CD

I don't have as many issues mine was pretty cut and dried.

The example i will share actually just played out recently.

I had to extend our taxes and they are due on Oct 15.

I had to extend back on April 15.

So the same sort of angst do I tell her I am filing separately and burden her financial obligation to file and pay her own etc.

I knew that would really piss her off.

So it just came up last week as her bank asked her for her taxes so she texts me

"what about taxes?"

I said I am filing separately.

"Why are you mad at me?"

You see where this was going however, it was part and parcel to my boundary and no contact initiated by me clear back to before April 15. W contacts me.

I don't contact her unless absolutely necessary. That is the way it's been.

So my no contacting sends a message.

But I also had a boundary of no more than status quo (her contacting me)keeping dim, unless OM was out of picture.

I could have stated that boundary straight up but decided not to until my boundary was crossed. The difference is subtle but important IMO

It is not controling or appearing at all to do so when they ask or have an expectation of something i.e. filing joint tax return

and you have the opportunity to communicate your boundary at that point in time.

In other words you can pick your stick up now and poke her in the eye but wouldn't it serve you better if she comes to YOU

and you can say calmly and clearly that

"no

I will not do that because I have a boundary in this and until you have decided to commit to our M etc.

That is not what I will be doing. Do you understand that?"

Wife: "Yes"

It does not come from a place of resentment, anger or otherwise when I say it today.

Back when I decided. Yes probably. And it probably would have been perceived as such.

IMO you need to protect yourself. I was not exposed by waiting until she approached me with the taxes issues. I was going to file separately anyway.

One outcome could have been she never would ask me. No harm no foul.

But she did and that gave ME the power to say no. Boundary communicated effectively and enforced.

Makes sense? It is the difference between (I think) commanding your own respect and demanding it.

Let me be clear do not wait to protect yourself. Do it now.

The communication of it actually can come later in certain circumstances.

My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am