Now stay consistent. Take care of yourself this weekend.
Search for the "mystery fruitcake" it's next to the cat toys.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Now stay consistent. Take care of yourself this weekend.
I am a Georgia boy at heart
As far as this weekend, W and I actually have a "date" tonight because S4 is going to a pizza party from 6-10pm. When I signed him up for it, I told her that we could go out, but she would need to plan the night. I planned all of our night in the past.
If I come home and there is no plan, then we'll sit at home. If I want to stay consistent I can not budge on that. She said she would make plans with me, and if she didn't then I will not go back on what I said and make plans for us.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
honestly, John, you are concerned and making boundaries over the mundane and namby-pamby over those that matter. 3 EAs in a couple of years, meeting up with some dude from class behind your back is a big deal. Not being able figure out what to do on a friday night is not.
Now she could be sex texting some guys she could be not. I guess it really doesnt matter. It worked to open your eyes.
Her boundaries are ridiculous. You should be able to break one of them tonight.
She asked me when I was leaving if I went through her phone, I actually didn't. She said "are you sure"? I said, yes, I am sure I did not go through you're phone. She said, "I'm not doing anything!"
I replied with, "Frankly, I don't care anymore if you are." = letting go of control. It felt good to say that.
And she seemed dumbfounded. Then I left for work.
John, the next time she asks you this (or even the next time it seems in context), I'd say something like the following to her. It's an old post from Robx to someone -- can't remember whom -- that was so good, I saved it in my personal archives:
RobX’s approach:
Sit her down and have a discussion with her. No need to be mad, angry, a$$hole, prick on anything, keep it calm, light but straight forward, direct to the point, etc. Don't make it last more than a few minutes.
You tell her trust is based on actions that are consistent.
You don't trust her because she hasn't been consistent.
You don't trust her because she's been lying to you, in fact you tell her that is what you trust her to continue doing, because she has been lying to your consistently - that's what you can trust.
For you to be able to trust her, she has to build trust. Sure you can trust her blindly and have faith and all that good stuff but honestly how well has that worked up to this point?
Don't ask for for full disclosure.
Do the opposite.
Tell her this:
"... I don't want your cell phone records, I don't want to look at your cell phone text msg's and call history, I don't want your email or fb password, I don't want your voicemail pw. If I have to monitor you 24/7 to force you to be consistent, that won't work for me because that's not what I want or need.
I wanted you to be trustworthy but I don't need you to be anything, truth be told, I'll be just fine without you, I see that now.
From now on I'm moving in this direction, if you want to come along, go ahead, I won't control you and tell you that can or can't come but I can't wait for you anymore and you already know that if you're with the OM, you aren't with me, I'm not settling for anything less than that.
If you really want to be with the OM, I really can't say or do anything to stop that and you should be with him if you're willing to lie so much to me, if you can't be true to me that means he's more important to you than I am and you know what... I'm ok with that because I'm more important to me and that's all that matters - I see that now.
If you wanted to be with me, you knew that you had alot of trust to rebuild and that's only through consistent action and I'm through with pressuring you to be my wife, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me and that's pretty much what it looks like to me so let's stop playing games: you go and be with the OM, I'm ok with that, in fact I'm better than OK, I'm awesome because I'm finally being honest with myself about all of this and that includes being honest about who you are and where you are right now. I know what I'm worth and I've been settling for less for too long.
I can't wait for you anymore, I've spent enough time waiting for you to do the right thing and I know that doesn't work because I would probably have to wait forever and still not get what I wanted. So you can do what you want, be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy and I'm going to start wanting something better for me."
No being mean, spiteful, vindictive, you let her go. No more discussions, arguments, no more talks about lies, no more sneaking around behind your back, she can do what she wants but you are letting her go to do what she wants to do but at the same time, you are now allowing yourself to be free of this crappy limbo place you've been living in for so long.
Bro, if she wants to be with you, she'll be with you, no amount of a$$ kissing, sneaking, snooping, being mean, angry, standing tall, etc. is going to change that.
You be the best gosh darn example of a MAN for you and for you only. If she wants this great MAN that you are in her life, she'll pursue you and do what it takes to be a part of that.
You need to respect yourself first, that's the first step and letting go of your wife her untrustworthy ways to establish that your self-respect, dignity and integrity are the most important things in your life is what you NEED and WANT to do. You know what you're worth, go out and get what you're worth and let go of the things that are worthy of you - starting feeling your personal value, know it, resonate with it, live it. You are worth better than what she is giving you right now, if you don't set that boundary, you'll allow her to do this to you forever and who could respect that?
Otherwise continue playing this game and you'll be playing this chase & pursue game, pushing & pulling for the rest of your life.
Time to get off the merry go round, this ride isn't that fun anymore.
That's one way to put it. I personally prefer this one.
"Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City sailor wana hump hump bar or is this getaway day, and your last shot at his whiskey. Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here."
First you should disappear to walmart for awhile...
That's exactly what I'll do if she doesn't have any plans for tonight. That is a GREAT plan !
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I really hope you dont spend the night shaving her without getting any satisfaction.
If looking was satisfaction, I'd be up to my eyeballs in it. Unfortunately, that doesn't do it for me :lol:
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Be sure to use the line "do you want to mess around or are you just yanking my chain?" Then go out and pick up that other girl.
I've gotten so much great advice here I feel like when you were in school and the teacher said the test was open note, but you only could have ONE notecard and write whatever you wanted on it... it's like I'm trying to cram all these great lines and advice into a tiny little notecard (brain). I'll try to remember that one.
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Did she ever explain what happened between giving you 10 kisses and driving to walmart? Did she hear a sad commercial on the radio?
She said that it just finally got to her. That she had a few moments alone, completely alone, and it just broke her down. She said it wasn't a complete nervous breakdown, but she just needed to cry and get it out. She's feeling sad, depressed, frustrated, whatever.
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Telling her you didnt care anymore was your first step to detaching. Nice job. Keep it up...
Baby steps, right. Baby steps.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Just got a call from W at work - which she NEVER does... asking what time the party for S4 was again (although I think she knew, but was just calling). She then asked me what time she should make dinner reservations for! Exciting! I told her it depended on whether or not she wanted to do something before or after dinner, it was up to her.
My W has never, ever made plans for us to go on a date. This is exciting but I'm trying really hard not to get excited only to be put down.
Tonight no R talk at dinner. I'll let her lead the conversation. The last two times we've gone out on dates we've ended the night with R talk. And it sucked the life out of a perfectly OK night.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
