyfriend. I already knew this, because I heard her complaining about him one night when she was loaded. I said, oh, you said something about going to the STP show, so I didn't know. She said, that would have been fun, who went. I told her and blah blah blah.

Why would she say she would go to a concert with me, but then turn me down for a different date? Did I F something up here? Feels just like it did when I was 19.

I guess I will continue to go to see her anyway because she is very nice and I like to look at her. Maybe things will change, but I won't count on it.

I guess I just don't understand women at all.

[DanF]

I understand, but then I guess I don't know what to do. I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do, but it didn't help. Just made things worse.

I would like to suggest that this did not make things worse. It may have made her ANGRY. Maybe she thinks "Why the F is he spending more time with the kids NOW!!!" (or whatever changes you are making) and that makes her angry and question if she is doing the right thing by D you.

I guess this maybe underscores the fact that I just let her go until she asks for help. The only problem with that is she never asked before either. When I questioned her why she didn't ask for help, her response was "I shouldn't have to."

Generally, men like to be asked if they need help. Women all jump in and help each other. She gave you a nugget of gold on what she wants. Don't ask her anymore. Just do the right thing.

MsR2C was angry with all my changes..The dishwasher police never arrived and arrested me for loading the dishwasher MY WAY...I showed her my changes without telling....I took away all the reasons...she D me anyway...that doesn't mean yours will....

My W was angry with all my changes too. "Why are you doing this now? You never cared before!"

Me. " I didn't understand that these things were so important to you before."

W. "See, you know how to do these things, you just chose not to do them before. That makes me even more upset."

W. "You ARE doing a lot more with the kids. Are you doing this just for me or because you want to."

Me. "What's the difference? I am doing what you asked."

I always thought I was doing the right things to support my family. Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery. Getting turned down by blondie was a blow today. Things were looking so good. I guess they still are, but.....just not quite as good.

[TimeHeals]

Why would she say she would go to a concert with me, but then turn me down for a different date? Did I F something up here? Feels just like it did when I was 19.

She has learned that by stroking mens' egos, she can get stuff. If she was highly interested in you, she'd make time. As things stand, you are a potential "resource". One word: user. Move on.

But there you are... just happy to bask in her presence. Maybe she can get you to wash her car when she wants that done?

[TimeHeals]

Getting turned down by blondie was a blow today. Things were looking so good. I guess they still are, but.....just not quite as good.

Ehhh, your ego just got a reality check with the blonde girl. You'll be OK.

At least you won't keep chasing her and then marry her. Hate to see you rebound into the fire from that frying pan you just got out of.

Luckily, there are more than just two women on the planet, Dan

[Ready2Change]

Red = bad
Green = good
Yellow = OK, but better choices

My W was angry with all my changes too.

Do not FEAR her anger. She wants you to calmly handle her anger....and keep doing the right thing.

W "Why are you doing this now? You never cared before!"
FOCK YOU
Me. " I didn't understand that these things were so important to you before."
"I am sorry you feel this way"
"I am sorry you feel I didn't care"

W. "See, you know how to do these things, you just chose not to do them before. That makes me even more upset."
W. "You ARE doing a lot more with the kids. Are you doing this just for me or because you want to."
Me. "What's the difference? I am doing what you asked."
"My relationship with my kids is very important"

I always thought I was doing the right things to support my family. Just shoot me now and put me out of my misery.

Yes, we all did the best we could with what we knew, we know different now. The illusion is gone. Time for changes. Keep doing the best you know how, learn from everything, and make more positive changes.

Getting turned down by blondie was a blow today. Things were looking so good. I guess they still are, but.....just not quite as good.

Do not take anything personally. Women will always test you. All rejection is good. Learn from it. Practice DB on her. Practice flirting. What did/are you doing to draw her to you? Timing is key. Be very aware of the hints she does / does not drop. You drop hints to, but do not be bold until the right moment. Put her into friend zone.

The lady I am currently with talked about "Muscle boy" the first few times we interacted. I was "alpha male" and did not let "that test" take me away from my goal...I showed interest, but did not act needy.... or pursue...UNTIL THE RIGHT MOMENT.

I was out one night, a "Hot Babe" asked me to buy her a drink, I responded "Absolutely...after you buy me one" her reply was "I like your style!"...


Study all women....

[Ready2Change]

So help me figure this one out.

OK.

I work-up the nerve to ask her what is going on this weekend. She says she has her son and doesn't have time to go out. I ask her when she does have time and she says hardly ever. So I ask her if she would like to go out some time when she has time? She says, to the bars? I say the bars, a movie, whatever she'd like to do.

This is not leading.

Here is how I go about this:
1) Get a local paper, find out what is going on this weekend.
2) Decide on one or two things that sound interesting to YOU.
3) Plan on going to one or more of these events alone.
4) If opportunity presents itself during conversation:


me: "So what are you up to this weekend?"
her: "Not sure, what about you?"
me: "I haven't decided, I hear there are still STP tickets available"
her: "I love stp"
me: "They are great in concert, but there is an art show at the same time with wine tasting that I might go to instead"

At this point, she should give you her opinions...This is when you learn about her.

She says, I have a boyfriend. I already knew this, because I heard her complaining about him one night when she was loaded.

Things for you to think about: What was she complaining about? She gave you gold nuggets of information...Are these qualities you have or would like to have?

I guess I will continue to go to see her anyway because she is very nice and I like to look at her. Maybe things will change, but I won't count on it.

Perseverance = contently waiting.

I guess I just don't understand women at all.

Each one is different, but each one is easily studied, and then you can "test" things on each new one....Make it fun. Draw them to you.....

[DanF]

Thanks for the insights TH and R2C. You guys are right, as usual.

I went out with a buddy last night and along the way we stopped in a place where they were having Karaoke. I'm usually too self conscious to do it, but I ended-up singing two songs. STP Plush and Kid Rock Cowboy. My friend was going to video me and try to embarrass me with it, but he said I was too good for him to use it as blackmail. I had fun.

There weren't many girls at the bar that I considered good looking, but there were a couple. unfortunately, the one that was flirting heavily with me was not one that I was interested in! Getting back into the swing of things I guess.

Going out with the same guy and his wife tonight. We are going to meet some other friends from work out to. I should be a good time. I bought myself a couple skins "just in case", but I doubt that I will use them anyway. At least for a while.

I found out today that the guy next door just got kicked out of the house by his wife. They have been divorced since last September, but still living together. He didn't get any notice. Poor bastard.

That's all for now guys. Gotta do some more packing and mow the lawn.

Take it easy everyone.