That's because we're either too tired, grumpy, worked up, whatever after that time. We need that time after 10pm to relax at all costs. So far it's been a good thing.
I'll just incorporate that same boundary a little earlier tonight.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
posting from phone so please disregard mistakes...
date night went well... at least for her. i let her run the show. she picked weverywhere wwe went and i was just along for the ride... which was nice for a change. i didnt pursue her at all during any of it. before dinner i could tell she was uptight. by the end of dinner she turnes to me and said
"i really didnt want to do this tonight... but this has been fun! i am glad we did this. i like this"
left dinner she held my arm a few blocks to the car. she initiated.
all night she seemed playful giving little punches and pokes... maybe 5 total.
i mostly sat there tonight and lovingly detached. it was hard. i had to catch myself a few times i was reaching for her hand but i stopped myself.
got home she gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. that didnt feel good. i hate that... why dont you just kiss me damnit?
so... i couldnt be there with her. i told her i was going out. didnt know when i would be back. she said ok have fun. i left.
i want to bust into tears this detachment tonight hurt... and even though she showed small initiative it still hurt to get that stupid kiss on the cheek. now i sit here in my car alone with my thoughts... and this hurts.
i am just so over this.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I know that tonight she showed some small steps at initiating physical contact, and was basically happier going out with me than anytime she has been before.
Unfortunately, it still hurts that my W doesn't love me in the way that I love her right now. That's the painful part that is tearing me up inside. I now know why I have to detach - I'm just not sure either a)can or b)want to.
I know that by detaching lovingly it will invite her back into the relationship with no pressure. So why is it so dang hard to do that? I know that will work, maybe, but at least it will give me a better chance of DB this M if I detach and don't pursue.
I go through bouts of being confident in myself and being miserable with myself. It's like I'm riding this internal rollercoaster that I've self inflicted on myself.
God, help me.
We went for desert after dinner somewhere else and I asked her if she had fun planning this night, she said that she did have alot of fun researching new places to go out to, and she then began to list all the other places she was thinking about "taking me" (her words) and why she decided on the one we went to. As she was rambling off all her places, I decided to make a slight move and said:
"Woah whoah. Slow down partner. Don't tell me everywhere you were thinking about taking me and what those places are like - you'll give away all your secrets! Take me there next time."
She smiled and said she would stop talking about them... then wanted to tell me about just one more place she wanted to "take me to" and I stopped her and said "Next week, ok babe?" She seemed really receptive to that as we enjoyed our expresso and desert together.
So, I've got another date with my W... that's awkward and weird to think about.
Last edited by john28; 08/21/1003:07 AM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I got back home tonight. She said we need to talk.
She said, "I have made my mind up. I am going to leave you. I do not want to try anymore. I can not try anymore. I do not want to be married to you anymore."
She said all of this very calmly and collectively.
She then said, "I want you to go to mediation with me. I will give you a few days to think about it, but if you don't decide to go, I will have to sue you."
OH MY GOD OH MY.
OH NO.
Oh god I am crying terribly I'm a freaking wreck.
I did the, "We don't have to go down this path - we just found a good MC, we haven't given it time."
She said, "I've done everything you've asked. Now I'm telling you what I want."
OH MY GOD. I'm so lost everyone. Oh no. I'm in shambles. I'm so screwed. What is going on? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS.
She then went into the guest room to sleep and told me not to bother her for the rest of the night. This is the first night she's slept away from me in another room in our house.
Dear Lord - what is going on???????? WHAT DO I DO?????
PLEASE PLEASE help me. What do I do???? What should I say????
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
could this be in response to me pulling away? I don't know I'm such a mess right now. Could she have done this because I was starting to detach and she felt like I was moving away from her and she didn't feel close to me anymore?
She said that we had a perfectly good night and that after all that good night she didn't feel anything for me. that was what made her mind up.
Oh please someone give me some advice please. I'm in such pain. SUCH pain. So much hurt in my heart. I am so hurt everyone. I feel like I'm dying.
This hurts just as much as bomb day. This is exactly 2 months to the day since bomb day. I am so hurt inside. I am so lost. I am so so so hurt. I feel so alone. I don't want to feel like this. I can't do this.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
I don't know much about your situation, I just found your thread. But I see that you are upset, so I thought i would respond. Of course you know that arguing with her will just make her more firm in her stance. Some people have had success by letting the wife see what life without you will be like. This works better with wives who don't have jobs that would support them. When the wife is financially secure, this has little effect.
I see that you two had a nice night last night. It sounds like she may be having some pull back after feeling that she went too far in getting along with you. I'd say the best thing now is to stall for time. Say you want to think about it. Do some research....find out about mediation. And really do it. Find out all you can about divorce in your state. And while you are at it, look into Retrouvaille, at www.helpourmarriage.org. These people have saved thousands of marriages on the brink of divorce. Talk about options for mediation, but also talk about just giving it one weekend at Retrouvaille first. Try to get her to agree to go.
I don't know much about your situation, I just found your thread. But I see that you are upset, so I thought i would respond. Of course you know that arguing with her will just make her more firm in her stance. Some people have had success by letting the wife see what life without you will be like. This works better with wives who don't have jobs that would support them. When the wife is financially secure, this has little effect.
I see that you two had a nice night last night. It sounds like she may be having some pull back after feeling that she went too far in getting along with you. I'd say the best thing now is to stall for time. Say you want to think about it. Do some research....find out about mediation. And really do it. Find out all you can about divorce in your state. And while you are at it, look into Retrouvaille, at www.helpourmarriage.org. These people have saved thousands of marriages on the brink of divorce. Talk about options for mediation, but also talk about just giving it one weekend at Retrouvaille first. Try to get her to agree to go.
thank you so much for responding Lotus. I really appreciate the words. I just feel so alone and any words right now mean gold to me.
I had just signed us up for Retrouvaille maybe 30 minutes ago. They don't come to my town though until 6 weeks from now. would it be better to go out of town immidiately to one of these? I have no idea. the next one that is near to me is on the 10th of September - about 20 days away....
and i have stalled for time... i got her to wait until after our next MC session but she said she didn't want to wait 2 weeks that i should call immidiately and get the next time, preferrably Monday. I don't know how much more I can stall on this. She seems like she wants to rush all of this right now. She told me she wanted me to think about mediation tommorrow and give me an answer.
Last edited by john28; 08/21/1005:08 AM.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
i feel right now as if I am mourning a death. It feels like my W has died and I'm crying for her death. I am just so torn up. I can't do this..... I just can't. I hate this. My life is in ruins!
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
If all you do is the weekend at Retrouvaille, you can go anywhere. However, the full program is the weekend plus 6 follow-up or "post sessions". They are scheduled to begin immediately after the weekend and they are very helpful for reconciling.
It is possible to do the weekend in one place, and then do the post sessions in another. But you would need to get permission from the post session group. I can't imagine they would object.
What state are you in? Some states have quick divorces, some require 6 months to a year to get divorced.
