WAS Script

[A_goodman]

Good stuff AJ.

I thought of some other little rays of sunshine she laid on me:

"You have always been controlling. I feel totally under your thumb,and always have. You have tried to control my life all these years and I have to escape you to save my self" (granted, this is a relative of "you're smothering me.", but I see a basic distinction)

That was a favorite of mine. If you've read my thread, you know that I was guilty of being the doormat for all our R. She still accuses me of trying to control her, but now it's hogwash for different reasons. Now I'm strong (not always conveyed the right way, but strong none the less), but my strength has nothing to do with controlling her. I know and accept that it is impossible, even if I wanted to. She thinks my boundaries are designed to control her. I told her they are not about her in any way. She may act any way she feels, but she does not have a right to be with me. It is a priveledge and the cost of that priveledge is respecting my boundaries.

Another fav:

"The kids will be fine. They are well adjusted and will stay that way." and it's corrillary: "It's better for the kids to have two happy parents and see that example than to have parents locked in a miserable marriage."

This from someone who used to agree with all of the supposed extreme views of Dr. Laura, and who made us pledge to each other that we would NEVER divorce. (Maybe that should have clued me in to her view of the absoluteness of our original vows). And further, we pledged that if something happened to one of us, we would not bring another man/women into our lives until both boys were grown and on their own. My how things have changed!

Sometimes, the revision will go so far as to include fantasies about you hurting them. 20 years of proven behavior tend to pale in comparison to the new found fear of you. It makes sense that since eveything they believed and felt has so quickly and easilly been corrupted that they might expect the same from you.

Anybody see a pattern here?

DING DING DING! Yep. She ain't the same girl you brung to the dance so to speak.

So the thing that dooms us is either trying to figure it out, or applying all the things that you KNOW she will respond to. Only, you'll never figure it out, and she's not the same person, so all that stuff blows up in your face.

Keep reading. Start with AJ's post above. You HAVE to pull out and work on yourself. It's all you can understand or control.

This is asymetrical warfare. All the tactical things you learned in the history of your R will get you killed now. Learn to use what the field gives you.

Adapt, Overcome, Improvise.