Hmmm... I dunno, as long as he is doing this "I might leave" thing I would not be getting physical with him.. and I would make him aware of that...
Just tell him you aren't about to hop into bed with someone who is threatening to abandon his family ... Just tell him that's not "sexy" whatsoever...
Well, he's totally backed off the "might leave" bit and is willing to work on things. However, working on things and being committed to the M are 2 different things - as we know. His actions say he's not going anywhere, quite frankly. (I've always been told to listen to actions more than words.) His words - well, he's not saying much. He's way too prideful, for one thing, to say he was wrong and others were right... Now that he's not engaged in getting his needs met outside the R, I think he's finding his feelings towards me are better. Heck, he's not even holed up playing XBox nearly as much, esp. this week. SO.... definitely some positives here. BUT...I do know to be careful. I'm a passionate person so it's hard for me to abstain in the physical dept. BUT...I will take advice and follow it! I know better than to trust my instincts.
To add...I wasn't able to post much these last few days but he definitely has said he doesn't want to leave. We never had the "big convo" about it but has said it and not just implied it.(and said it to D)
Do I trust it? Well, that's another point. We know these WAS's and MLC....he could change his mind next week!
The thing is...I AM ok with what he's doing right now. Well, this week anyway! He's come home from work and been engaged with the family. He's been helpful - he's talked a lot and played XBox very little... he planned the trip up to see D and asked me to go... he's friendly and upbeat... asked me to the movies last night... had a good time....
SOOO... makes it hard to not be OK with sex. But, I guess if he's still not saying he's 100% committed to saving the M than it shouldn't be OK even though he's acting OK, huh?
He's not learnign how to be a husband or father.. he's not improving his education at all...
He's going through the motions on instinct
That will come back to bite you in the butt, as it does to most married couples.
MWD says the following on her website here :
One of the most important things you need to know is whether your partner can stand the heat. Will s/he be willing to get help when the going gets tough. Is s/he willing to take a marriage education class to learn the necessary skills to get and keep your marriage on track or back on track? Would s/he be willing to go to a qualified marriage counselor or speak to your pastor or rabbi? And if you’re going to talk, talk about the taboo, x-rated subjects. Discuss infidelity, infertility, aging parents, job layoffs, unexpected illnesses or deaths. Talk about the hard stuff. Does your partner know that over two thirds of what couples argue about in marriage is unresolvable? Does s/he know the predictable transitional stages that ALL marriages go through regardless of how much couples love each other? Does your mate know that while marriage is still one of the greatest institutions on earth, it’s not for the faint of heart? In fact, it’s damn hard work. And since it only takes one person to end a marriage, you might want to ask your partner, “Under what circumstances would you feel that our marriage would be over?” I know this question isn’t pretty or romantic, far from it, but since most divorces are unilateral decisions, it might help to know what might prompt your spouse to call it quits. It could be a deal breaker.
So, here’s the bottom line from the Divorce Buster. Don’t place too much weight on those compatibility quizzes. Be more impressed with your partner’s level of commitment. With the right attitude and adequate set of relationship skills, even the quirkiest of personality differences or opposing life goals can be worked through. Know your prospective partner’s willingness to stay the course even when love isn’t easy.
Right NOW you are telling me its "easy" so he's OK... WHERE will he be when a crisis hits?
Well, Allen, your analysis is better than most, that's for sure! lol
You've given me some good things to think about, that's for sure! I wouldn't say H is there right now. Is he headed there? I'd like to think so but there's no telling for sure. I can say that even though he's acted like a jerk quite a bit these last 4 months that right now he seems to be willing to work toward sticking to his commitments. (Esp. given the fact that 4 months ago he was ready to walk away.) I wouldn't say things are easy right now, but easier than they were 4 months ago, that's for sure. I just keep thinking, if he was really going to leave, he would've gone already at this point. So therefore, according to his actions, I would say his gut is more committed than his mouth is.
The part that bugs me most right now is that while his behavior has improved greatly, he is still not affectionate towards me at all. (Except for the few times he's wanted sex.) He makes no move to hold my hand or have eye contact, or kiss me.... So, he's right in telling D that it's more like roommates at the moment. I'm sure it's a good step to at least be getting along.
However, I probably just answered me own question about sex! Why should I give in to that when I am getting no affection? It's easy to say that now but harder when things heat up. lol
I guess I need a campaign slogan: Just say no!!! :-)
What you might want to do is show your H that quote from MWD (omitting her name of course... you don't want him finding this forum)... I think its an excellent sample of what you expect of him...
Don't use it as a criticism... But show it to him and saying "Do you think this is something you can work towards?"
Give it some thought... I think that quote can work as well for a sports team player or something too... I am sure you can find a way to work with it...
Michelle just put it so simply and concisely I would like to think your H would understand that's the safety you need and the safety he's been threatening... If he can recognize that you need someone who can "stand the heat" I think you two can connect on a much deeper level...
He may realize the guy that can't "stand the heat" is someone he doens't want to be...
You can introduce your DD into the conversation as well as an example...
What kind of guy do you want our daughter marrying? Presumably someone who can "stand the heat? That's all I'm looking for too... Can you do that for this family eventually?"
He may try to tell you that someone that divorces isn't necessarily someone who can't stand the heat... I would not at all be surprised if he tried to take up arms to defend waywards as this article may portray them as weak or cowardly... Might want a good response to that too...
Regarding the sex thing... My advice is to offer modest amounts of sexual interaction for modest amounts of non-sexual affection... I won't get into examples on THIS one, but I think you get where I am going...
Women know how to work with a man and NOT go all the way... Women know how to get their needs met in small while meeting men's needs in small as well... That's what I will say on that one...
The DD approach is GENIUS! If I can go down THAT road before hitting on me/him, that's the best approach there is because no father wants his D marrying someone less than best for her and less than committed to her! Well...unless he can see where I'm going with it and then he might try to twist out of it. H is pretty smart and can see things a mile away that he thinks someone's going to try to use on him. That's OK though - I'll find a way.
BUT...I will take advice and follow it! I know better than to trust my instincts.