Personally I don't see any problem with the email you sent. I think it was opened up by the discussion you had the other night.
You spoke your mind, said what you believed was possible, stated what your hope is, discussed some things you see as negative turning points to your marriage.
I would only say it wasn't good to send if you hadn't had the conversation you had the other night. That opened up the door for the email.
Others may chime in differently, but that's my take on it - for whatever that's worth...lol
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
Thanks Steady. I'm glad you think it was ok (and not pursuing or anything).
To help you all understand a little more of the complicated dynamic I have to reveal a bit more about our situation. The grieving I mentioned in the email was due to his brother's suicide. That was a horrible but critical point in our marriage. His brother and my youngest sister had dated for 3 months after we got married, they broke it off, and three weeks later he took his life. H's family blamed my sister instead of looking at the other obvious reasons why. H has told me he doesn't blame her and nothing could have prevented it. He said his brother gave them all signs and no one is to blame but everyone should have seen it coming. This all came to a head at my baby shower when his sister and cousins attacked my sister (a very Springer moment indeed). After that he cut off contact with his sister. I feel this is part of why he says he 'gave up everything for me'. At that time I told him I would never prevent him from seeing his sister or taking his child to visit his family, but please don't ask me to go to visit with them. I did not want a relationship with her. Since then I have tried to be cordial to her for all our children's sakes and she has denied me.
Last night one of the things I said briefly was that I know you feel you gave up everyone for me, but I want you to know I never asked you to give up anyone - until now. I know you did what you thought was best, but you did that on your own without asking me.
So that adds to the complicated story of how we got here and also how being 500 miles away from all of those people is a huge thing right now. We both came here with the idea of wanting a better life and focusing on our own family and not the mess between our families.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
This is instead of running in to talk right now so you can get rest tonight here are a few thoughts written out...
I sense that you have alot of doubt about our relationship working out long term. I do not have any. I truly feel that if we can put any built up bitterness and resentment aside and reconnect, talk about the things the bother and fester inside us, that we can make changes and be so much stronger in the end. By doing so, right there, we do not have the relationship that your parents have. Theirs is full of bitterness and stubbornness not to change.
As for your argument that we didn't do things before OW came into your life - no we did not. I felt that was how you wanted the marriage to work so I tried to respect it. You worked a TON of hours, when I asked if anything was wrong you always told me it was that you were tired. If you really just didn't want to be around me, I never got the hint. I really felt you were tired. I asked you many times to watch movies or a show and made suggestions of comedies and other things we could watch. I would have seen Avatar or any of the Twilights with you. I would rather not see scary/gory that keep me up at night when I am home alone so many nights. But I'm not asking you to go see romantic comedies. I'm happy to see something we both want to see.
As for the sleeping arrangement, I would love to snuggle like we did in college. You told me you needed sleep and didn't want that. I tried to respect that wish. I never felt it was done because we 'weren't working out'. A few months after you started work and hadn't even adjusted yet, other things happened. I gave you space then so you could grieve in your own way. Again, I didn't think it was because we weren't working out. Next up we had a baby. When I was home on maternity leave with D1, you were awesome. I remember you would stay up from night float to let me sleep while you rocked her. You were the rock I needed to support me. I felt like a family. I never knew your resentment was building. Again, whenever I asked if something was wrong you just said you were tired. I believed you, who wouldn't be tired after the hours you worked?
At that point, when D1 was 9-10 months was the first time you and OW went to dinner and it didn't feel right but you said it was just a friend and I respected that. I really got the vibe that it was affecting us and something wasn't right the night we went to the Hibachi place on March 28,2008 (two days before I knew D2 was on her way). Obviously to me, this was when things went wrong in OUR relationship. I know you don't feel the same. This is when I started to be sidelined, my 30th birthday was a dinner at McDonald's and Mother's Day's were nothing. This is when I felt replaced and I suppose I started to build resentment.
Where am I now? Am I hurt? Yes. Am I resentful. Not really. That won't get me anywhere. My girls are worth more than that. They are worth more than my ego or trying to keep score with you on who hurt who more.
I've had many more hours than you to ponder all of this and I truly believe with 100% certainty that this could be what we needed to break down the walls. To open dialogue and communication and to achieve a closer friendship and relationship than we thought possible. Going forward we will no longer take the marriage for granted. A marriage is like a living thing, it needs care and attention. When we were college freshman we discussed this and said we both agreed that in a family the marriage needs to come first and is the foundation for the family and the children. We were right then. We lost our way. We got carried away in the day to day, surviving the residency, taking care of the kids, and we let life come between us.
This is our opportunity to change it. We are in a perfect setting to do it with you having a less demanding position temporarily, no other friends or family to interfere, in a pretty small town with lots of family places to explore. We can definitely do this, without a doubt, IF we BOTH want it and we both work toward it. I have zero doubts. I am looking forward to leaving here and going to the next place for your career as a strong loving family.
Based on what you said Sunday you do want to make this work too. If you have doubts or concerns, let's discuss them. I am confident that we can look back on this time in our lives a few years from now and say that was rough, but so worth it in the end to get us to where we are going to be.
That's a lot of pressure on him. I bet he already feels a ton of pressure. The reason the OW is appealing is because there is no pressure. You need to back way off. Let him come to you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I don't think Coach was referring to you drawing a boundary about the OW and him ending contact or moving out - it was his take on the email.
I think you need to draw the boundary as you stated you plan on doing.
I can see what Coach is talking about in the email. Pointing out your H's responsibility in the unraveling of your marriage and pointing out how things are perfectly aligned to work out is pressure on him.
Don't broach the subject again - just back off and see what happens. I think the boundary will show your strength and willingness to stand up for yourself.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
mm, put the shoe on the other foot. you are in the role of you H. do you think you would be attracted to him if he was pressuring you, telling you all the things he wants, what he did wrong and he doesn't respect himself enough to tell you to hit the road if you didn't end the A?
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I see that it was too much. This is all so much to handle, comprehend, and act in the 'correct' way. He just spent all weekend with her and came home and said he realizes there is nothing back in our home state left for him anymore. I took that as he wanted to work on the family. But he never did cut off contact. I guess I need to go back to the saying on here that says believe none of what they tell you. His actions are saying he doesn't want to work on things.
Me 32 H 32 Ds 3.5 and 1.5 M 5 years, T 14 years EA/Bomb: 7/1/10 PA revealed: 9/14/10 Legally separated: 10/01/10
he has an addiction to the OW. the only cure is to cut off the source of the addiction. as long as she is in the picture you don't have a real M. the boundary is about behavior and the consequences of him continuing his behavior. it's healthy for everyone.
this isn't easy or fun, it will help define what kind of woman you are.
you can handle it.
cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
