I am not saying I sympathise with his mother.. She is doing a lot of harm to a lot of people's lives and using tears to extort peoples' tolerance of the destructive illness..
i've been trying very hard to digest your last two posts about making amends with my mil and making a list of things that i would accomodate and what i wouldn't.
to be honest, i'm not sure if i have it in me to work with her. there are trust issues that i have to overcome. i don't know what she talks to her son about when he calls her on his way home from work. i could be doing everything right and still be taken for a fool.
i agree that she's doing more harm than good - but isn't that the more reason to get her help? she will never reach rock bottom because in her mind, she's just trying to help and doing only what's best for the family.
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But I am saying that there are ways you can learn to work with the person with the illness...
i tried. but her help became more of a hinderance than help. even my own mother tried to help me learn how to work with my mil's quirks but it became harder and harder.
at one point, things got better. and i actually got along with my mil. and the truth is, i never fought with my mil or my fil .. yes, i used the word "never". i never raised my voice with her. i saw the good side in them and it made up for their quirks. i cared about them almost as much as my h did.
i have taken my mil out alone when she was visiting. we grocery shopped together and i took her out to dinner once. we didn't have the big dramatic fights that most ILs have with their DILs. when i saw how she was getting on my h's nerves with her constant need to help, i would convince her to go shopping with me and relieve my h of her nagging.
one of the things i'm really good at is making sure they don't get ripped off by anyone - be it a car salesman, the phone company, etc. and i would look out for them. they live in the mid west and my h and i live on the east coast. so we are unable to be with them all the time. if they have computer trouble, my h gets frustrated trying to debug stuff over the phone. so what did *i* do? i put a remote access program on their computers and now we debug their machines without my h ripping his hair out. my ILs are elderly so they are not computer literate and are slow typers. so you can imagine how frustrated my h can be. so i help them figure things out and make life easier.
my h walked away from this m with so many things that he learned from me. he didn't value what i brought to the table. he only valued material things we had.
most of the time, i felt like the 'h' in the relationship. i took care of things he didn't want to bother with while h just worked.
it's funny when you said him calling me a gold digger is probably a projection of how he feels himself .. and all this time, i kept wondering how he could have thought of me that way. when he ended our m, he basically wanted to take everything and run away.
eight months later and the hurt is still very raw. and i wonder whether i will ever be respected for the way i handled things. i valued the people involved - that's why i helped them. i show that i care by helping them and doing things for them. when will he ever learn that material things are not replacements for tenderness, friendship, and love?
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The biggest problem is your H hasn't grown up, partly a result of this disorder I'm sure...
sigh. the more reason not to accomodate it. it only continues to grow and expand. at some point, you have to stop it .. accomodating the disorder often tends to blur the boundaries. and from there, it leaks and thrives.
The thing is, his mother won't get help if everyoen is enabling her... SHe won't hit rock bottom if everyone is enabling her... and hitting rock bottom is what usually motivates someone to cahnge... if NO ONE wants to be around them they eventually get the hint and change...
But, I think her getting help isn't that important.. I think your H getting some is higher priority.. I thought maybe since he is wayward right now you trying to make amends with his motehr may offer some incentive...
If you want him back, clearly for this guy getting on his mother's good side is the way to do that.
it's that cycle of .. if i get on his mom's good side, it will involve enabling her destructive behaviour. which is hurting those around her.
i don't know if i have it in me to be a door mat to his mom's manipulative ways. the minute i enforce my boundaries on her, she will go crying to my h and say that i'm mean and threatening when she's only trying to help.
the person who needs the most help is my h and have him see that i wasn't unreasonable. i was actually quite accomodating already. bring in an OW if you want .. see if she will put up with that kind of behaviour. most women would punch back.
Well, you have to decide how to manage her.. She's not going to get help on her own... And right now she's how old?
It's VERY HARD to undo conditioning that extensive...
I am just thinking strategy wise if you want husban'ds support again getting some sort of managable arrangement with his mother is your strongest card to play...
I think if he sees you working iwth his mother he's a lot mroe likely to cooperate with you... make sense?
Phil McGraw uses the expression "do you want to be happy or do you want to be right", I suppose your version works just as well...
If they don't live with you I would imagine you can suffer through it...
His motehr isn't my worry, its your H's maturity level.. he could fall into an affair very easily, he hasnt' developed himself emotionally enough to resist that sort of temptation
His motehr isn't my worry, its your H's maturity level.. he could fall into an affair very easily, he hasnt' developed himself emotionally enough to resist that sort of temptation
i fear this from time to time ..
but .. he's never given into temptation. even when he was a college student. a gf of a friend tried to take him back to her place. he was drunk at the time. but even in his drunken state, he was coherent enough to not go.
his morals keep him in check. he's never trusted anybody to get near him. except for me. the thing we had in common was that we were each other's first. and he was aware that there are diseases out there, he didn't like women who had 'miles' on them. he didn't want to put his thing where some other guy's thing has been. i guess it's the germaphobe in him.
to be honest, i have a similar complex when it comes to dating.
An interesting excerpt from MWD.. I posted on Sunny's thread to answer a question she had. I think it may help you find an answer too :
One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough. Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your pastor or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects. Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s damn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker.
So, here’s the bottom line from the Divorce Buster. Don’t place too much weight on those compatibility quizzes. Be more impressed with your partner’s level of commitment. With the right attitude and adequate set of relationship skills, even the quirkiest of personality differences or opposing life goals can be worked through. Know your prospective partner’s willingness to stay the course even when love isn’t easy.
THIS is what I am worried about, his mother is nothing compared to this mountain.
Me too. In his opinion, "marriage isn't supposed to be this hard.". I don't think he is willing to put the hard work into any relationship. He needs someone to take care of his life so why would he want to take on more?
He refused marriage counseling. The big obstacle is himself. I don't think he realizes how good he had it. I don't know if there is anyone who is as capable of managing his life the way I did. I know it sounds cocky but after 10 years of being there for him, I know it's hard work.
There aren't a lot of women out there who are as capable as I am. Heck, the women around here have their husbands take their car in to the shop for service. Me? I take my own car into the shop and I make sure I know what is getting done. My h doesn't do anything for me. I even schedule his car appointments for him! Oh geezus ... I was like a mother to him.
