CD, go and check out Puppy's thread over in Newcomers regarding displaying Strength in Loving Way. Some real good DB stuff in it...in particular Future's DBing techniques.
I don't have as many issues mine was pretty cut and dried.
The example i will share actually just played out recently.
I had to extend our taxes and they are due on Oct 15.
I had to extend back on April 15.
So the same sort of angst do I tell her I am filing separately and burden her financial obligation to file and pay her own etc.
I knew that would really piss her off.
So it just came up last week as her bank asked her for her taxes so she texts me
"what about taxes?"
I said I am filing separately.
"Why are you mad at me?"
You see where this was going however, it was part and parcel to my boundary and no contact initiated by me clear back to before April 15. W contacts me.
I don't contact her unless absolutely necessary. That is the way it's been.
So my no contacting sends a message.
But I also had a boundary of no more than status quo (her contacting me)keeping dim, unless OM was out of picture.
I could have stated that boundary straight up but decided not to until my boundary was crossed. The difference is subtle but important IMO
It is not controling or appearing at all to do so when they ask or have an expectation of something i.e. filing joint tax return
and you have the opportunity to communicate your boundary at that point in time.
In other words you can pick your stick up now and poke her in the eye but wouldn't it serve you better if she comes to YOU
and you can say calmly and clearly that
"no
I will not do that because I have a boundary in this and until you have decided to commit to our M etc.
That is not what I will be doing. Do you understand that?"
Wife: "Yes"
It does not come from a place of resentment, anger or otherwise when I say it today.
Back when I decided. Yes probably. And it probably would have been perceived as such.
IMO you need to protect yourself. I was not exposed by waiting until she approached me with the taxes issues. I was going to file separately anyway.
One outcome could have been she never would ask me. No harm no foul.
But she did and that gave ME the power to say no. Boundary communicated effectively and enforced.
Makes sense? It is the difference between (I think) commanding your own respect and demanding it.
Let me be clear do not wait to protect yourself. Do it now.
The communication of it actually can come later in certain circumstances.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
So I sent: M: And? This is irrsponsible. You need to fix this. H: I WILL. I told you I am working on it. I will let you know when it's done. I am not your child, it was a f*&king accident M:Whoa! I'm not going to tolerate that tone from you or anyone else. You said they were going to send you a PIN. You said nothing about it taking a week or followed up with me on delays. I am not treating you like a child. In fact, I am treating you like an adult.
She has read it and not responded.
I was tempted to ask if she was having a bad week but thought better of "temp checking"
Since she is so clearly under financial pressure, should I take the opportunity to tell her I have made inquiries as to her next vehicle?
M:Whoa! I'm not going to tolerate that tone from you or anyone else. You said they were going to send you a PIN. You said nothing about it taking a week or followed up with me on delays. I am not treating you like a child. In fact, I am treating you like an adult.
Nicely handled.
Now, if you want to go for "4 Whistles" territory, and mix in your thought about the "bad week?", there IS a way to do it:
CD: "M:Whoa! I'll pretend you're just having a bad week, and chalk that up to someone having her panties in a wad today. ;o) But I'm really not going to tolerate that tone from you or anyone else. You said they were going to send you a PIN. You said nothing about it taking a week or followed up with me on delays. I am not treating you like a child. In fact, I am treating you like an adult."
So I sent: M: And? This is irrsponsible. You need to fix this.
That's the word that set her off. It is in fact irresponsible. The reason she hadn't followed up with you is because she knows this and doesn't want to be called on it. Better to try to keep it under the couch (maybe they won't notice it) than to be responsible and own it.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Since she is so clearly under financial pressure, should I take the opportunity to tell her I have made inquiries as to her next vehicle?
No. You are under no obligation to give W a play-by-play account of your activities. Your main goal is to firewall your finances and that includes getting rid of the truck. Then tell her after the fact since the lease is under your name, right? Yep, W is feeling the squeeze financially which is probably why she is not putting money into the joint account...it wouldn't surprise me if she's given some of the money to support OM.
On to a different topic. I thought about the home makeover situation. Here's a suggestion: Get brand new bed sheets and bed cover now if you can. It seems to me that most women have an emotional attachment to the bedroom. If you change the whole look of the bedroom, it will shock her into the realization that you are moving on. That is a great example of detaching and dropping the rope.
