W and I went to my C and now are considered MC together. We didnt get too much out, as my C was unaware that W was to start atending.(Which I left the front desk several messages to alert C of). I knew she had the issues of me being physically and verbally abusive person. I did say the physical abuse stopped along time ago, and I have been working hard on the verbal abuse. So far I have not backslided. What I didn't know is that she was tired of me starting projects and not finishing them. So I have made a mental note to not start anything I cannot finish, and anything I have started, finish it(if I can). MC has noticed that W still focus' on me A LOT. Even though we are working together,set boundaries,and made amense on things, it still seems that W still is holding things back. MC ask that we each do some homework and find faults in ourselves and explain them on our next appointment. W was also surprise that I told everything to MC. I said yes, I want to work on our M and C needed to know everything to help me and how to work on our M.
Well see how the next MC session goes.
W now ask me to move fully back in on Wednesday. It is nice but wierd being back in the house now. I need to gather all my things and start bringing them back in. My first thing is to neatly organize my belongings not just throw things everywere as I have done before. Also, clean the outdoor kitchen spotless.
Also, W has been persuing me constantly. If I step out for a bit(say the porch or back to the barn), within minutes, she is asking me what I am doing and wants to tag along.
The bad.... We did go thru phone records. I saw that OM had texted her a few days back. W did not tell me and had also deleted the text(as I check the phone from time to time. I told her that she cross the line and that the hiding of this, hurt. I ask why didnt you respect my boundary of not having OM in the picture? She responded that she told him to leave her alone again and that she wanted nothing to do with OM. She hid the fact that if I knew, I would get angry and would fight her. I told her, that yes I would, but not nearly as much as I am now that you were not open with me. That deleting the text makes it look even worse on you because I never saw them and really do not know what you wrote. She knew she had done wrong and was very upset that I was upset. She said I(W) would type another text up to him and send it to OM with you seeing it. I really was unsure if I wanted to,as this contacts OM again, but she(W) whipped out the phone and it was done. "Please ...out of respect for me,my marriage,and my family. DO NOT ever contact me again."
I know Puppy, change the number.:doh:
She even went out of he rway to make something special for supper later. I had been craving chilli cheese hot dogs. So she went to the store, bought the items..and some beer.
Think she sucking up a bit .....
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Still use it for our business. It is a widely known number and we have lots of cleints that know it. To tell you the truth since I have been giving her my attention now, I do not think OM is in her mind anymore.
Anyway....Some what not to do....
This past week has been a headache. This past weekend was our daughter(15)birthday. We discussed that we were going to take her and some friends out then drop her off at the mall so she could go get a pair of shoes. Everything was going ok till we got to the pizza resturant. I ordered for D, her friends, and W. I declined to eat, because an extra friend tagged along and was going over what I could afford. So we sat down to eat. W already looked perturbed. I saw it and really didn't want to get into anything so I sat quiet, Well, during this time D got something in her eye and scratched it up bad. So I decided to get up, leave, and take off next door to get some eye drops. I returned and W looked angry. She asked if I wanted to eat, which I declined and said I was OK. You need to eat, as you only touched 2 slices. She said no, she was full.I knew she was lying.
So everyone finished up and we left for the mall. We dropped off everyone and as soon as the door closed, W started.
"You are grumpy."
I got aggitated and said "I was not, do not tell me how I feel." ( W has done this a few time before...telling me how I feel, this time just got to me.)
She said "you didn't eat and made me feel like a fool for eating." I asked "How?"
W said "That you never discussed that you wern't going to eat and that I felt like a fool cause I ate without you. Then you got up and left."
I said that no one discussed with me about the extra person comming and we couldnt afford it. I also left to go get eye drops, what is the big deal.
W went off to say that it was rude and you never change. Then the past 10 years yadda yadda yadda. Which I replied that I was only did that so D and her friends could eat, also get the drops for her eye. Why make a big deal out of it. You now ruined the rest of the evening.
W stormed out the car and walked to the mall. I sent a text asking if we were going geocaching as planned. She replied yes, and came back. We argued further, as she didnt drop that I was grumpy. Which I explained over again not to tell me how I feel and i was not grumpy. I dropped it as that and asked for directions to the cache. We finally went out for a bit before D called back wanting to go. So we drove home and as soon as everyone left, W started again on how I acted. This went back and forth a bit. I later apologized for getting up and leaving the table with out saying anything, as it was rude. I also apologized for snappping at her in the car. But I did tell her that it was not my fault for supper nor what you had to say to me in the car.
(Need to validate and talk more and not easily get frustrated on what W blurts out.)
End of this day....
and next my Tuesday.Its gets even better. /end sarcasm
Any other pointers?
Last edited by CPCajun; 08/18/1008:29 PM.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
My counselor mentioned a concept that is similar to validation, but more designed to defuse arguments. The concept is called "fogging." Like a fogbank, you act resilient when confronted by an argument. You offer little to no resistance, simply agreeing with any partial truths they say.
For example, if my W says "You are always leaving your dirty laundry lying on the floor"
You would respond with a partial truth:
"You're right, I need to do a better job of picking up after myself."
My counselor mentioned a concept that is similar to validation, but more designed to defuse arguments. The concept is called "fogging." Like a fogbank, you act resilient when confronted by an argument. You offer little to no resistance, simply agreeing with any partial truths they say.
For example, if my W says "You are always leaving your dirty laundry lying on the floor"
You would respond with a partial truth:
"You're right, I need to do a better job of picking up after myself."
Id did try something like it, which I will go into for the "Tuesdays post". I'll give a short version....I tried to bring home some nice computer speakers and an electric pencil sharpner. On both W argued on why I had to bring it home, we do not need them. "I did reply "You were right, we do not need them, but I thought it would be nice to have." The only thing W didnt leave it as that and kept on why I brought "that crap" home. Thats when I did get angry and told her, Why can"t I just do something nice? Why do you have to bust my chops everytime I do a small and simple gesture?"
...and I'll leave the rest up for my detailed post.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Tuesday It started again. We are in the process of consolidating our office instead of shutting down and having to move. I brought home some decent computer speakers and an electric pencil sharpener.
I tried to bring home some nice computer speakers and an electric pencil sharpener. On both W argued on why I had to bring it home, we do not need them. "I did reply "You were right, we do not need them, but I thought it would be nice to have." The only thing W didn’t leave it as that and kept on why I brought "that crap" home. That is when I did get angry and told her, Why can’t I just do something nice? Why do you have to bust my chops every time I do a small and simple gesture?" I took the replacement speakers and put them back in the bag to use elsewhere. Then W said now why aren’t you using them? Geesh…. I was just told that we didn’t need them.
Later S came out to eat and I confronted him about not doing his chores, and again the past 10yeas comes up, but from him. I tried to tell him I understand, but W interjected stating boy he got you there. Then I was fighting with both of them. I said the past 10 years has nothing to do with getting chores done. You can’t throw that in my face when you are getting lecture about neglecting chores.
I then talked to W about that comment and told her that its was bad to say that. Then it was her turn…she went on as scriped and then said she was thru and does not want to continue MC and I should go by myself. I told her that we only had one session and though it really worked. She said it didn’t. She felt pressured and didn’t really feel comfortable there.
I pretty much was hurt afterwards and went outside to cool off.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I dont know, its like an up hill battle that I cannot win. I still find it that I am detached from W and I just want out. Then again, I do want my W and the family.
I am trying to just lets things flow with myself and not actually "try". If you see what I am saying. Pretty much being myself, or how I used to before all this.
Its just I cannot sleep now and always wake up in the middle of the night thinking about the relationship. Sleeping meds do not work or only delay my waking to early in the morning.
Last night, for some reason, W talked in her sleep. She keep saying not to touch her, when I cuddled. Or I hurt her when I touch her or I am a joke and I do not want you..then laughed.
I just needed to vent. I am getting more and more confused in working this.
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
Intel is clean. OM is still blocked or removed from all accounts. No strange phone numbers and W is completely transparant with me on looking at anything. Though she does keep the phone with her 75% of the time. Keylogger shows nothing unusual, just her posting to some internet journal. I do feel wierd looking at it, but it shows a good sign.
There has been some commotion with a friend of hers that had posted what has happened between us on a local town forum. She is pretty pissed about it and the "former friend". She did go into a bit of more detail than I knew, but nothing I do not know about. Granted I took the do not beleive in all that you read rule. I validated her feeling about it, but did not ask her about the stuff posted.
journal post (the good?) "it's been forever and a bit since I have been on here. But here it goes!! (CPcajun) and I did seperate I did kick him out! and at the time honestly I was relieved. When u love someone as much as u love your spouse it's hard to walk away, He realizes what he did and has done to me and the kids and is tryin his hardest to make ammends to us! He has finally put us first and has shut his family out of our lives. (CPcajun) and I are working on our issues everyday and everyday gets better and better I know it's not gonna happen over night but I am glad it's happening!
i had entrusted some friends with personel information, and one of them broke my trust and broke my heart! I am not sure why she did this to me, or if she even cares at all! But I have and will no longer communicate with her ! which is sad, I hate loosing a friend! As I truely love the ones I have! and thank everyday for having wonderful friends in my life! i love you all! "
Me 31 Wife 34 (Step)D 15 /(Step)S 13 / D 6 Married 3/3/01 Separated 6/4/10 Bomb 6/14/10 Served 6/22/10 EA/PA Discovered 7/5/10 Now Back Together 8/1/10
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