It might not make sense to you but I can sort of see how your W (or anybody really) can have a tough time with totally different behavior.
It is amazing that you really took her "complaints" to heart and listened and want to rectify things. But going from one extreme to another is quite a bit to handle.
My H did nothing. I foolishly took care of EVERYTHING (the finances, the housework, the planning, the errands and so on). That is how it was in his parents marriage too. I actually don't think I fully realized how much I took on until he was gone. As a single person now I still have to do those things. And yes, from time to time it would be nice to have some relief. But guess what? When somebody offers me relief, wants to lend a hand or any other kind gesture I sort of feel VERY trapped very fast. It is sort of like going from one extreme to the other.
I realize the dynamic of husband and wife is very different than "new people" but when you feel like you (general you) have taken care of so many things for so long and all of a sudden there is a radical change it can feel smothering. Not smothering as in you don't appreciate it the gesture but more smothering like "wow, I have to really learn how to accept things".
I have a new friend that is very, very nice. Sometimes I have to stop myself from freaking out like a crazy person when he doe something nice. In my mind I think... OMG, get out of business I can do this myself like I always have! It's not from lack of gratitude it's just a huge shift for me and one that makes things "different".
This probably isn't the best articulation. I guess what I am saying (as far as gestures go) when things are one way for a long time you sort of adapt. When "unfamiliar gestures" (while lovely) start to happen it can be, well, foreign.
