I had a visit with my Psychologist today and she brought up something that really made sense to me. Firstly, I was saying that I felt I should be farther along than I am after almost three years. She said "Whatis, I'm not surprised you're still feeling the way you are. You had a huge loss in your life. Your wife and family were an enormous part of who you were for 17 years. It's very anxiety provoking to have that ripped out of your life and at midlife have to start all over again. You didn't just lose your wife, you lost half your time with your kids. Not only did you suffer a huge loss but you were also betrayed. Now, in every R you have you're constantly looking for signs of betrayal..." Yes, when my D13 passed out at the family picnic and then suffered that cut at the cottage I was scared, I had these fears I was going to lose her! My father's illness brought up the thoughts of losing him too. Loss is a biggie for me and to top it off with trying to figure out how to trust people again...well, that's a load. She said that I'm doing well, I'm aware of my feelings and I have to let myself feel them. It's like a movie, she said, that's still not over and you don't know how it's going to turn out. My anxiety is pretty understandable. She also said that the continual stressful events that keep coming out of nowhere in my life are keeping me uptight. She said I'm trying to figure out the next step of my life but don't know what that step will be. I told her I feel like I've just come back from war. During the battle I knew what I had to do and did it but now that I'm back home I just don't know what to do. I told her I feel this huge pain inside me that I just don't think others can understand. Well, that's my day so far. I'm rather tired after driving downtown for my appointment, that's like going to battle in itself! I think I'll just take it easy this afternoon, maybe hit the park and read. Btw, she also said "I don't know whether you'll ever be completely over this". I guess it's like my best friend once told me, he'd lost his Dad and younger brother in the same week. He said "you never get over it, you just learn to deal with it better"
