I understand!!! Truly I do. I'm just further along in the journey than you and I've been at it 3 times as long - 9 years for me!
I know where I was at after 3.5 years. I was still VERY angry. I was still very hurt. I was trying to rebuild and move forward and I was trying to date again. At the 3.5 year mark I had just started dating Josh. And I still talked about my H and my anger WAY TOO MUCH! But it was my way of dealing with it. It probably nearly cost me my new relationship because I had not finished healing.
But it is really true that what does not kill us makes us stronger. You can mourn the life that you thought your were supposed to have, but really - it is not the life you were meant to have. You have to put your former hopes and dreams to rest. You have to open your heart and mind to your new life. You have to ALLOW it to evolve.
I'm a bit of a control freak. I like to know what I'm doing 5 years from now. And 10 years from now. When my H left I didn't know what I was going to do 10 minutes from now. But I had to learn to Keep the Faith. There is a new and possibly better life waiting for you when you are ready to accept it.
I ran into a girl I know today. I've known her since before I got married. She watched me as I got married, had my little boys. I used to run into her about once a year or so. She was devestated when Ryan got sick and got brain damage. She got married. Had 2 children. Then I remember reading in the paper that her 6 year old son was killed in an ATV accident. I could not even imagine her grief. (well, in a way, I COULD). Then her marriage failed. And I ran into her from time to time. And we commisserated at the hair salon on occasion. Loss of a child. Loss of marriages. But holding it together for our other kids.
I ran into Eva again today. She was so full of life. Introduced me to her daughter, now 10. She told me she loves reading about my life on Facebook. How much she admires how well I have rebuilt my life after adversity. I told her that I always felt the same about her. She told me she learned from watching me - it gave her faith that life went on. We both talked about different people we had met and how much we have learned from our own tragedies. How we can understand and sometimes help others because we understand what many other people might not.
Eva casually mentioned her new boyfriend and she had such a glow about her. Seeing her just made me feel so good inside.
Each of us is on our own timeframe. But sometimes we have to put up the STOP sign and say enough. I started to interrupt myself when I got too obsessed about all that was happening. I made myself STOP. I made myself stop thinking about it. I made myself stop talking about it. I made myself get out and smell the roses.
I'm not beating you up here, Wii. I am really just trying to reassure you that things are going to get better. And better. I just need you to believe it. If Eva and I could recover - you can recover too. And you will. In your own time...
